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Jack and Tom, are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian’s head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, “I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give them a thousand bucks.” Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians. After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine. The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy. Jack says, “Tom, take a look at this.” Tom says, “Not now, I’m busy.” Jack says, “I really think you should have a look.” Tom says, “Asshole, can’t you see I’m busy? I’ve got a thousand dollars in my hand.” Jack says, “Please, Tom, take a look.” Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and there’s five thousand Indians standing there. Tom says, “Fuck! We’re gonna be millionaires!”
“Okay, I don’t know what to do about a “friend” I have. I have been “friends” with Bruce for a little over a year now. I say “friends” because it is a little hard to categorize our relationship. We have been sleeping together through out our relationship. I wanted more than just a “fuck friend” and it seemed that is all it was. We hung out at my house all the time, never going to his place. He is 32 and he told me he lived with his mom because she asked him to help her out. So the fact we never went to his house was understandable. Well after six months in the relationship, it still was not going anywhere. I tried to talk to him several times about not being fuck buddies and he always said it was more than that. Well things would get better for awhile. Most of the time we talked about his problems and we would hangout and watch TV. We have gone out to dinner a few times, always to the same restaurant, and we have gone to the movies a few times. Well recently I found out he is staying with another woman. Not really living with his mom. He said it was 50% of his time at Mom and 50% at Laura’s. I lost it when I found out. (He didn’t tell me, I found out by accident.) He has since told me she is just an ex-girlfriend and they were just friends. They see other people. Well I don’t know if I believe him. Have you ever heard of something like that? Well the question is should I still try to be friends with him or should I try to tell Laura who maybe in a serious relationship with him? I don’t plan on sleeping with him again. At least, until he moves away from Laura’s. He tells me he wants more and doesn’t want to lose me in his life. My friendship is too important to loose. Part of me just wants to tell him to Fuck Off! Please help! Is he full of shit??? I don’t know what to do!!!”
Yeah, I think he’s full of shit. When I was reading your consultation, it was obvious even before reading on, that this living with his momma thing was crap. At any rate a 32 year old living with his mother is either because he ain’t got the money to be else where, is a mommas boy, or yes, possibly because he really needs to help her out because she has some sort of disability, but what are the real odds of that? Then when I read he is ACTUALLY living with his ex-girlfriend, that’s when we struck reality. This 50 / 50 thing is absolute diarrhea. Try 98% girlfriend, the rest his momma. If he is lying to you about this story initially, what makes you think anything else he is telling you is true? Don’t complicate things, you have no need to tell Laura what’s going on, its her problem, don’t make it yours any more then it already is. It is between them. He said Laura is an ex-girlfriend, whether that is true or not, you don’t need to get involved. Unless of course a situation comes up that makes it easy for you to talk to her and sus out the situation between them and decide then, whether it would be very valuable for her to know what’s going on. Its not fair for anyone to have a fuckwit like this guy cheating on them. Your actual dates with him out to the same restaurant over and over again and the cobbled together collection of other stuff like watching TV sounds like a joke. Don’t expect it to get better, he would have pulled all the stops out at the beginning of the relationship, it only gets progressively worse from here. Don’t tell me this “no sex with him anymore, at least until he moves out”. Common Louise, make up your fucking mind. Either he is the type of person you want to share such an intimate act with or not. Whether he moves out of a girlfriends place you didn’t even know about has absolutely nothing to do with whether you should have sex with him. Decide based on the real substance of who he is, a looser. I’m sure if you had other options in terms of guys, this one wouldn’t exist. He’s taking you for a ride, so lift your arm, extend that finger, because your “Tell him to fuck off” option sounds like your best idea yet. That’s Life!
“Dear Dr. Thatslife, I have a few problems right now and I was hoping you could give me some advice. There is this guy who is 17 that I like and he supposedly likes me too. Here’s the problem and I know its not uncommon for guys to do this but he keeps sending me mixed signals. For instance, in the one class we have together he always flirts with me and in the hallway or any other time I see him he doesn’t say hi to me or anything and he flirts with other girls in front of me. I know I’m making him sound kinda bad maybe but he is a really nice guy but what’s up with that? What should I do? Another thing is I asked him to do something with me on the weekend but he said “I don’t like to go places, I like to stay home.” What’s with that, what should I do? So he invited me and my best friend with her boyfriend over to his house and I said yeah, that would be fun but my parents said no and now I feel like they are giving me zero freedom or options and I really want to go to his house to hang out with him and some friends. Am I out of line to be upset with my parents or are they wrong? Thanks sooo much for your help.”
