Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Perhaps. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not Enter”

Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized.”

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!”

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass.”

Q. What do your boss and a Slinky have in common?

A. They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

One night after watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, a man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting rather frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.” The man replied, “Is that your final answer?” She said “Yes.” “OK, then I’d like to phone a friend.” he replied.

A pretty young maiden from France,
decided she’d “just take a chance”,
she let herself go,
for an hour or so,
and now all her sisters are aunts.

I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.” I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

Anthony, 34 from McKinney, Texas writes…

My girlfriend refuses me access to check her email in case she cheating on me. What should I tell her so she will let me see them. What if she seeing some other guys and I don’t know!!

Dr Thatslife has this to say….

Are you a moron? Do you honestly think she would be corresponding with her lover on her regular email account? You can rifle through the drudgery that is her regular email account – just remember all the action is happening in her garbage Hotmail account you’ll never know about.

Respect her fucking privacy dude, even an ounce of maturity on your part would go a long way here, it’s like I’m listening to a zit popping high schooler. Your girlfriend must be constantly having to justify and substantiate social interactions with anyone outside of yourself – and this suffocating environment will inevitably drive her away from you, not closer to you. Yes you heard me right, your meddling will only FUEL exactly what you’re trying to prevent.

Insecurity breeds more insecurity. The more you fester over what your girlfriend’s up to, the more it will consume you and build an ever more elaborate latticework of bullshit in your mind. Ultimately, insecure people that easily become consumed with jealousy will partner with people that play on those insecurities. No kidding! Ever wonder why you always seem to choose “aloof” girlfriends that you find difficult to trust? It’s because your insecurities are choosing them for you. Take a long hard look at your past and present relationships, see the pattern?

Basically, the less you worry, the more peaceful everything becomes, so that you can actually ENJOY the relationship you have with this woman. You don’t own her, so let her off the leash and TRUST HER until she proves otherwise (i.e. having a spent rubber fall out of her goochie after getting back late from her “friend‘s” place).

That’s life!