Whore House Parrot Joke Posted October 8th, 2008 in Dirty Jokes

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot with a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about it, but decided, she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “That’s really not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school that afternoon, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman laughed about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!”

Gynecologist Appointment Joke Posted October 6th, 2008 in Dirty Jokes

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, “Why don’t we get it on, eh?” She replies, “I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don’t like to make love the night before.” So the husband agrees, rolls back over and starts to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, “You don’t by any chance have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow, do you?”

Plumber From Lee Limerick Posted October 1st, 2008 in Rude Limericks

There once was a plumber from Lee,
who was plumbing his girl by the sea,
she said “Stop your plumbing”,
“there’s somebody coming”,
said the plumber still plumbing… “It’s me!”

Doctor’s Office Joke Posted September 30th, 2008 in Dirty Jokes

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor. TO which she replies, “Yes, checking for abnormalities.”

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her down on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

She replies, “Yes, getting herpes - that’s why I’m here!”

Fellow McSweeny Limerick Posted September 24th, 2008 in Rude Limericks

There once was a fellow McSweeny,
who spilled some gin on his weenie,
just to be couth,
he added vermouth,
then slipped his girlfriend a martini.

Dishwasher One Liner Posted September 24th, 2008 in One Liner Jokes

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A. Yell at her.

Pussy Hole Joke Posted September 23rd, 2008 in Dirty Jokes

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. “Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. “Put two fingers in…” she says. So in goes another digit. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “OK!”. So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy squeezes both of his hands in. “Now clap your hands…” commands the girl. “I can’t!” says the guy. The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

Man Called O’Keef Limerick Posted September 17th, 2008 in Rude Limericks

Twas a crazy old man called O’Keef,
who caused local farmers much grief,
to their cows he would run,
cut their legs off for fun,
and say “Look, I’ve invented ground beef!”

Blowing My Load Joke Posted September 16th, 2008 in Dirty Jokes

A man says to his wife, “I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?” The wife hastily replies, “No, I might go deaf!” To which the man replies, “I’ve been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you’re still fucking talking aren’t you?”

Women Drive With Their Tits Posted September 15th, 2008 in Scathing Opinion

Women have long accused men of driving with their dicks, implying that men drive based on their male ego. However, after only minutes on the road, and sharing it with women, you’ll soon discover that women drive with their tits. This is because women drive based on emotion. If they’re having a bad day, then “You’ll just have to deal with my dangerous and erratic, scatter-brained driving, because I have too much on my plate and I can’t deal with even half of it (as little as it may in fact be).” All caution is thrown to the wind as they lash out at the world by means of their vehicle, just be thankful you aren’t their husband that day. So while men certainly aren’t estranged to the concept of reckless driving, it is worth setting the record straight that a disgruntled women on the road (and there sure are a lot of them) is no joke. These women need to grow the fuck up and deal with their minor life malfunctions and stop with the childish self-control deficiency routine on the road.

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