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Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It’s not hard.
“I have had this on going problem for quite some time now. It’s concerning my ex-girlfriend. I don’t really know how to sum it up in a quick little letter, so I’m going to have to tell you the whole story from beginning to end ok. Don’t worry, it may be long but it will help you understand much more. Ok it all started last year. I’m 16 and she’s 14 by the way. I believe it was late May when I first got the courage to approach her. I had liked her for a long time, at least 2 months, when my friends made it so that I had to go and talk to her. It turned out well I thought, but since we didn’t know each other all that well we were pretty shy around each other. It only lasted a week before she dumped my sorry ass. I was heartbroken because I really cared for her, and didn’t have a chance. But things would come around again. About a week after that I had heard from her good friend that she still liked me, and wanted another chance. Over the next week she kind of pressured me to call her, and so I did, although at the time hated the idea. But things went very well, we got along great, it was like we had been friends for years. Then one night she asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, I agreed and met her at a park….we never went for a walk. We just sat there talking and gazing at the stars. That night I think was the night I fell in love with her, I know it sounds odd falling in love at my age, even impossible to some…but it happened. She told me about her past, and I realized she wasn’t your every day girl, she had had it rough. I think we sat out there talking for at least 4 hours when I finally asked her to go out with me again. This time things were good….at times a little hard to handle though. Two months it lasted this time, her longest relationship ever…and I think mine as well. We had a lot of fun, and also a couple fights, but all in all I thought things were going well. I know that she has problems when it comes to guys, she can’t handle getting further into a relationship….or at least that’s what she says, and for the most part I believe her. But I also think that it was my shyness, nervousness, and all around in experience that kept us from going any further. Anyway, I could tell she had lost interest, so I called her up and asked her to meet me somewhere….I asked her straight out, and it was over. And there I was devastated again, the first girl I had ever really cared about….even more than a family member….gone. It was a long weekend when we broke up, and she had gone away for a while. I ended up writing her a letter for when she got back, telling her my true feelings and a lot of other things concerning our relationship. For a while we lost touch, but she started calling me again. And eventually she wrote me a letter as well. This put me through a huge amount of emotional pain. In the letter she said at the end, “I think I’ve fallen in love with you.” Good timing huh, after we’re broken up. Nothing came of it. I hated her for calling me, it was as though she was leading me on, but at the same time I loved each time she called for I told her I’d always be there for her, and I could help her out with whatever is going on in her life. School started up again and even now she still has never gone more than two days without calling me. I used to think it was because she still had feelings for me, but I now realize it’s because I’m her best friend, and I’ve helped her through a lot of bad times. I love talking to her, she is one of my best friends too, but the trouble is I still love her. And now she’s bent on trying to get this other guy at my school. I’m fine with it, sure it hurts, but I only want her to be happy. I’m so sorry that was extremely long, I just hoped it clarifies the whole situation. My question is this: I still love her, but I don’t think anything will come of that any time soon. Should I stay with it in hopes that in time she may come back?? Or move on and stay her closest friend??”
If you want me to directly answer your question, I would chose the “move on and stay as her closest friend”. If you wanted me to answer it in my own way, I would say “move on and stay just as an occasional friend”. Meaning, I think you are too emotionally attached to her to be a “closest friend”. You would always be tearing yourself apart about the possibility of her wanting you back again. You would be analyzing every little signal of “possible romantic energy” emitting from this chick. Lets look at the situation shall we… It sounds from your description of the whole thing that you’re a fish she’s caught. Completely at her discretion, she reels you in, lets you go a bit, reeeeellllls you in, and lets you back out a bit. What a crummy emotional ride you DON’T need. Every other month she’s back and forth. Doesn’t it just get tedious after a while? Doesn’t your mind say, “Wow, this girl is really taking me for a ride and I just keep coming back for more like a fucking moron!” You sound like you are literally at her mercy. Dumps you, comes back a month later saying, “Ohhh I love you!” and you come crawling back to her. You sound like a caring guy, but she is abusing that. You also sound like you genuinely like her, but some combos just aren’t meant to be - this sounds like one of them. Note that she is only 14, pretty young to be doing all this stuff, and she may genuinely not know what to feel or do at any given point along the way. So, for you, these uncertainties she has translates into break ups and inconsistencies in the relationship. This is also pretty small scale stuff, we are talking months, not years here, and the total time you have actually been going out with her is miniscule. It just isn’t going to make that big of a dent in your life if you just say fuck it to the whole thing and go find someone else. Keeping her as a friend is only alright if you are emotionally prepared to classify her as “friend-only” in your mind. If you are not capable of doing that it will be torture for you every time you two get together. Try the “occasional friend you hook up with” think and look elsewhere for a relationship. You need to go get some fresh material because this one is getting real stale and its stinking up the place! That’s life!
