Another Alcoholic Message Posted October 24th, 2007 in Scathing Opinion

You would think the ambulance ride and stomach pump after the last booze binge festival would change his ways. But judging from this text message I got from him before a party we went to last weekend, he hasn’t changed shit. Again, funny message, but it screams raging alcoholic…

“OH GOD TOM… WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK OF ME AS I STAGGER DOWN THE FUCKING STREET WITH MY PUKE STAINED CLOTHES? MY CRUSTY PIE HOLE WILL BE SWALLOWING AIR TRYING TO SUSTAIN LIFE LIKE A FISH ON A FUCKING FISHING ROD - WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SCOTCH? SCOTCHIE… BEAM ME UP TO DRUNKNESS YOU USELESS BASTARD! TONIGHT I WILL BE ROLLING IN THE GUTTERS FEEBLY SCRAPING AT THE SIDEWALK AS THE WORLD SPINS AROUND ME. GO AWAY! DONT LOOK AT ME! IM WORKING ON FIRST PLACE FOR BEINGE DRINKING, I WANT TO WIN, I WANT TO BE A WINNER. WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY PENIS IS HANGING OUT OF MY TRENCH COAT? HOW ELSE AM I GOING TO WANK MYSELF IN PUBLIC? THIS IS FOOLISHNESS, I HAVE TO KEEP SLAPPING RUM SHOTS DOWN MY FUCKING GULLET TILL THAT GOLDEN TEQUILA SUNRISE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I SPIT WHEN I’M TALKING? I HAVE TO GO AND DO THE JIG FOR MY SOBRIETY TEST. SHIT THIS BURBON MAKES ME SMILE.”

Man Gives Up On Women Posted October 22nd, 2007 in Broken News

Atlanta, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) – Atlanta native auto mechanic Michael Ross publicly declares that he has given up the life long struggle to figure out what women really want. This came after a recently published report estimating American corporations had spent over $3.8 billion dollars in 2005 to determine what women want from their products and marketing, and had largely failed. “If combining rooms full of highly skilled experts and truck loads of money can’t figure these women out, how on earth is the typical blue collar man with $28,000 after tax dollars a year supposed to?” said Mr. Ross during an interview with Atlanta news reporters. “It may be that these women themselves have no idea what they are looking for or what will win them over. Many admit to having the exact same qualities in one man be endearing, while in another, off-putting.” Mr. Ross’s web site has generated over 137,000 letters of support from other men in it’s guest book since his announcement earlier in the week.

He cheated for revenge on something I didn’t do! Posted October 21st, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Michelle, 28 from Indiana writes…

“My boyfriend, of 3 years at the time, thought that I had been cheating on him. He let it eat at him for a couple of weeks without saying anything and in the meantime there was a girl who was trying to get with him by playing the “friend” role. I wasn’t aware of it at the time because she was just a customer of ours (we were bartenders at the same bar) and he said that he couldn’t stand her. She saw him in the bar one night and asked why he was upset and he said that he thought I was cheating on him and she said that maybe it would help to talk to a girl to get a female point of view. She came by his house while I was at work.

This is my problem… (I know that the details are true because I asked the little bitch) He did her “orally” for about a minute and then she did the same for quite awhile only because he couldn’t get an erection. (He never has that problem with me) He finally put a stop to it and told her to leave and not to tell anyone. He never told me any of this, I found out on my own, it only took a week. He told me that the only reason he did it was that he thought I was cheating on him and he wanted to get me back, and the only reason that he “went down” on her was because he knew that it would hurt me.

I want to believe him but it has been 2 years and I can’t get over it. It still hurts and I don’t trust him anymore. I wasn’t there and I don’t know if he stopped because he felt guilty, like he claims, or if he got frustrated not being able to get it up. I used to trust him 100% now all I do is think he is cheating on me. Give me some advice PLEASE!”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

I can see why you have lost faith in him… What he did is so immature that you could probably get a frown out of a new born baby. He THINKS you’re cheating on him, and his best solution is to eat out some chick he knows as a patron at the bar he works at? This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. First, he didn’t have the balls to just confront you to save himself from all this and learn the truth. Then, he decided that getting revenge on something he doesn’t even know is true was the best thing to do. Wow, what a winner.

Does he handle everything like this? This sort of attitude must show through in other things he does. If you really do want to bother with him and get past this little incident you need to put closure to it in your mind. It will be difficult because now you’ve been dwelling and brewing over it for all of known time. Also, you will need to be some how satisfied that he won’t do anything this retarded again, and that is up to him how he convinces you. Then it’s up to you to believe him or not.

