Stranded On An Island Joke Posted July 29th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely…

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”

The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

Perfect Lover One Liner Posted July 27th, 2010 in One Liner Jokes

Q. What’s the definition of a woman’s perfect lover?

A. A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

Playing Doctor Joke Posted July 20th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear, dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. “It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age.” the neighbor said. “Sexuality my ass!” The mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”

She doesn’t want me to go on a trip! Posted July 19th, 2010 in Dr Thatslife Advice

Dan, 26 from St. Louis writes…

Me girl won’t let me go on a trip with the guys this summer, we all want to head to Vegas, the four of us for good times, but she’s giving me the gilt trip. The guys and I have been talking about this trip for a couple years, and wouldn’t want to miss it just because me girl is saying no. I ask her why and she’s all about how it’s dangerous there, I will get into trouble and meet other girls. I tell her I never done anything like that, so why she be thinking that way, I have only traveled once before and that was with family. We be going out for over a year, do I owe it to her to stay behind to make her feel better?

Dr Thatslife has this to say….

Fuck that… go on the bloody Vegas trip. She has zero rights to impede on a trip that you’ll fondly remember for the rest of your life, and a chance to really bond with your good friends. Trust me, 10 years from now, after everyone’s married, pumped out a few kids and swimming in debt and obligations, these types of opportunities will be slim to none – take them while you can. Tell her she is going to have to suck it up and trust you, no guilt trips, no downer conversations – your decision is final.

The “Vegas is dangerous” argument of hers is the pinnacle of bullshit, if you said she was invited along she’d be packed faster than the speed of light – guess it’s not so dangerous after all. You can get into plenty of “trouble” fucking around bored out of your mind at home with your friends, Vegas is a dumbed down tourist trap that millions of mouth breathers verging on retardation have navigated without trouble, you‘ll be just fine. Finally, the infidelity argument might be understandable, if she‘s insecure it will be a genuine concern of hers. But your track record has proven you are faithful and trustworthy, keep that rolling while you’re in Vegas. The last thing you need to do is nail some disease ridden lush bag hooker that crawled out from the darkest corner of the strip. There you go, strike three – she’s out and you’re on your way. Off you go buddy, don’t shit the bed on such a great chance, your girlfriend will survive JUST FINE a few days on her own.

That’s life man, enjoy it.

Rape Game Joke Posted July 16th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

Husband says to his wife “Do you fancy playing the rape game?” Wife says, “No.” Husband replies “That’s the spirit!”

About My Wife Posted July 13th, 2010 in Twisted Humor

My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Meth Lab Picture Posted July 10th, 2010 in Funny Pictures

Old Fellow Named Paul Limerick Posted July 8th, 2010 in Rude Limericks

There was an old fellow named Paul,
whose prick was exceedingly small,
when in bed with a lay,
he could screw her all day,
without touching her vaginal wall.

Terrible Car Accident Joke Posted July 6th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the emergency room and says his wife’s been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor and minutes later he comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks. “Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?” The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”

“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?” Dr. Smith says “Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.” Mr. Jones begins to sob. “And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. “Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and the diapers must be changed throughout the day.” Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues, “You’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. “Hey, I’m just fucking with you, she’s dead.”

Should I Tell Them About My STDs? Posted July 4th, 2010 in Dr Thatslife Advice

Danielle, 21 from New Jersey writes…

I divorced my husband several months ago because he sleeping with a bunch of other women and I caught two venereal diseases from him, both I’m stuck with forever. Since our split up I have dated a few guys and each time tell them I’ve got the STD’s they don’t want to have anything to do with me. If we do it carefully there shouldn’t be a problem wearing condoms, so I don’t know why they been freaking so much. I’m thinking I just shouldn’t say nothing since they probably won’t be catching anything anyway. Is this wrong or what? Otherwise I will be stuck with nobody forever.

Dr Thatslife has this to say….

Yep, it’s wrong. It’s not up to you to decide whether they should take the risk or not. I bet you know a lot less about how these diseases are transmitted than you think. You two will be merrily humping away, and a week later your boyfriend is at home pissing razor blades and looking at a prick full of puss filled blisters shouting your name, and it will all be over. Voila, you’ve fucked someone else’s life, congratulations cunt! Remember how scathingly fucking angry and foaming at the mouth you were when you found out what your husband so lovingly gave you? Is that teeth to the curb what you wish upon the people that trust you?

Don’t think for a second you’ll magically fix the issue simply by avoiding it. If he doesn’t know there is anything wrong, how do you expect him to be the other half of the equation required to prevent transmission? Ohhh, YOU’RE going to manage the situation yourself? What an ignorant fool you are. In the heat of the moment, you’ve got your legs dangling in the air and he’s “polishing the deck”, you’re feeling oh so good… you aren’t going to reach a hand down to stop him and say “Feels great, but you’re contracting herpes.” The moment he whips his dong out, you won’t have anything resembling self control Danielle. This isn’t commentary on you specifically, it’s just fact that people tend to lose control in the heat of the moment when everything feels “oh so good”.

It really is selfish to just decide it’s better not to say anything. If you love and respect someone you will tell them your status, and if they love and respect you, they will most likely work with it, not run for the hills like a one night stand. Love and trust don’t flourish when deception looms, as you should have learnt from your failed marriage with a husband that fucked a cheerleading squad of women behind your back. Just remember… the guy you sleep with could be a carrier too, and perhaps HE won’t be telling YOU. Feel like adding a third incurable disease to the list? EVERYONE should get tested before jumping in the sack with someone – no exceptions.

That’s the way life goes.

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