Nicole from California writes…

The first couple years of our relationship we had a LOT of great sex. About 3 years in it started waning and I would really have to work him to have sex with me. We had a long distance relationship for about 6 months and then got engaged. Since being engaged and moving in together he just doesn’t care for sex anymore. He doesn’t even masturbate, watch porn… nothing like that (I’ve recommended these things). He would rather sit on the couch and get high and watch movies and play video games.

I am having trouble because I want sex a lot more but I feel I am losing interest myself. I always thought the guy would be the one to want sex and I wouldn’t – but it’s the opposite case here. We are both in our early 20s and I feel like we are an old couple that has been married forever with a passion-less life. We have the best friendship and an otherwise great relationship. We communicate and I have expressed my feelings many times but it’s like we just don’t know how we can solve the problem. What can we do to get back a sex life?

Dr Thatslife has this to say….

Isn’t it great when life hands you the gift of a glimpse into your future? You’re watching your married life unfold right in front of you, without actually having to go through with it! What you’re seeing isn’t so great, is it? Well if you don’t pay attention to what it’s telling you – you’ll have a really mediocre and unfulfilling life ahead.

Your fiance is doing everything he can to avoid life – the video games, lack of intimacy and affection, movie marathons, drugs – these are all escapes from his life, part of which is you. He’s showing you who he is right now, someone that runs from his dissatisfying life outcome, instead of someone that takes it by the reigns and changes it into something that is rewarding and fulfilling. Does someone that runs from problems sound like the right partner to take on the challenges of life with? This guy would fold like laundry at the really BIG issues that WILL come up in EVERY marriage, and you’ll be divorced before you know it because of both yours and his ability to handle those issues together.

In all fairness to him, we’ve perhaps all gone through dopy periods in our lives where we were in a rut, were unhappy with our life’s path or of events happening at that time. But we get through it and move on. If he’s been on this self loathing marathon of video games and drugs for months – you’re seeing first hand we’re not dealing with someone overly adept at meeting challenges or adapting to life’s curveballs. Video games are great, watching movies is great, and for some people even the occasional hit of the green shit hits the spot, but when these become your lifestyle and your routine – that’s a problem.

Just so we’re clear – this has nothing to do with role reversal and now you’re “the guy” wanting sex in your passionless relationship. If the relationship is working, BOTH will yearn for jungle romp time in the sack. For you to believe he doesn’t masturbate is foolish. He’s probably wanking himself into oblivion right now as you read this… just because the sex has stopped, doesn’t mean he isn’t still flogging the dolphin – irrespective of what he tells you or what you observe.

Seriously, you’re marrying too young and most likely for the wrong reasons. You met in your late teens from the sounds of it, and I can guarantee you two have already grown out of the relationship whether you wish to admit it or not. The circumstance of immediately getting married after six months of a long distance relationship suspiciously sounds like it was full of irrational emotion driven decisions rather than thoughtful planning and rationality.

Nicole – spend your early, late and heck even late twenties exploring relationships and gaining a better understanding of yourself and others, not marrying the pothead you met in school. You deserve more than that, don’t you? It is through experiences with a variety of different people that you gather a better understanding of who is in fact the right person for you, not trying to morph one of your first relationships into what you want – which will most likely end in frustration.

That my dear, is life.