First, don’t focus on the little bullshit stuff like “whether he stopped with her because his conscious was killing him or because he had a limp cock.” WHO CARES?! No matter what the answer is to that (and you will most likely never know the real answer) it makes no difference at this point. Right? So don’t spend mind cycles worrying about it. You need to deal with a situation like this on a much larger scale. He was there, with his head between another woman’s legs. It’s as simple as that. Throw all the excuses and little fine print details away, and just look at it for what it is. Then you have a much more manageable way of looking at it in your mind. One big issue versus a dozen smaller questions (basically describing the same thing, and many based on unknowns) is much easier to cope with.

Then you need to ask yourself, is this acceptable or not. You may come to the conclusion that this is ridiculous and realize that you can’t deal with a person that handles things this moronically and it’s time to move on. But it sounds like you want to keep going with this relationship so let’s go down that road here instead.

It’s time to start having a serious talk with him. Sit him down and explain to him “what you did to me and how you have felt over the past couple of years”. Then ask him how he intends on assuring you this won’t happen again. Feel free to ask him pretty well anything you want. Once you stand up and leave this conversation and there are still nagging questions in your head, they will eat at you forever. And it will be harder to ask him these left over questions at a later time, because an open conversation like this one about this topic will be harder to start and will only reopen the issue. Let’s just get it closed NOW so you’re not wrecking yourself over it any more. Don’t be afraid in expressing EXACTLY how you feel about every aspect of this incident. If he starts blowing it off as a non-issue, blow HIM off as a non-boyfriend.

His assurances and answers to you are going to have to be pretty fucking straight forward and believable. From his hopefully very well orchestrated answers, you will then have to decide in your mind whether you can deal with what has happened. Jet off to a place that you can think, and sort through what he has said, compare to how you have been feeling, and figure out where you are. You may not be able to come to closure on it immediately, but you will at least start getting an understanding of where things are at and heading. From there over the next while it will become clear how you still feel and what to do about it.

Do something soon because this must be the worst way to feel for so long and you just don’t need this on your mind.

That’s Life!

Pregnant Walk Joke Posted October 20th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. “Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Birth Control One Liner Posted October 20th, 2007 in One Liner Jokes

Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.

The Difference One Liner Posted October 18th, 2007 in One Liner Jokes

Q. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

A. 45 lbs.

We bonk 3 to 4 times a day, is this too much? Posted October 18th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Jonathan, 16 from Florida writes…

“I met this girl through a friend on the phone… She moved to PA and that’s far away. She is a really straight girl, doesn’t drink, doesn’t party, and is great. Well, she is 19 which is 3 years older than me and that doesn’t bother my parents, her parents, her, or me. Well we fell madly in love and I went to see her. I loved every second with her so I saw her again. The second time I saw her we started having sex which is really weird cause neither of us were likely to have sex so early and I know its because we love each other.

I was wondering, we have sex like 2-4 times a day and I was wondering if that was too much? But you must consider that we still talk and go out and have fun also. We only see each other for about 4-5 days every month and I know we both love each other. So that’s not too much is it?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Sounds like you’re catching up on lost bonk time each visit. Ask yourself this… Why could it possibly be too much? You like her, the sex is great, I’d say straddle up and go buck wild whenever it feels right for the both of you. Just keep in mind in a situation like this where you only have a hand full of days to play with, you should make sure they are balanced. If its ONLY sex, then you two are pretty well fuck friends. But since you two are really into each other, doing other things, and keep in good contact when your not together, what your doing as far as I’m concerned is PERFECTLY fine. Think about it, you have all this time in between visits building up just thinking about the next time you get to jump her, and when you two finally hook up, BAMN! Welcome to the jungle! Jon, everything is just fine in the quantity department.

That’s Life!

Fabreze Fecal Mist Posted October 17th, 2007 in Scathing Opinion

The makers of Fabreze air freshener (the one people spray in abundance on everything and everywhere instead of actually cleaning anything) have a new line of naturally inspired fragrances. Spray the new Fabreze Fecal Mist in your living room and be instantly transported to your local barn yard, slaughter house or public washroom for an unparelled aromatic experience.

Light up the new Urinal Cake Fabreze candle, close your eyes… and experience the enchanting smell of several drunk, overweight men lined up and pissing with a fury at the urinals of your neighborhood pub during Superbowl halftime. Sources tell me the soon to be released Hint of Asparagus edition will be an overnight smash hit. 

Tooth Pull Joke Posted October 17th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man an injection. “No way… no needles for me! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. “I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating me!”

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. “No objection.” the patient says “I’m fine with pills.”

The Dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet.”

The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer?”

“It doesn’t,” said the Dentist, “but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.”

Premature Ejaculation Joke Posted October 16th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what the problem is. She responds “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.” The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires “Is that true?” The husband replies “Well not exactly, it’s her that suffers not me.”

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