Michigan, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) – After spilling an iced coffee beverage onto his lap while driving from a local coffee shop drive-through, a Michigan man is now suing the shop for $800,000 in damages and mental anguish. The man claimed it was a “traumatic experience” that has “negatively altered his life”. He claims that he was unaware of the frigid temperature of the Ice Mocha or he would have taken better precautions with handling the beverage. The coffee shop owner said during our interview, “Anyone who doesn’t know the temperature of a drink that has the word ‘ice’ in its name has much more important things to worry about than a moment of discomfort due to his own negligence. He sustained no physical harm and there were no damages to his vehicle or possessions except a brown stain on his pants, which I am sure is something he is used to.”
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out “Watch that fucking wall!”
“I’m married and I do love my husband. He is 24. At times, I feel he does not take the marriage into high importance. I asked my husband to spend at least 15 minutes a day talking and to spend one day a week with me. Before I had a hard time even getting him to talk to me. I often feel like when we were dating all was okay, but as soon as we got married, I feel like he’s changed and is not ready for marriage. A lot has happened to us in our own personal lives, but who doesn’t have any past issues? I have several issues I can deal with alone or with his support, but he won’t even talk to me about anything unless I bring the subject up first. I just know I’m left questioning the value of marriage. My husband holds to society’s typical standard of marriage. Wife stays home, cooks, cleans, laundry, and leaves the man alone. Like what he wants to do is fine and dandy, but when I want to do something, I have to do it on his terms. We spend many hours at his parents house, but we spent at least half of those “many” hours at my parents visiting. I don’t like this and I find it very unfair to me. I say my husband could be doing me better, but our parents say this is normal and that I’m to live with it. As if I’ve got no choice. My husband has a fine habit of not asking me if we have plans or remembering/asking my input on any plans he/we/I make. Like he can do as he pleases, but I must include him in all I do. I get upset and he does not understand why. I explained why and he claims he’s sorry and won’t do it again. My husband has been known to make a lot of plans/promises and he always breaks them. He wonders why I get so upset and afraid to trust him. You see, I watched a lot of people live with society’s lifestyle of marriage and I don’t want that type of life for myself. Before my husband and I were married we had made a marriage contract and I’ve held up my end of the contract, but he’s yet to fulfill his part. He has even thought of having children early and I told him I wanted to wait longer, like 25. My main question is how do I know when my husband is giving me sob story and sorry excuse for his lame idea to say he’s not ready for the true responsibilities of a married life and that he only wants what he can get, not caring what I want or anything. I’ve dated several times before I married and he has not dated anyone outside of me. I was concerned that he wasn’t ready since I was his only one, but he assured me it was no problem. I feel like I went into this marriage with my head on straight and he is not ready at all. How do I find out if my husband if truly sincere in being married to me, he’s just needing additional time? Am I blowing things way out of proportion?”