Doesn’t like to “go places”? Who the hell is this guy? Even if you do hook up with him, isn’t it going to get pretty stale fast if he never wants to do anything except hang around the home front? GOD! Those mixed signals at school he is giving you could mean a number of things. Example, the fact that he keeps his flirting to a single class and flirting with other girls elsewhere would tell me he’s trying to be a pimp daddy. “Don’t flirt with Bethany in the halls because then it ain’t easy to flirt with the other chickies.” Right? The fact that he doesn’t really recognize you outside of that class would flick the warning bells on as far as I’m concerned. If he was genuinely interested in you, he would make an effort irrespective of where he is. Another thing is that he may be paying attention to the age difference. Sounds stupid, but in school, two years to some people is a big difference. So although he may like you, he doesn’t want the world to know and therefore the whole no recognition thing in the halls could have something to do with that. The real reason why he acts like this could be anything. Whatever the cause, totally ignoring you in one place then flirting with you in another is fucking stupid and immature. So he does invite you to his joint, but the parents are saying access denied… Have you had a level headed talk with them about it. Explaining that “parents will be there” (if they are); “I will be home by a certain time”; “there are only friends from school and I already know everyone who will be there from school”. What your trying to do with this talk is break down some of their fears and setting up some compromises and informing them of what is happening. When you are telling them you know everyone who will be there from school, what you’re really saying is, “No mom and dad, there are no strangers coming over I don’t know that are gonna sell me drugs and take me into the bedroom for a bonk session.” Its about telling them things that will make them warm and fuzzy. Telling them you will be home not so late is a good one. Offer for them to drop you off and pick you up - even better! If you do end up going out with the guy again another time, you can possibly put an extension on that time limit because you were so good about being home on time the last visit - right? The more information you hold back or are vague on, the more they suspect something is going on. Its about being mature in how you handle the situation, that is important to parents. Don’t break into a tantrum the night before you’re supposed to go over to his place - be mature about it. So, yeah, you certainly are getting mixed messages but I would pay attention to the negative ones because they could be telling you a lot. If you really want to go, be respective of your parents and everything should fall into place. That’s Life!
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. “I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said, “I guess I let myself go.” The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.” “Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.”
A man that was drinking all day goes into a bar. He demands a beer and is denied. Yet he keeps asking the bartender. Finally the bartender grabs him and throws him out. Another man is walking by and the man who was thrown out stops him. He says hey I’ll bet you 100 dollars that I’m Jesus Christ. The man walking by laughs at him and says make it 500 dollars and you got yourself a bet. The man claiming to be Jesus says come with me into this bar and I’ll prove it. So they walk in and sit down at the bar. Suddenly the bartender comes from the back of the bar and sees the man he threw out. Angrily the bartender looks toward the man he just threw out and says Jesus Christ I told you to stay out of here. The man walking by looks amazed and pays the man his 500 dollars.
I had to laugh when the new Curves fitness gym for women ads aired recently. The commercial starts with images of women in their “This is me now” look and a narrative saying “Women of the world, It’s time to take 30…” referring to the 30 minute workout they need to magically transform their troll like figures into the bodacious enviable body they never before now had the willpower to bother changing. The women in the ad are essentially these 40 to 50 somethings that have spent a lifetime abusing their bodies beyond recognition, and now have these little “I’m top shelf material.” smirks on all of their faces as they spend 30 minutes a day in a gym doing low impact workouts (read: not breaking a sweat) and suddenly mistaking themselves as cock bait. I would LOVE to see the drop out rate at those gyms by the end of each member’s first month, with some stragglers still lingering around a few months later trying to escape the tedium of their lives.
