Soldier Sarge Limerick Posted February 29th, 2008 in Rude Limericks

A soldier known only as Sarge,
had sex with a hooker named Marge,
though only a grunt,
he assaulted her cunt,
and gave her an honorable discharge.

The Newlyweds Joke Posted February 29th, 2008 in Dirty Jokes

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”

The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”

He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”

He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”

“And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”

Man From St. Rose Limerick Posted February 28th, 2008 in Rude Limericks

There was a young man from St. Rose,
whose love life was so full of woes,
he loved sixty-nine,
he’d do it all the time,
but always got shit on his nose.

I keep biting down on their dicks! Posted February 27th, 2008 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Megan, 15 from New Hampshire writes…

“I was at my best friend’s Lauren’s house, and she had introduced me to her stepbrother. We hit it off really great, and then he asked me to give him head. I had never given anybody head before, so I was kind of nervous. About 45 minutes later, he came. Seeing that I had never given anybody head before, it scared me and I bit down on his dick. The next morning, he had told Lauren. And before I knew it, the whole school knew. Now everyone calls me Nippy. Since then, I’ve given two other guys head, and my actions have repeated. Please help!!! Thanx, Megan.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Hmmm, sounds like you’re a pretty busy girl. First off, I find it amazing that you just meet someone and that same day your bobbing on his cock, on demand!? Can you seriously expect me to sympathize with you when you then tell me he’s spreading stuff around about you?

Didn’t anything possibly blink on and off in your head like, “Hmmm, he seems pretty sexually comfortable about asking me to do stuff on him, I don’t know the guy, there’s a chance I could end up with oral herpies or something?” Didn’t you stop to think half a second?

I bet I would be even more amazed if you told me the time span between blowing this first guy and the other two, probably a couple weeks. In which case, you now have a reputation of piping guys. They will use you and abuse you to the fullest extend of the “bastard male code” when they find this sort of thing out.

You see, the first guy finds out that you give head on command, he tells his friends, and before you know it they are lined up down the street to take advantage of you and your free tricks. Voila, the two other guys. They knew you were going to give it to them and surely enough, they came around looking for some.

You’ll get whatever you deserve until you clean up your act, respect yourself, and start finding out more about these guys before you suck them off.

As for your bite problem… You’re 15, inexperienced and probably getting into all this faster than you should be. Of course you are going to be a bit freaked out by some guy blowing his load in your mouth for the first time. Slow down, find someone that actually gives a shit about you, and then experience this sort of thing with a person that cares.

That, Megan, is my advise to you.

Technical Support Survival Guide Posted February 26th, 2008 in All Time Favorites

When we surveyed scores of technical support specialists on how they got through the average day of gruelling support requests, the results were to say the least, interesting. In order to remain sane, they often resorted to surprisingly unorthodox ways of dealing with the constant barrage of obnoxious users and technical fuck-ups. Here we present two of the best coping mechanisms that can make even the most disparaged support specialists the happy and diligent workers they were destined to be.

“The Miracle Dice”
When taking technical support calls, always be sure to carry a dice with you. This will become your single most valuable tool in diagnosing customer support issues, regardless of the technology or problem. Simply listen to the customer describe the issue (press mute to laugh), roll the dice, and BANG, problem solved… Each number on the dice corresponds to the appropriate advice:

1. Reboot computer 
2. Format hard drive
3. Reinstall software
4. Cycle power
5. Update required
6. Return for repair

“The Dismount”
Boredom and tedium in the server room is a common problem for network support people. The sub meat locker temperatures and air craft carrier deck noise levels leave you about as sharp as four month old carrots. Spice up your career by taking it to the edge. Seat yourself in front of a core business server… file server, email server, web server, who gives a shit as long as it will wake up a lot of users if it goes down. All you need is one of those crummy pink pencil erasers:

1. Log into the server console and attempt to dismount the primary drive.
2. When the system asks “Are you sure you wish to dismount the primary drive?” press the “Y” key.
3. Stand 3 metres back from the keyboard, and with your basketball skills in top form, lob your eraser at the Enter key.
4. You have only three attempts, so make them good.
5. When you succeed, proceed to clean up evidence of your existence and hastily exit the server room.
6. When you fail, there’s always another day.

Chew Kok Posted February 25th, 2008 in Funny Pictures

We make plans and he never keeps them! Posted February 24th, 2008 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Sara, 14 from New York writes…

“My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost a year now. A lot of the times when we make plans he never shows up. The next day when I confront him he always has a good excuse why he didn’t show up, a reason that’s impossible for me to disagree with. I get mad at myself for being selfish and getting angry with him even though I know it was impossible for him to meet me or call me to say he wasn’t coming. Whenever he does this he always gets very depressed and says that he doesn’t want to hurt me or see me upset. So you’re probably wondering what my question is. I just want to know if I should be getting angry at him even though he says he doesn’t want to hurt me for not showing up. Thanks Dr. That’s Life!”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Wow Sara, you really caught yourself a looser! This guy is using you like a piece of toilet paper. Why? Lets have a look at this shall we!

You two make plans… he doesn’t show up… gives you some cockamamie bullshit story. Well these sort of things happen. When it’s happening over and over again, that means he doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. There will of course be times when he’s absolutely right and he simply couldn’t make it. However if he is continually breaking commitments with you, would you say the two of you are really committed to each other as a relationship? No! Having a relationship is all about being there for the other person, its about showing in everything you do that you love the other person. What he is saying to you is, “Well, I didn’t feel like seeing you tonight, here’s my excuse.” When he gets all sorry and telling you all these reasons and getting depressed, all he’s doing is whispering sweet nothings into your ear and trying to get you to feel sorry for him to shadow what’s really going on.

It also sounds like you had to chase him for an answer as to why he never showed up. Don’t you think if he gave a rats ass about you, he would call you and say “Look, I’m sorry but I can’t make it tonight.” Its that simple… It takes a whole minute out of his schedule. It also saves you from a wasted night waiting for the fucking chump.

If he really was “depressed” over it, he WOULDN’T DO IT AGAIN TIME AND TIME AGAIN would he? Meaning he isn’t genuine about it. Tell this jerk off to get his act together, and that you want him on time, or you’ll be finding someone, errrr I mean, something else to do when he doesn’t show up!

And that my dear Sara, is life!

Old Women One Liner Posted February 23rd, 2008 in One Liner Jokes

Q. What do old women have between their breasts that young women don’t?

A. A navel.

Ghost Love Joke Posted February 22nd, 2008 in Dirty Jokes

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks, “Who here has seen a ghost?” Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks, “Who here has spoken with a ghost?” Half the audience puts up their hands. “And who here has touched a ghost?” Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. He asks, “And who here has made love with a ghost?” One small man in the back row puts up his hand… The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the man and says, “Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?” The small man replies, “Oh No! I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you back here. I thought you said ‘goat’.”

Hag Named Van Cleef Limerick Posted February 21st, 2008 in Rude Limericks

There was an old hag named Van Cleef,
who was constantly passing a queef.
one day while visiting the farm,
she passed one meaning no harm,
but killed the whole herd of beef.

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