“Hey guys, I just got tickets to be in the Ellen Degeneres Show audience!!!” – If he’s excited to be the one in a thousand guy in that audience, there is no hope.

“Does my Lulu Lemon hoodie match my Esprit for Men pants?”- Wearing men spin-offs of women’s clothing is gayness maximus, trying to coordinate them is even gayer.

“I was going to get yellow Crocs but these purple ones just look so fantastic on me!” – There’s nothing gayer than gay shoes in gay colors. He’s gay.

“Cats have feelings too you know.” - Any man that gives a rats arse about cats and their perpetual needs and feelings is certified flamboyant.

“This Gewurztraminer tastes so fruity… I love it!” - Any sentence where the fruitiness of a beverage falls into positive light is cause for concern.

“Just bought a new SUV, have you heard of it? It’s called a RAV4.” - Incorrectly classifying the chick truck you just bought as an SUV is grounds for promotion to lieutenant commander of the Gay Scouts.

“These throw pillows really accent my Tuscan themed living space.”- Any reference to duvet covers, throw pillows or table runners is genitals tucked between legs gay.

“Should I bring Celine Dion’s new album to the party?” – Celine Dion’s inclusion in his music library or mention thereof scores an infinite number on the gay-o-meter.

“How do you check the tire pressure again?” – Lacking simple car maintenance skills is a one-way trip to Gay Town.