Katie, from the sounds of things, you are not blowing things out of proportion, providing what you are telling me is accurate and not just “your side” of the story. Make sure you are looking at both sides of this. Your first line talks about how you love your husband, but then go in great detail for the rest of the email giving me pretty good reasons why you wouldn’t. You first, before all of this, need to be honest with yourself and ask how much you loved your husband back when you were first going out before marriage, and how much you love him right now. Then ask, what changed that. Was there something that may have caused this attitude adjustment? Or are you just noticing these things now because you are living together or know you are in this for the long haul? First off, you need to see him as he is…Requiring him to talk with you for x amount of time per week and see you x amount of days is fucking wrong. Just completely lift these rules and see what happens! You then know very well what he thinks of the whole thing because it requires HIS effort and initiative. Requiring him to see you only masks what the real situation is. He will also build a resentment towards talking to you if he feels there is a requirement to do so. The fact that you felt you had to instate such a thing would imply that things are pretty fucked up in your view. You are right though, he doesn’t really have an interest in your life, which is something that is important in a marriage. He doesn’t even sound like a good friend, let alone husband. A friend would show an interest, be curious as to what is happening in your life and your opinion on things, so this is something your husband should definitely have. A friend would also allow you to decide things for yourself and do things which are beneficial to your life, the hubbie doesn’t do this. As for your inability to do anything you want to because he needs to literally approve it, that is just wrong. You have to remember that even though you are married, you are still, YOU! Your identity, ability to make decisions for yourself and independence aren’t checked in at the door when you get married, they are all still rights that you have. Live how you feel it best creates a good quality of life for you, not by how someone else dictates it to you. Marriage is about two people being together in a relationship, but they are still two people, with two separate lives in the end. Your parents approving what is going on is fucking warped. They should be concerned about the health of this relationship - and NO you shouldn’t be just accepting it for what it is. The fact that he is breaking plans and promises (providing he is not giving good explanations) is crap. People, regardless of who they are or what relationship they are in, need to stand by what they say. Its as simple as that. Otherwise they are not respecting you! Also ask, are you breaking any plans or promises on your end? Marriage contract eh? Do you know what a contract is for? Its something that is invoked to make sure all parties concerned do what is requested of them or else. Basically speaking. Again, ALL PARTIES CONCERNED, meaning you AND your husband. This marriage contract sounds pretty dorky. Like as in this whole attitude he has did predate your marriage, and something like this was felt needed. You two put this in place for most likely similar reasons you placed the 15 minute talk quota on him, bad. However, if he isn’t living up to his end of it, bring it to him and ask why? Mention that you met your side of the agreement, if he challenges that - make sure you listen to what he says, he may have some valid points. Having a kid would be the worst decision right now. Communication between the parents (something you guys are truly lacking) is a key element in successfully raising a child. WOW Katie, you really don’t want kids with this guy until things are sorted out and you are DAM WELL READY TO HAVE ONE. You have kids when you are fucking well ready to. If you say no, its because you still want to live your life and are simply not ready. Its not as if you have said “No - Never!” you just don’t want it right now. Very understandably too, your only 22 and want to be experiencing more in your life before you have to commit a lot of your time and efforts into child raising. That is all he needs to know, and that is where it should be left until you decide its time. When you wrote this letter to me you knew exactly that his excuses and stories were horse shit. Why are you asking me? If you just want a second opinion…Yes, its all horse shit! If you’re the first and last girl he went out with, that will be on his mind for the rest of his life “What would it have been like if…” “I wonder what its like to dick some other chick…” “Wonder what it would have been like if I stayed on the singles seen and just had some fun.” get the picture? BAD move to marry the first girl you go out with. No matter what he told you, those questions are going to be with him forever. This whole thing is nothing about needing more time for him to get serious about this relationship, he would be completely different right now if he was going to ever take this seriously. Examine what you have now, and just project it 10,20,30 years ahead… time to make some changes baby… Sit down for the big talk, and ask him questions like, “Do you love me?” “Why do you love me?” “What things that you do, convey to me that you love me, because I’m sure as hell not getting them!” Explain to him, in detail, all the feelings you have just like you told me, WITH MANY EXAMPLES READY TO BACKUP ALL THESE FEELINGS. From the answers he gives you, you’ll know what to do from there. Luckily there are no kids involved, in case his answers really suck. It sounds like you are really unhappy with the whole relationship, and if he isn’t giving you answers to your questions that shine hope in the future or that he is going to change, you two should seek some serious marriage counseling. If giving that an honest attempt doesn’t accomplish the results you seek, I would say you need to re-evaluate your marriage. That’s unfortunately life…
