We all get sucker punched into some sort of points or loyalty scheme at one point or another, but by far the biggest con job has to be gas station reward programs. Basically, become their mouth breathing degenerate lemming for the rest of your life and they’ll throw you scraps and crumbs, take the case of this DAZZLING new promotion at Petro-Canada…

The Alleged “Deal”

Get the Petro-Canada FUEL SAVINGS REWARD CARD that entitles you to a face smashing savings of 5 cents a litre off your gas purchases.

The Cold Hard Facts

When you fill up your gas tank at a Petro-Canada station, you get 5 points for every litre of regular gas. It takes 15,000 points (fifteen thoooouuuuusand points) to get the FUEL SAVINGS REWARD CARD.

Let’s Churn The Numbers

If the typical car has a 60 litre tank, and it costs $1.20 per litre of regular gas, then you’d need to fill every bloody drop of your tank, 50 fucking times, at a grand total of $3,600 to get the magical awe inspiring FUEL SAVINGS CARD.

The Puke Inducing Reality

Here’s the catch, once the FUEL SAVINGS CARD graces your wallet, you only get that 5 cent discount for 200 litres of gas. So for all that patronage and pulling that rewards card out of your ass at every fill up all spring, summer, fall and winter long, you save a whopping eye bulging total of $10, yes TEN FUCKING DOLLARS. That’s it my friends.

After you plow through that in about, oh two weeks tops, you can munch ass again and cough up another $2,800 worth of gas to renew this ridiculous clown card for another measly 200 litres of 5 cent discounts.

So the next time you think about cluttering your wallet with life dissolving reward cards like this one, do the math.

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, “I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime, but I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.” The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, “Did you have a good trip, dear?” The man replies, “Yep, the fishing was great… but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.” His wife smiles and says, “Oh, no I didn’t… I put them in your tackle box.”

There was an old man from Harrow,
who tried to have sex with a sparrow,
the sparrow said “No,
you can’t have a go,
as the hole in my arse is too narrow.”

Erin, 36 from Arizona writes…

After meeting my boyfriend, 3 months later we had to start a long distance relationship that has lasted so far for almost two and a half years. He lives overseas in Europe on a work related project that should finish in another six months or so. He has come back to visit me a couple times, each trip being only a week or so. The rest has all been by phone, email and instant messengers, almost daily. Over the past couple months or so it started getting harder and harder to contact him, to the point where now if I leave a voicemail (he rarely answers the phone anymore) he takes a week to call me back, usually with a pathetic excuse about work being busy. However, if I call him from a number with no caller ID or with a calling card from a pay phone he answers every time. I really don’t want to lose him, but feel like I am. We have endured so much; it would be so bad to lose it all now when we’re so close to being together again. Is he really having a hard time with work and his commitments or has he found someone else?

Dr Thatslife has this to say….

Let’s look at the long distance relationship concept first… Long distance relationships are always a total nightmare. They really do live up to their less than stellar reputation, pretty much without fail. No matter how good the intentions are, or how “different” your hack at it will be, they eventually collapse under the weight of the unnatural needs of such a relationship. At some point, someone in the relationship will shit the bed and seek or get themselves into a predicament where someone else can fill the voids a long distance relationship creates. Those cravings and longing for intimacy and contact with one another simply cannot go ignored. Our tenancy as people to fill voids in our lives by looking outside our relationship is a natural one, and a powerful one.

These relationships are unsatisfying, monotonous, routine, and downright fucking boring. And there is no way you could possibly convince me otherwise about your particular long distance relationship, it’s the same boring shit as everyone else’s that has failed in the past. After two years of this routine, every time you two are on the phone, you couldn’t seriously give a fuck about the mundane details of each other’s day except to try and extract whether the other person is frolicking in the sack with someone else. And his week-long visits here and there are simply pussy teases rather than anything useful. They only reinforce “Yep, when he leaves again, I’ll be rubbing one out each night on my own.” for the foreseeable future. Be honest with yourself about this, it’s fucking BORING.

This is his less than subtle way of letting you off the leash. It’s his way of saying “maybe if I slow down the relationship enough, it will just… stop breathing.” This could be for a variety of reasons, one of which is that he may have found someone else. But really, I would look at this positively. Instead of him leading you down the garden trail right until the last moment, he has given you an “out” that attempts to, in his mind, shut things down in the most amicable way. Think of this as your cue to move on, and seek someone that is accessible that you can build a healthy relationship with.

The other aspect of this is that you’re desperate. Sorry, but you simply cannot justify having a measly 3 months of hanging out with someone, then commit to years of waiting by the front door for his return. There is no real excuse for this except that you are clinging on with some romanticized image of him, and lack other options – it doesn’t matter what violin story you wrap around it. You are too blind with needing “someone” to realize you are completely and utterly unsatisfied with your life as a whole. It may be quite difficult for you to admit this, but deep down you know that the past two years were a total write-off, and waiting another half year has no guarantees that after all that, he won’t have changed to your disliking, or the relationship simply fails to work.

Move on… start enjoying your life Erin.

That’s life!

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young and stunningly attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. “You wanna wank?” she asked. “You bet!” came the excited reply. “Alright…” she said. “I’ll come back in ten minutes.”

Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?

A. He’s smoking a cigarette.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “And you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. “What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband. “Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???” “Well,” replied the man, “I guess a spanking is out of the question?”