Artist Named Saint Limerick Posted July 16th, 2008 in Rude Limericks

There once was an artist named Saint,
who swallowed some samples of paint,
all shades of the spectrum,
flowed out of his rectum,
with a colourful lack of restraint.

She left me behind and I can’t move on! Posted July 16th, 2008 in Dr Thatslife Advice

Andrew, 16 from Baltimore, Maryland writes…

I have a question and I would really appreciate it if you could give me some advice. There is this girl who moved to my area and came to my school at the beginning of my freshmen year of school. I have liked her since I had first talked and met her. I was her first friend at the school. We are so alike. We both have our family problems, we both are very musically talented, smart, and can talk to each other about anything. She was shy and I introduced her to new people at the school.

Now at the end of my sophomore year she has changed. She has changed so she can be popular around everyone except me. Shes going out with this guy who only abuses her and he won’t let her break up with him or even go anywhere where guys might “see” her. She won’t do anything cause she feels attached to him cause no one else has liked her before, or so she thinks. Guys are all over and hitting on her now. She doesn’t want to be left alone because of all her abuse from her family that also caused her bulimia. She even said that he was her first friend and he first helped her out at school. That was me… that hurt me a lot that she forgot about that.

Its killing me seeing her like this. I love her. I never told her that, but no matter what happens I would never leave her. Others have but i never will. She is the only person who can make me happy. Its hard to explain how much I care for her. Shes never been off my mind for 2 years now. I don’t know what to do. Should I just try to move on (which is near impossible for me now), or should I tell her how I feel? I really feel dead inside without her… Thank you Dr. Thatslife.

Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Hate to say it buddy, but you’ve been standing at the bus stop for a bus that’s never going to come by… FOR TWO YEARS FOREST GUMP! Does that make any sense to you? Why are you at that stupid fucking run-down bus stop waiting for something you’re never going to get?

Let’s summarize your experience with her so far… “You met a girl; she showed some interest in hanging out with you; you were nice and showed her the local scene; she got into the scene and dropped you like rancid meat for the in-crowd; and now you’re too consumed by her to realize you were used and left in the dust.”

When you really look at it, what attracts you to her at this very moment? The conversations of her two fingering her pie hole after dinner? The lies she tells others to cover up any existence of her contact with you? Or is it the self punishment she looks for with the men she DOES choose? I mean come on Andrew… sit down and actually make a list of redeeming qualities she has that aren’t a total farce. Being musically talented shouldn’t be on the list; we need real tangible stuff to qualify why you would “feel dead inside without her”.

Now that we’ve looked at what has already happened, let’s take a glimpse into her future… The life she’s set up for herself is a tortuous never ending cycle of abusive relationships so she can relive her agonizing home years; she will subconsciously seek out destructive situations, habits and social circles that will play on her insecurities. And all of her life choices will engage her in undesirable experiences that will be life lessons she’ll never learn.

Sounds pretty grim right? You bet! Ultimately, you don’t want to be emotionally connected to a person like this. It’s an awful roller coaster to be on that you have absolutely zero control over. You may believe you can rehabilitate, rescue, help her down the right path, or whatever - but she’s programmed for self destruct and you ain’t got the disarm code.

Have I even begun to give you a glimmer of a reason that perhaps perusing her simply shouldn’t be in the cards? You DON’T love her, you’re only consumed by her based on an irrational lust - and you’ll waste some of the best years of your life chasing something that not only isn’t right for you, but won’t have you.

If other “options” come along, you’d most likely drop this ridiculous obsession, but perhaps nothing has come along yet. You would be a lot better off spending your energy in search of someone that makes more sense for you, that will treat you with the respect you deserve.

That’s life man.

Stiff Nipples Posted July 14th, 2008 in Funny Pictures

Smartly Dressed Woman Joke Posted July 14th, 2008 in Dirty Jokes

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says “Hi there good looking, how’s it going?”

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it.” To which he says “No kidding? I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”

Woman Named Vic Limerick Posted July 9th, 2008 in Rude Limericks

There once was a woman named Vic,
who pleasured herself with a stick,
she once got it stuck,
and said ‘what the fuck?’,
and now there’s no room for a prick.

Over Strained Posted July 7th, 2008 in Funny Pictures

Three Roses Joke Posted July 3rd, 2008 in Dirty Jokes

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret, as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!” “Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.” “Who is the third rose from?” she asked. “Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”

Mister From Blister Limerick Posted July 2nd, 2008 in Rude Limericks

There was a young mister from Blister,
who knocked up his gal as he kissed her,
but he couldn’t afford,
a new baby on board,
so from then on he just had to fist her.

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