Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

Ray, 33 from Massachusetts writes…

Alright Doc, I’ll keep this simple. I work in a lumber yard in a small town, have a car, and have long 12 hour shifts, and can‘t easily get breaks except lunch and a couple quick cigarette breaks. My girlfriend works in a drug store a few miles from where I work and about a 15-20 minute walk from her house. Each day she expects me to leave work to drive her home after her 7 hour shift and then come back to work. I’m getting in trouble for ducking out to do these drives, and I told me girl I couldn’t do it anymore. She was really pissed and made it seem like I don’t care about her. To make it worse, when in an argument about it I said “Maybe the walk would be good for you.” to her making it out that I thought she could use the exercise. Every day when I come by after work to see her she’s venting because she had to walk home. What the hell do I do to keep the peace?

Dr Thatslife has this to say….

Employment and maintaining your job in a small town is very important, and for you to jeopardize that for your lazy girlfriend would be ludicrous. She would not see it that way as she is so focused on her own needs and comfort. Not only that, but she has no sense or concept of what it is like to work a shift almost double the length of hers in the manual labor conditions of a lumber yard. Often such jobs can be brutally strict about “ducking out” to do personal errands as you‘re probably starting to realize. There are most likely dozens of other local people vying for your job, don’t give them a chance to snatch it from you, as losing your job would most likely be catastrophic.

Besides educating your girlfriend of these facts, she’s going to have to grow up and realize that she’s an adult woman that needs to get HERSELF to and from HER job, just as you have figured out how to do. If her job pay sucks, her commuting options will equally suck. Walk, roller blade or bike. Take your fucking pick, they all suck, that‘s life. Make a little more money? TA-DAAAA, you’ve been upgraded to monthly bus pass. Make even more money? Oh look! The almighty CAR option suddenly appears!

She interpreted your conversation about her “needing the walk” badly because she is conscious of the fact she does need to walk it, and not doing so is lazy. She probably hates her own laziness. This can hopefully serve as inspiration for her to build her career to a point where a car becomes financially feasible for her, if not, oh well! Whether by foot or half a dozen people hanging onto the back of a 50cc moped, billions of other people around the world have figured out how to get their asses to and from work each day. She’s just going to have to suck it up and join those ranks of self sufficient adults, because you giving in to her demands will help nobody.

That is most definitely, life.

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon. “Shit!” said the first bloke, “As soon as I get home, I’m gonna rip the wife’s knickers off!” “What’s the rush?” his mate asked. “The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me.” the bloke replied.

Alison, 26 from Calgary, Alberta writes…

My boyfriend of half a year and I have been fighting a lot, usually about stupid things. Last week when we were arguing about where to go out on Friday night he got so angry he pulled the clock radio beside our bed out of the wall and threw it at me hitting me on the side of the head. He apologized and tried to make me feel better, but I was shook up. He kept telling me that his past got the best of him and that he was abused when he was younger. He told me it wouldn’t happen again. Honestly I was feeling for a while like he was going to do something like this and it finally happened. Two nights ago we were in another argument and he grabbed my hand and bent it back, it really hurt, I’m not sure if maybe I deserved it. Again, he said he wouldn’t ever do anything like that, and this time he seemed sincere about not hurting me again. Do I believe him? Please help me on this one.

Dr Thatslife has this to say….

Seriously, if every time you two are pissy about some trivial matter and he’s so enraged that you’re flinching like an abused dog, it’s time to get the fuck out of there. Whatever physical or psychological abuse he sustained when younger doesn’t grant him a license to pick up random household objects and hurl them at your head.

When fights are happening often and are progressing into more violent occurrences, you really need to ask yourself “Why the fuck do I need this in my life?” There isn’t anything he can do in the times he’s not throwing things at you and verbally abusing you to make up for any of this. And his assurances that he will abstain from this behavior, we both know, are a total farce. He’s already demonstrated that to you.

Your instinctive response as a woman to your boyfriend’s tumultuous past may be of sympathy and to mother him (the mother bird taking in the injured hatchling into her nest); but this is a battle he needs to deal with himself. Don’t feel obliged to be his life support, it is not your responsibility, you owe him nothing. You’re only at the half year mark in your relationship and he’s already pulling these stunts. What’s going to happen with your next fight? Could be just a minor domestic spat… or you could be in the hospital with your appendages in a pile on the table beside you – you just don’t fucking know.

The only great thing to come out of these fights where he clocks you (quite literally) and purposely inflicts pain on you, is that it gives you an actionable motive to break it off with him. This guy will continue to fill your life with bullshit turmoil, grief, noise and mounting abuse that you can do without. Breaking up with him on the phone will suffice, keep it brief, be firm and don’t accept pleas for “another chance”. Make sure that parents, friends and others close to you are aware of what’s happening in case he decides to handle the situation less than gracefully. And for fuck’s sake don’t hesitate to get police involved at the first sight of “loony bin” behavior from this guy.

You may have been attracted to such an individual because of your own insecurities and emotional weaknesses. So walk away from this train wreck; take time to build up your confidence, gain self worth and clear your mind; and seek someone who respects you and whom contributes a positive influence into your life.

Best of luck, Thats life!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was upset to say the least.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and wouldn’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”