The queen of England was visiting one of America’s top hospitals, and during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???”

The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t ejaculate five times a day, his testicles would quite literally explode and he would most likely die instantly.”

“Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.

The tour continued on the next floor of the hospital. After walking past several rooms, they passed an open door where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

“Oh my God!” said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”

The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he’s on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. “Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table.” So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, “Is this better?” “Much better!” she replies with a smile. “Okay, then,” he says, “now will you please pass the pussy.”

When women wear excessively loud shoes, it translates into “Hear that Daddy? I’m a big girl now! See, my shoes sound like a horse… clipity-clop, clipity-clop!” Piercingly loud high heeled shoes are reserved for women that never grew up but feel compelled in everything they do to prove they’re no longer Daddy’s little girl. Rest assured, the louder and more irritating the shoes, the more insecurities and self loathing there is.