We all enjoy a good satisfying shit. But did you know that you can transform a regular shit into a fantastic shit? Just follow our simple eight step guide to the perfect crap! Follow along as we take you into a new chapter in your life… 1. Timing - The right timing makes all the difference… Don’t be so eager that you sit disappointed as you struggle to pinch a loaf; and at the same time don’t wait until you’re touching cloth to drop an atomic. Let your instincts guide you. 2. Attire - Multiple layers of difficult to manage clothes will complicate your shit. Ol’ skool pajama’s with a back-end trap door can keep you warm during longer bombing sessions; but are fashionably impractical in today’s modern world. 3. Bathroom - A tranquil and familiar environment provides for the most pleasant ass blasts. Public restrooms in bus terminals, small town airports, donut stores and gas stations should be avoided at all costs. Home is where the shit goes down, if you have more than one bathroom, choose the one your wife didn’t decorate with cat grass and piss soaked fluffy toilet seat covers. 4. The Toilet - Just like the seat in your car or chair in your office, comfort is important when pushing out turd nuggets. The right height, seat width and elongation can prevent shitter’s sleepy legs on those longer strenuous sessions. This may require the purchase and installation of a new toilet, as many stock toilets builders use in today’s homes are inadequate for the needs of crap masters. 5. Reading Material - There is nothing better than taking a gigantic shit of biblical proportions while going through the entire weekend edition of the local newspaper. The toilet can also make a great place for reading magazines, instruction manuals for your new flat screen TV and other books you’ve been meaning to catch up on. 6. Ventilation - Suffocation on your own excrement fumes is an awful way to die. Skimping on cheap ventilation fans and pathetic little post card sized windows is your one way ticket to the morgue my good friend. Make sure the fan is variable speed so you can lower the fan speed while taking a regular dump to maintain the ambiance; and pump the fan up for when you’re squirting liquid shit from your asshole and you need to constantly exhaust large volumes of air for your survival. 7. Toilet Paper - Quantity and quality are everything. Don’t ruin a perfectly good crap by ending it off with cheap, shitty toilet paper. Softness is the difference between wiping your brown eye with sand paper or satin. Quality is the difference between “I just got shit stank on my hand” single layer toilet paper and “I could clean up nuclear waste and survive” triple layer toilet paper. 8. Deodorizing - When your bowl has been full of E. coli swill for however long it took for you to blast your ass, the bathroom may require detoxification in order for other humans to survive use of the room for hours or even days afterward. Choose something less floral bouquet and more industrial solvent level, we’re dealing with toxins of ungodly power here.
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.” The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife asks. “I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The Bartender says, “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” The man replies ” I don’t know but its driving me nuts”.
“Well, a couple days ago, my mom and dad got a divorce, and now my dad is moving to Iowa and he wants me to go and live with him… I want to because that would mean that I could be with my boyfriend. My mom wants me to stay with her…and I want to stay with her because of my friends. I just don’t know what to do, I love my boyfriend with all my heart and I want to be with him…please can you help me?”
At your age I think a group of good friends would be more important then a boyfriend in this decision. Boyfriends will come and go, but friends will not only be there for you for a long time, but lead to other boyfriends. Sounds pretty negative, but the scenario of you moving to Iowa for your boyfriend and him dumping you shortly after for whatever reason is a possibility. Whereas your already living in Canada, you have friends you sound like you can count on…That is important and worth hanging onto more then many other things in life. This decision shouldn’t just be based on “boyfriend” or “friends”… You need to weigh the pros and cons of each place based on other factors as well, such as… Take into account the physical place you decide upon. Do you enjoy living in Canada, or do you want to experience something different by moving to Iowa? You may not like one more then the other and that is something you should make an important part of the whole thing. Your life is shaped not only by your friends, but what your city has to offer you too. This is also an issue of which parent you would rather live with. If you get along with one better then the other, this may also sway your decision. That’s life!
Q. What do a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. |
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Eddy, 16 from Denver, Colorado writes…
Dr Thatslife has this to say…
Katie, 22 from Lansing writes…
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