A. Depends!

 Melvin, 25 from Louisiana writes…

My girl won’t put out, I know she’s younger by about 6 years but she’s just frigid. It’s not much fun doing same thing each time we in the sack. I be on top every time, she won’t take it in the mouth and every time I suggest something different she goes quiet. Help doc, she is fine hot until you get her in bed.

Dr Thatslife has this to say….

You need to ask yourself, “Is this girl prude, boring or a rookie?”

Being a prude means she’s unwilling to partake in what she believes is beneath or unfitting of her. This personality gets old hat real fast because they’re usually selectively prudish about things that involve effort or sacrifice on their part, and has little to do with etiquette or standards.

Bores are exactly that, she’ll just lay there in the starfish formation, emitting the occasional groan to indicate the existence of life, while the guy does all the heavy lifting. Getting her to suck cum out of your dick like a thick shake straw is out of the question. Reciprocal affection and pleasing is not their specialty.

Finally, the most promising and possibly the most applicable of the three… Being a rookie really boils down to lack of experience, not quiet knowing what you want or how to do things and a general feeling of self-consciousness. Hence the lost looks when you hint for her to rim your asshole while playing with your balls.

Which one can you slot your girl into? Don’t jump to conclusions, it isn’t always obvious. The first two are character traits, being a rookie is only an experience issue. By you telling me she just goes quiet and by how old she is, I’m guessing she’s a rookie. Guys often make the mistake of assuming hot looks equals hot in the sack, which often fails to materialize.

So while you’re in the sack with her thinking to yourself “This girl’s more awkward than a motel ironing board”, keep in mind she’s thinking, “I’m miles away from anything resembling my comfort zone”.

You seem to have forgotten it wasn’t too long ago when YOU would have been fumbling around desperately trying to undo bra clasps and rubbing clits with the finesse of a dump truck on ice. Give this girl a fucking break Melvin, you need more patience and a guiding hand to graduate her from rookie to all-star.

Change how you approach this whole thing. I can tell from the tone of your writing, you’re pushing too hard and offering too little. More tact is needed…

Firstly, both of you should be more verbally communicative about what you both like in the sack, instead of you just trying to bludgeon her face with your hog each time. By asking her what she likes, you show empathy to her needs, and by letting her know what turns your crank, you’ve expressed how she holds the ability to titillate and satisfy you. Your efforts to learn what she likes, will not go unappreciated.

Secondly, you’ve probably offered her too little, both emotionally and physically. Make her feel sexy Melvin, spend more time working her up and getting her into the mood. Don’t just dive in and start fondling her goodies and swinging your dick around, caress the little lady. She’ll be much more inclined to swallow your loads if you’ve done a decent job of polished her floorboards, get it?

Finally, you’re probably being too heavy handed. Take it slower with smaller increments and alleviate some of her tension. The fact is, she’s giving out, just not the things you’re wanting. Give her reasons, confidence and desire to upgrade to the next level. As she acclimatizes, her willingness to open up, reciprocate and experiment more will blossom.

That’s life Melvin.

I Have Offspring Posts

Congratulations, you’re the parent of the 7 billionth person on this planet! The wasteland of baby pictures ranging from mediocre to disappointing of animal-like devolved offspring are compelling arguments for mass sterilization. The first few do nicely, yes a child has been born… it’s the incessant months and years of daily follow-up photos that leave you wanting to bludgeon your eyes out with a pair of corn on the cob holders.

The Unsuccessful Motivator Posts

People regurgitating a plethora of cringe inducing quotes, motivational pictures, inspirational phrases, and “you can do it, if you change” slogans makes even the calmest of us want to hurl our computers across the room with incoherent rage. Usually these posts originate from the people that need their own quotes the most.

Look At Meeeeeeeeeeee Posts

I’m so fun and sexy, wow look at MEEEEEEEE!!!!!! One duck face, mirror shot, sitting in restaurant with heaping plate of non-human grade food in front of them, jump in the air on the beach picture after another. These heavily biased photos feature in every possible camera angle the 6 days out of 365 the person isn’t languishing in front of a screen deteriorating into a pile of shit watching Seinfeld reruns. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

My Opinions Are Fact Posts

Your petty self interest narrow minded opinions on matters you have no exposure to facts or evidence on, are disgusting and nobody is interested. We don’t care about your phone manufacturer preference, presidential candidate views or commentary of government policy. You are most likely stunningly wrong on all those “facts” you’ve gathered from the Internet, talk shows and uninformed friends. Wire shut that spewing volcano of conjecture – we don’t give a fuck what you think about ANYTHING!

Squandered Life Posts

The latest exploits of overweight, unkempt and unmotivated 30 and 40 something housewives playing Farmville. Firsthand accounts of their countless hours growing virtual crops on their make believe farms. Missing is the pathetic rundown on their real world efforts at cooking real food for their real children, Kraft Dinner again eh?

Granular Detail Posts

“At Starcocks drinking the new Moca Ice Fuckachino.”, “My little Bobby just pissed in the toilet for the first time on his own.”, “All finished breast feeding at TGI Friday’s.”, “This line up is too long, I’m so bored.”, “These extra zesty chips are so ‘yum’”, “Taking break from gardening, maybe I’m not such a green thumb after all LOL.”

Marketing Army Posts

All that combined human effort Facebook users expend to let each other know which corporate brands they identify with the most, must surely be a sign the day of reckoning is fast approaching. Yes, link to Doritos so we can get one more ad shoe-horned into that news stream courtesy of a fellow user. Facebook users love doing the marketing leg work for companies, as they seem infinitely more motivated about letting everyone know they ‘Like’ Popchips and Lady Gaga than visiting their dieing grandfather in the hospital for his last gasp of air.

OK – You’re Married, We Get It Posts

You were married 2 fucking years ago, TWO YEARS. The distribution of evidence thereof is no longer necessary; we’re all puking at the sight of them now. One more picture of one shoveling that wedding cake into the other’s gullet and I’ll flex test my screen until it shatters into a trillion anger felt pieces showing the universe.

And there you have it folks… The Facebook ecosystem in a nut shell.

A. By becoming a ventriloquist!

Start with a base 2003 Dodge Neon with 132hp then add…

Raw Horse Power

• Decals featuring random Japanese performance tuning company logos, use several (+5hp per sticker)
• Muffler with sound cognizant of a reverberating fart and the appearance of an apple juice can (ultra +30hp gain)
• Non-functional hood scoop (+40hp performance boost)
• Adhesive stick-on side air intakes (+15hp per side from improved air flow)

Performance Handling

• Assorted rear view mirror ornaments to improved driving precision
• Painting non-Brembo brake calipers red to obtain Brembo equivalent breaking
• Non-functional boost gauges take your vehicle to the max
• Imitation carbon fiber hood for light weight agility
• Retina incinerating ultra-intensity aftermarket blue headlights

Efficiency

• After market racing spec gas cap door for improved fuel containment (+10mpg)
• Side window wind deflectors (+5mpg improvement per window)

Security

• Knight Rider swooping lights on dash – Kitt is protecting your investment 24/7
• Alarm system featuring circa 1980′s multi-pattern audible warning, ultra sensitivity proximity sensor and remote disarm keychain
• Chain license plate surround with scrolling LED screen, let them know who’s the man

And there you have it… the blueprint for transforming a $1,980 car with 132hp into a 300+hp mechanical masterpiece, all without touching a single engine part! Truly a ballistic missile of power. Drive on young champion!