Darren, 22 from Columbus, Ohio writes…

I come from an extremely religious family and background. Therefore I have been raised in what most would consider a severely religion based life. As part of that, I can only have relationships with women of the same religion; no premarital sex; and absolutely no masturbation. All of which really put me at odds with modern life. I have cheated a few times by dating someone outside of my religion but ultimately my guilt caught hold of me. It’s the other two that I have never flaunted with and it’s, well, really a problem. After about the forth or fifth date with a woman, I know exactly where it’s heading, intimacy. Which I would be all for if it weren’t for religion. However they feel there is something wrong with the relationship when I don‘t “put out“, or that I am disinterested, and one by one they leave me. What’s worst is the whole non-masturbation thing. There are sometimes I am almost beside myself with the need to do it. The urge is ever present, and a serious problem for me. I don’t know how to overcome these obstacles while still honouring my vows to god. I’m hesitant in asking you for help, but I am at a loss here.

Dr Thatslife has this to say….

What you vowed to abide by as part of your religion is certainly not a winning combination. It asks you to contradict every natural tendency, instinct and urge a typical 22 year old guy would have… date tons of different women, sleep with them and feverishly wank yourself the rest of the time. That may sound a bit crass, but it isn’t far off base. Lets tackle each part of your religion’s restrictions…

It’s hard enough to find the right gal out there in the world, let alone limiting it to whoever is sitting beside you in church. I could go into a long angry speech about how ironic religion is with compelling you to love all; but then not allow you to love anyone that do not share your beliefs, but I won’t. I can see why you skipped out on that one a few times. You simply cannot control who you’re gaga over and this rule is simply to control who you associate with (a keeping it in the family mentality) rather than upholding any supposed moral values as per the other two rules.

The prohibition of premarital sex is a staple of most religions, however in reality it’s broken more often than pencils at an anger management seminar. The urges both yourself and the women you’re with experience are there for two reasons, affection and, tadaaaa… procreation – the most basic instinct you have other than breathing and shovelling food into your pie hole. Try denying those two instincts and see how far you get. Aside from that, sex is the most fantastic experience you can have, it is an absolute key component to relationships and a bonding ritual that is the centerpiece of your passion for another person.

Then to my favourite one, denial of masturbation. You should be able to empty your balls whenever and however you desire, and to deny yourself that is unhealthy in both physical and psychological perspectives. The rule is telling you that yet another basic element of your being cannot be engaged. The long term effects of this must be stunningly negative, it’s barbaric. I don’t think it’s any of God’s fucking business what you do with your junk to be honest. So is it implied that you will essentially go to hell if you give yourself a handy? I’m telling you that if you don’t blow your load once in a while, you WILL be going to hell because you’ll one day go postal and really do some fucked up shit.

Religion really does tend to mettle in things that lie at the root of your existence. Some of the things people vow to as part of a typical religion make sense; like looking down on shagging your next door neighbour’s wife while stealing the power tools from their garage and giving their son the beats for accidentally throwing his Frisbee onto your lawn. As fun as those things may be to do, they degrade the integrity of our society. But when it comes to what you do with yourself or to others in a mutually consensual and loving nature, religion has no business interfering in such decisions and actions. The intent of religion ultimately is to have a peaceful and morals driven world, but in reality how it tackles this and the very nature of people make this more complex than that.

So what it comes down to Darren, is to determine whether you will either be rigid in your compliance with the rules of your religion and suffer through this for the foreseeable future. Or take the best elements of your religion that are a positive influence on your life and others, live by them, and drop the others. The second option is the key to my consultation. In order to do it successfully though, you must relieve yourself of the guilt associated with engaging in them, which would certainly happen after more exposure. There is nothing wrong with the approach, and the lack of daily guilt in even the thought of doing things you were naturally designed to do will be such a stunning weight lifted from you it will be like the dawn of a new life for you. Nobody really follows the word of God completely and absolutely down to the letter, anybody that tells you otherwise is full of shit.

Time to go shake things up. That’s life.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.”

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.” Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, “How could sandals improve my abilities?” The Pakistani man replied, “Just try them on… the sandals will prove it to you.” Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years – raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man’s pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the man’s thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, “YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!”