“Hey Dr Thatslife, I haven’t done this before so I hope I do it right. Okay, it all started about a year and a half ago. I had a great boyfriend, he meant everything to me, and if he told the truth then I was everything to him too. You probably think that at the time a fourteen year old wouldn’t know what love is. I admit maybe I don’t but I have never felt the way I feel about him than to anybody else ever, even now. We were going out for about 8 months and then he told me he was moving, and to make it even worse he was moving from New York to Connecticut. We both were upset, but there was nothing either of us could do. So he moved in august and we became “just friends”. He decided that it would be best for both of us if we didn’t have a long distance relationship and I agreed. This all happened about 6 months ago. Still, we keep in contact with each other online or over the phone, we actually talk every single day. Neither of us talk about our past relationship or dating other people that much, I guess we kind of had an unspoken agreement to not see other people until high school finished and we could be with each other again. It’s hard… he is going to drive up here at the end of senior year and is planning on going to a college that is very close to my house, you could probably understand, he wants to see me just as much as I want to see him. Okay, so here’s where my troubles come in. If I date another guy, even once, I feel extremely guilty, like I betrayed him. And if he dates another girl he feels really horrible about it too. And we both tend to get a little jealous too. I don’t know what to do, I feel like this whole situation is totally screwed up. I can’t even have another boyfriend because I always ruin it. Please help me Dr Thatslife.”
You two made the right decision by agreeing not to have a long distance relationship, but at the same time it sounds like you’re having one. It all comes down to the simple fact that you guys are just friends, not dating and are not even in the same state. It was a mutual decision to end the relationship due to circumstance and on good terms. Since it was a great relationship, it makes it hard to actually move on. There is a big difference between being friends and being in a relationship, you just need to remind yourself of them. It is first of all unreasonable for either of you not to date anyone until the end of high school. By that time you two may have changed, either of you may no longer be interested, and you have also wasted an important time in your life to be meeting and dating a variety of other people. All of this for someone you have no guarantees will be there for you in the end. Its all lovely to have these dreams of him coming back to the school near you and being together again… but you have to assume a number of years down the track, that scenario may not happen. With that in mind, you need to in your mind seriously focus on the fact that you two are only friends and have your own separate lives to fulfill. Talking on the phone and emailing someone in another state is not a fulfilling way to spend your high school years. I can understand why you two may not talk about your past relationship or current dating, it can be difficult. Fact of the matter is, you don’t have to talk about any of that to him, he’s just your friend, making it completely optional. If you are dating another guy, it is actually none of his business if you don’t feel like telling him about it. You have to say to yourself, “WHY do I have these feelings of guilt? I only went out with him for 8 months, he doesn’t even live here any more, and I need to get on with my life!” Can you really come up with any valid reasons to feel guilty? Jealousy is also another normal feeling, but again, WHY are you feeling guilty? At the end of a day of feeling guilty about dating some new guy the night before, have you really achieved anything by feeling that way? NO WAY! So evaluate on what basis are you feeling guilt and jealousy and ask are they really substantiated by your relationship with him. Jealousy? He has just as much right to date other people as you do now. I think you will find that there really is no reason to feel this way in the end if you just let go of him. Also keep in mind what guilt actually is! A feeling you get when you have done something wrong. You are doing nothing wrong when dating other guys! It sounds like he was POSSIBLY your first or one of your first serious relationships, this makes it even harder to part your ways, but at the same time even more important to move on. So, remember you two are FRIENDS; you have no guarantees of being together in the future; both of you need to develop your own separate lives; and really evaluate your feelings with a dose of reality. Its good that you two keep in contact and stay friends, that is important, just don’t let it take over your life. That’s Life!
Q. Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute? A. A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again!
A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her “the look”. Whispering under her breath, the wife says “No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching!” Husband replies, “You’re right, let’s go to the beach.” After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. “Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public!” Embarrassed, the husband admits “You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn’t seen each other for an entire week. Now, I’m a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.” The cop thought for a second and said “Don’t worry… you are a colleague and it’s your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay.”
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.” The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.” The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.” The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.” The bear says, “I’m NOT on drugs.” Te bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.” |
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Louise, 24 from Columbia writes…
Dr Thatslife has this to say…
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