Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?

A. A beer and a mop.

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, “You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat ‘em like candy.” The second mouse, not to be outdone says, “Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it.” The third mouse says, “You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I’d love to keep hangin’ out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat.”

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant

A. Marry it.

Having already downed a few power drinks, the woman turned to the man beside her, looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean… it doesn’t matter to me.  I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.” Eyes wide with interest, he responded, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”

A man goes to a doctor and says “I’ve just been raped by an elephant. What should I do?” The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. “That’s strange… your asshole is almost 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had long thin dicks?” to which the man replies “Yeah, but he fingered me first.”

There once was a man named Mort,
whose dick was incredibly short,
when he climbed into bed,
his lady friend said,
“That’s not a dick it’s a wart!”

Q. What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?

A. A tearjerker.

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent’s bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, “Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb!”