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All Time Favorites

Champion Car Performance Enhancements

Posted October 5th, 2012 at 5:41 am in All Time Favorites

Want to be the undisputed performance king of the road? These car enhancements will take that tired early 2000’s Dodge Neon or similar car and transform it into that unrelenting beast others will envy for all of eternity. It has been achieved by others (as a trip to the local strip mall proves), now you too can be the talk of the town.

Start with a base 2003 Dodge Neon with 132hp then add…

Raw Horse Power

  • Decals featuring random Japanese performance tuning company logos, use several (+5hp per sticker)
  • Muffler with sound cognizant of a reverberating fart and the appearance of an apple juice can (ultra +30hp gain)
  • Non-functional hood scoop (+40hp performance boost)
  • Adhesive stick-on side air intakes (+15hp per side from improved air flow)

Performance Handling

  • Assorted rear view mirror ornaments to improved driving precision
  • Painting non-Brembo brake calipers red to obtain Brembo equivalent breaking
  • Non-functional boost gauges take your vehicle to the max
  • Imitation carbon fiber hood for light weight agility
  • Retina incinerating ultra-intensity aftermarket blue headlights

Efficiency

  • After market racing spec gas cap door for improved fuel containment (+10mpg)
  • Side window wind deflectors (+5mpg improvement per window)

Security

  • Knight Rider swooping lights on dash – Kitt is protecting your investment 24/7
  • Alarm system featuring circa 1980′s multi-pattern audible warning, ultra sensitivity proximity sensor and remote disarm keychain
  • Chain license plate surround with scrolling LED screen, let them know who’s the man

And there you have it… the blueprint for transforming a $1,980 car with 132hp into a 300+hp mechanical masterpiece, all without touching a single engine part! Truly a ballistic missile of power. Drive on young champion!



Funny Pictures

For Seal Picture

Posted October 2nd, 2012 at 11:39 pm in Funny Pictures

For Seal



Dirty Jokes

Husband Names Joke

Posted September 20th, 2012 at 4:55 am in Dirty Jokes

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.” Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.” Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?”

“Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”



One Liner Jokes

Gay Truckers One Liner

Posted September 18th, 2012 at 4:54 am in One Liner Jokes

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?

A. They exchanged loads.



Rude Limericks

Young Fellow Named Paul Limerick

Posted September 10th, 2012 at 3:44 am in Rude Limericks

There was a young fellow named Paul,
who couldn’t rely on his ring-piece at all,
when he sat on the loo,
it went slightly askew,
and splattered some poo on the wall.



Dirty Jokes

Annual Checkup Joke

Posted August 31st, 2012 at 5:39 am in Dirty Jokes

During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. “Doctor…” she replied shyly, “I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you.” “All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re done.” A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?” “Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”



Funny Pictures

Toilet Thumbs Up Picture

Posted July 28th, 2012 at 7:20 am in Funny Pictures

Toilet Thumbs Up Picture



One Liner Jokes

Dog Versus Wife One Liner

Posted July 22nd, 2012 at 8:49 am in One Liner Jokes

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?

A. The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!



Dirty Jokes

Sex Therapy Joke

Posted July 18th, 2012 at 7:25 am in Dirty Jokes

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda. “Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked. “Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?” “Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”



Funny Pictures

Raping Clown Picture

Posted July 13th, 2012 at 7:00 pm in Funny Pictures

Raping Clown Picture





 


Text Messages

 
Trevor (Jan 06):

Take off those stupid fucking white rimmed sunglasses you shithead.



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