Q. Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card?

A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

There once was a lady from Reno,
who lost all her cash playing keno,
so she laid on her back,
opened her crack,
and now she owns the casino.

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well…” said her mother, “How was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, mamma!” she replied, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”

Suddenly she burst out in tears. “But mamma, as soon as we returned, Tom started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful four letter words! You’ve got to take me home… PLEASE MAMMA!”

“Sarah, Sarah…” her mother said, “Calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now tell me, what could be so awful? What four letter words did he say?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, Mamma!” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!”

“Darling, baby, you have to tell your mother these horrible four letter words.”

Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mamma … he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook…”

“I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes.” said the mother.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?

A. A tran-sister.

There was a young girl named Denise
Who’s pubes hung down to her knees
The crabs got together
To knit her a sweater
So in winter her twat wouldn’t freeze.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The man replied “I work for the IRS.”