Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?

A. Don’t ask her out again.

A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this… “Looking for man with these qualifications: won’t beat me up, or run away from me, and is great in bed.”

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but one in particular stood out. After giving the man her address, he came to her house. She opening the door for him and the man said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”

Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”

Brandy, 19 from Chicago, Illinois writes…

My boyfriend is so special to me, him and I have dated for like 2 years now, and it’s getting really serious. The other day, though, I discovered adult web sites on my boyfriend’s Internet bookmarks list. I confronted him about them and after a long heated discussion he swore never to visit porn sites again. The very next week, when I was on his computer I checked his Internet history and found he was still going to these disgusting sites. I’m a very understanding and open minded girlfriend, but this went past the line. I am not sure if I should be with someone that has to lie about watching porn, what do you think?

Dr Thatslife has this to say….

My bullshit senses always tingle when I get consultations from people claiming to be “understanding”, let alone “very understanding“. The fact is, if you were as open minded as you claim, you wouldn’t give a shit about this. Guys watch porn, it’s what they do. If a guy tells you he doesn’t or won’t any more, of course he’s lying through his teeth. He simply wants to put the subject to rest and that’s the easiest way to do it. He was probably prowling the darkest corners of the net watching Bukkake party videos that very night. Seriously, it’s actually none of your business, he isn‘t hurting you nor anyone else. While chicks can lay in a deep soaker tub dreaming of Fabio and rub one out; guys are incredibly reliant on visual stimulation. They need that slap of porn in the face to do the job right. Denying him that will only make you look prudish. And your ongoing spy efforts examining his Internet history are childish to say the least. Grow up and realize that if you are in an otherwise satisfying and fulfilling relationship, leave it at that and don’t complicate things unnecessarily.

That my dear, is life.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

A. So men can be open minded.

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re so beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re so cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was now “cute”. She asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”

There is this woman who has bags under her eyes and wants to get them removed in the hope that she could look younger again. She goes to a plastic surgeon, and tells the doctor “No matter what I try, I cant get rid of these bags, please help me.” The doctor examines her for a minute and says “I’ll try a new experimental technique. It involves putting a crank in the back of your head. When you see bags under your eyes you’ll simply need to turn the crank and the bags will go away.” So she gets the crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she can’t get rid of those bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just won’t go away. So she goes to the doctor once again and says, “Doctor! This was working for a while, but now I can’t seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes.” The doctor replies, “Lady those aren’t bags… those are your tits!” All she had to say was, “Now that would explain why I have this goatee.”

Q. What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A. A cherry float.