Beach Action Joke Posted October 7th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.

“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book.

“Do you live around here?” she asked.

“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?”
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”

The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

Fake Puke Joke Posted October 4th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself “If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me”. He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing “My wife is going to leave me. I’m just a miserable old drunk and now I’m going to die alone”. The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy “It’s not that bad. You can get out of this.” The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says “Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt.”

The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says “That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you.” The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams “I can’t believe it. You’re drunk. I warned you but you just don’t care. I’m moving out.” The drunk says “Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I’m not drunk.” She says ” Look at you… you puked down the front of your shirt.” He says “I didn’t do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself” She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says “This is a $10 bill” He looks at her and says “Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too”.

Dough Boy One Liner Posted October 3rd, 2007 in One Liner Jokes

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

A. Doughnuts.

Dark Forest Joke Posted October 3rd, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

She still has feelings for ex, but I want her! Posted October 3rd, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Stuart, 18 from London writes…

“I recently went out with a girl I knew from college. We split up after only one week because she still has feelings for her ex. The problem is that she hates him but can’t shake her feelings for him. She has told me that I’m the nicest guy she’s ever been out with as I treated her so well. Unlike her ex. She is trying her hardest to get over him and has told me that when she does, we can pick up where we left off.

We have become close friends since splitting up but I want more than just friendship. I’m sure she does but I don’t know how long to leave it before making a move. I have strong feelings for her and don’t want to spoil my chances before there was ever a chance of anything happening. All I’m after is some advice.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

If she wants space because she is still trying to figure out the whole ex-boyfriend situation, give it to her. But have a look at what’s happening… Here we have a girl that is confused between someone who treats her like crap and going out with someone who doesn’t. We aren’t talking about a stellar decision maker in action here. Do you want to be in the middle while she’s trying to figure this all out? She isn’t going to be focused on you, that’s for sure. She will probably be hard enough to deal with even when she is straight set on you.

Don’t push her into anything, let her make the first move. Unless its blaringly obvious that she wants a relationship with you, then you can make the move. If you move her faster then she is ready to go, it will never work. She has to deal with all this at her speed. She needs to realise why she is getting rid of the ex-dickhead, which it doesn’t sound like she truly has. If she doesn’t do that she will always have these moronic fantasies of getting back together with him, and that he will change his ways and so on, unless closure is put to the matter in her mind. If that’s next week or next month, you are just going to have to wait it out man!

That’s Life!

Rejection One Liner Posted October 2nd, 2007 in One Liner Jokes

Q. What’s the ultimate rejection?

A. When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Man and his Midget Joke Posted October 1st, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn’t see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, “Yes. I’ll have a couple more. “The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, “Why, do you order two drinks at a time?”

The man replies, “Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife.”

Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, “Your wife? Where is she?”

“She’s standing here next to me.”

The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, “Well, I’ll be God damned, she ain’t any bigger than your fist!”

The man replies, “No, but she’s a lot better!”

He’s become distant over past month, why? Posted October 1st, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Martta, 42 from Montclair writes…

“Do alcoholics in recovery have problems with relationships? I know this is a pretty general question but I need to know for my own sanity. When I met my current boyfriend 8 months ago, he told me on our second date that he’s an alcoholic in recovery for 7 years. My first reactions were “Wow, that’s great! Congrats!” and “I think it’s really brave of him to be sharing this with me but I am glad he did.” Now I wonder. About 1 month and a half ago, he started acting very weird and distant. He didn’t call or email me as much and it didn’t seem like he was anxious to see me on weekends like he was in the beginning. I know that for the past few months he has been having back problems, bad enough that he was told he has to have surgery and that is really bumming him out. I told him that I understand and I will be there for him. All to no avail.

Today I got an email message from him saying he’s not sure where our relationship is going (duh!). Everything started off so great in the beginning…what happened? I should add that I personally have no addictions but always seem to end up with addicted and/or obsessive-compulsive personalities. What gives? Thanks in advance for your help!”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Your blaming everything except the relationship its self. He’s a reformed alcoholic, he’s got back problems, blah blah blah… In the end, it just sounds like the relationship has either fizzled out for him or truly has no direction. What the heck does the alcoholism your boyfriend’s recovered from have anything to do with his recent lack of interest? If he’s truly been off the juice for 7 years, its a non-issue for what were talking about here. I know you want to pin down the reason for this distant behaviour but I think your really looking at it the wrong way.

There could be a million and one reasons why he is acting this way, and it doesn’t sound like you have actually come out and approached him on the matter with a SERIOUS conversation. Which is exactly what you need to do. I could sit here and type away a whole realm of POSSIBLE reasons, but all of it is going to be useless, because I don’t know the guy. That email you got from him is probably pretty accurate. He is not going to sit down and write that email unless he feels that he really has issues about the relationship.

So its time for the big talk Martta! Ask him what’s going through his mind about the relationship. Tell him your side of it, how you feel about him, how you felt things were going and how they are now. Then ask him where he wants the relationship to go and see where the conversation takes you! It could be as simple as him holding back because he perceives the relationship as not going anywhere and wants MORE so he’s protecting himself by holding back. Or he really could be thinking, there isn’t much point to continuing this and he’s, yup, holding back. WHO KNOWS until you ask him!? For that matter, are YOU sure you want to keep this relationship going? Sounds like its a lot of work, and for what in the end?

Just make sure you at least start getting answers from this guy, or you’re really wasting your time being in this relationship.

As for your supposed attracting abilities of addicts and obsessive types… Be more careful and selective about who you pick and don’t rush into any relationship because they are there. Learn from the signs the previous ones gave you and stay away from guys exhibiting them. If you truly have gone out with a string of them, you must be able to pick out a few common things that they all tended to do, that other guys wouldn’t. Watch for these hints on dates and act accordingly.

That’s Life!

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