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There was a young lady from Leith,
A woman stands in a crowded elevator at the hotel she is staying. A handsome man walks into the elevator and accidentally elbows her breast. Apologetically, the man says “I’m terribly sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your breast, you’ll forgive me.” To which the woman replies, “If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113.”
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
There was a young vampire called mable,
Guitar Hero is the incredibly popular music based video game which you play a replica guitar to music, the closer your playing gets to the actual guitar chords of the song, the better your score and progress in the game. Essentially eluding the player into thinking they are the rock star they will never in fact be. Obviously companies would want to capitalize on this success, with offshoot products and so on; or in this case to sell boxes of sugary cereal.
From the box, if you were a 12 year old kid you would be salivating at the descriptions of the Guitar Hero ‘mini-games’ randomly included in each box of cereal. The back of the box proclaims, “Music… it’s the hottest trend in gaming - and Kellogg’s has captured all the rock ‘n’ roll excitement in a new generation of show-stopping mini games!”. Any kid who couldn’t afford hundreds of dollars of latest generation game console equipment, video game software and replica guitars would be dropping a steaming turd in their pantaloons at the thought of owning anything with the Guitar Hero name on it. The box showcases four mini-games in a variety of shapes. The game we lucked out on came in the form of an awkwardly shaped watch with a postage stamp sized screen and 3 less-than-ergonomic buttons to control game play.
Immediately absent from this version of the music based game? Music… you know – the basis of the game. The only thing you’ll hear coming out of this game are your fingers mangling and mashing the crappy control buttons into the plastic casing. Instead of playing with music, you watch the monochrome screen blink different patterns of poorly drawn shit-like music symbols that appear to predate the first beta iteration of Pong. As the waves of music symbols blink you navigate your equally poorly drawn vomit-like figure under them. Unfathomable boredom sets in pretty much when you start the game, and drops to suicidal tendencies shortly thereafter. Somewhere between the boredom and suicide contemplation, your eyeballs begin to bleed from the almost invisibility of these music symbols due to the less than stellar screen quality.
The final and most monumental teeth to the curb, kick in the head? The fact that when you win the game, what it shows on the screen is identical to when you die. Whether you die or conquer all 5 identical levels of game play – all of the characters on the screen will flash. Way to go guys; you have an un-winnable game. So when a nation of non-musically inclined Guitar Hero players grow up, and postal rampages surge, we can look back at this moment in history and cringe. Those accountable will have amassed their billions from selling trucks of these useless games to unsuspecting cereal gorging kids, and we’ll be stuck with the aftermath – an army of discontent teens with reckless abandon for life.
Ralph hadn’t been on a date for quite some time, and knowing this, his good friend arranges a blind date for him. Having been stuck in a few bad blind dates in the past, Ralph is reluctant to accept the idea. His friend assures him that he would call during the date so he would have an excuse to leave, in case things weren’t going well. So Ralph agrees to the arrangement and later in the week he meets his date at a restaurant for dinner. After being with his blind date all evening, Ralph couldn’t handle another minute with her. Surely enough, his phone rings and he excuses himself from the table to answer it. When he returns to the table, he lowers his eyes, puts on a grim expression and saids, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.” The blind date replies, “Thank heavens, if yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”
There once was a fellow O’Doole, |
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