A. Homeless.

Rachel, 26 from Jacksonville, Florida writes…

When I first started dating my boyfriend, I kinda suspected he might be into drugs, but I didn’t know what ones or how much he did them. Now that I’m into the second year and living with him, I’m starting to see small bits of his other life that worry me a lot. And I think its getting worse because last week when he came home really late and he was clearly out of it, his eyes were glazed over and he couldn’t walk right, kept talking about the same things over and over again and kept pounding his chest like there was something wrong with his heart, and no alcohol on his breath at all. It really scared me. I really love the guy, he might be “the one”, but wonder where this will all go in the end and will he be OK? I don’t do drugs myself and actually don’t really even drink much either. What should I do?

Dr Thatslife has this to say…

The best analogy I can think of is taking a shit and then looking for toilet paper… if there isn’t any, then you have a pretty shitty situation. The same goes with your predicament, the longer you’re in the dark about the extent of his habits and where they’re heading, the worse the outcome will be. It is easy to be dismissive of addictions; until irrefutable evidence comes along (such as what you’re witnessing), and by then the addict is already past the breaking point. So what should you do from here?

First we need to understand what we’re dealing with before you make any major commitments to this person. You need to look at the psychology of someone who is a habitual drug user. You may find that this type of person and what they bring to the table, isn’t who you would want a life long or even short term commitment with. There are many elements that are rather unappealing, and typically get worse or become a life long cyclical battle that you’ll have a major roll in.

Drugs are his method of coping with reality. It’s a departure so that he doesn’t have to confront the issues and perceived struggles of his life - in other words, he can’t cope and doesn’t have the will power to try. He takes the drugs to supposedly take the ‘edge’ off, not realizing that they in fact only further complicate his life.

Sorrow often attracts sorrow. His friends are most likely a combination of substance abusers and varying degrees of depressed individuals. They will continue to fuel his downward spiral; as they need the company and don’t really want him to better himself as this may pull him away from their realm of sorrow. Which brings me to you… dig deep and examine why perhaps you two have attracted each other, and what lessons are you to learn from the experience. You may find, if you’re honest with yourself, there are negative elements of your life that are unresolved, and by addressing them and bettering your life, he may loose his luster pretty fucking quickly.

Then there is the issue of the respect and confidence he holds for himself. Anyone who is willing to pop dodgy tablets of unknown origin or shoot up drugs into their body, has zero respect for themselves or the consequences that such activities may bring to their body or to those around them. Ever thought about whether those drugs are intravenous or not? Having sex with him? Are the pieces starting to come together now on where I’m heading with this? Not exactly questions I would want rolling around my head at night while he’s off getting trashed night after night.

So looking at that picture, what are your thoughts? Does this compel you to try and help him and battle through this? Or does it leave you wondering whether you’re in the wrong relationship? You could talk with him about what you’ve observed and that he needs to seek help, but ultimately he will either agree or disagree and there is little you will be able to do. If he tells you he’ll stop - he probably won’t… so are you willing to commit your hours to reconnaissance work to determine the truth? And if he still is taking drugs, what are you really going to do about it?

Finally, a serious question you need to ask yourself is if one day down the road, you two are married, living together - maybe with kids in the mix… you get home and find him snorting lines of crack off the dining room table, completely fucked up - where would that put your life? At that moment it will dawn on you that your life has turned to shit. Starting over again then, would be much harder than breaking things off now.

Being around an actual addict isn’t fucking fun at all, it is a serious downer, sprinkled with moments of sheer and utter disbelief. Up for that? Answer carefully.

That’s unfortunately life.

A. They hid their own eggs!