Condom Size Joke Posted September 8th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

Man enters a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, “What size?” to which the man replies, “I’m not exactly sure.” The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, “Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole your erect penis fits into is the correct size of condom for you.” 20 minutes later the man comes back and tells the pharmacist, “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t need the condoms. How much is this board”?

Turtle in the Forest Joke Posted September 8th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

Drunken Surprise Joke Posted September 7th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”. Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Leaning Tower of Toronto Posted September 6th, 2007 in Scathing Opinion

Was watching NBC Nightly News in between the plethora of ads for drugs I should supposedly be taking. One of the headlines was about how Steve Fossett the adventurer was still missing somewhere in the Nevada desert, and how people were searching for him on Google Maps (read: placement ad for Google). Google Maps? I just looked up the address for my 5 year old condo and all the satellite image shows is a hole in the ground where I am sitting right now. Good fucking luck using five year old maps to find a guy missing FOUR DAYS AGO dip sticks. So for shits and giggles I went and checked my buddy’s place, and guess what? He must be living in the Leaning Tower of Toronto, because Google Maps shows his 30 story condo tower toppled over and resting on the building next to it. Calling him confirmed he is still alive and well, pictures still straight on the wall. What a joke.

She’s demanding, but should I move on? Posted September 6th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Dave, 30 from Philadelphia writes…

“Yes, I have been seeing this girl for over a year now and I really have strong feelings for her. I think I love her. I have never told her this because of many reasons. She has 2 little girls that I love and enjoy so much. She has allot of problems I think, she is very irritable at times and always wants things her way. She was also in the Army so she seems to be picky and likes to give orders. We have has lots of fights over really stupid things, most of the time she starts the fight. When we get along I think we get along great and most of the time we all go out her and the kids. One big problem is lately we have not had any time for ourselves. She works retail and doesn’t have many friends so she has only 2 baby sitters. Her family is not close at all. For the last 6 weeks I was watching the kids on the weekends. I was never mad and that has gotten me really close to the kids. I have been asking to take her out alone but she can’t find a baby sitter. She agrees we need time for our selves but I don’t know how much she tries to find one.

Like I was saying we have a lot of silly fights but sometimes I dwell on things way to much. I put to much meaning in every word she says. Christmas Eve that happen and we had a fight I said I guess I should leave. She then told me to leave and we had a fight and she said allot nasty things to me. I was upset and went to her house in the morning and dropped off her kids gifts and left her a note. Latter that day she told me to come over. I said lets talk about this but she said we will do it another day. The next she said she was upset over the way I acted and wanted to not see me every day for a while I was a little upset but I said ok. During that conversation she asked if I could watch the kids again on Friday. I said I would think about it, and told her to call me. That was Tuesday I don’t hear from her again until 10pm Thursday. Since then I was asked to come into work on Friday (I was off but they need me in for a couple of hours). Since I never heard from her I figured she didn’t need me to baby-sit. I was sleeping when she called me on Thursday. She says when am I coming over to watch the kids? I told her I was working. She was mad and hung up on me. The next day were arguing and she tells me she thinks I tried to screw her over. That couldn’t be further from the truth. We hang up. I wait an entire week to talk to her then last Sunday I leave her a message saying Hi and that I miss everybody. She leaves me a message latter in the day saying she “has no desire to speak to me” and wants her house key back and to leave her alone”.

Now I don’t know what to do. I really think she is special we have allot of the same interest and we really have fun together. I have some I am seeing a Dr. because i get depressed sometimes and since I met her I feel great when things are good and down when there not. She is also seeing a counselor sometimes so I think we both have some problems. Part of me says to move on (don’t know if I could) part says try to get her back. I really like her and never felt this way with any other girl.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

You don’t know what to do??? You mean you really want to keep Dave’s Free Babysitting Service in business still? Common Dave, you sound like nothing more than a soft wimp, and that’s why she went out with you because she sounds immature, controlling and manipulative. Those sort of people love partners that are a push over because they can practice those OH SO WONDERFUL control freak traits on them daily and successfully. It sounds like throughout your relationship with her you were either being told what to do; squabbling over little insignificant bullshit stuff with her; or babysitting her offspring. I’m sure that’s not the complete picture and that you did have some good times with her as you briefly mentioned at the end of your consultation, but this negative stuff really overshadows it from the sounds of things.

This crap with her hanging up the phone; putting off discussing important issues with you; waiting till the last moment to call and ask you to baby-sit and then acting like a silly little girl when you have made other plans that you are obligated to; all suck - and I wouldn’t put up with that crap for a second if I were you.

The fact that she “doesn’t want anything to do with you any more” is not only a BIG HINT from her, but is a blessing to you. DAVE, WHAT THE HELL IS SPECIAL ABOUT HER? NOTHING! You didn’t back up that “she’s special” comment with a SINGLE shred of evidence, only complaints. There are probably MILLIONS of people on this planet you could “share interests with”, that just isn’t a special feature about her. Its like saying your car has airbags, whoopee shit.

The only reason why you are still with her is summed up in your last comment, “Don’t know if I could [move on]“. You need to build your self confidence. You not wanting to leave her isn’t due to your love of her, it’s because you are concerned about your ability to meet someone new and you possibly may not want to be alone, from the sound of your consultation. I bet if you move on, you will feel a euphoric feeling of relief, I would. So stand up for yourself and move on Dave, move on…

That’s Life!

How Many Wives Joke Posted September 6th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen.” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. “How do you know that?” The little boy said, “Easy… all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: ‘Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer’.”

Apple Pie One Liner Posted September 5th, 2007 in One Liner Jokes

Q. What is the difference between pussy and apple pie?

A. You can eat your mom’s apple pie.

The Ultimate Farting Guide Posted September 4th, 2007 in All Time Favorites

The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the world’s leading fartology organizations.

1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an “I can’t do it!” frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when it’s release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, “Just let it happen… its ok…”

2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you’re a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you’re partly on your way. If you’re older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbours farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV… Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? It’s about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don’t assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.

3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the body’s ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Let’s travel forth and delve into the world of position and location…

Leg Lift “Elevator” Position

Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side - never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter.

Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus.

Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call.

“Imperial” Throne Position

Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily).

Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart.

Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse the mind and cause “dyer” consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended.

Wal-Mart Fart Position

There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating “brown air” that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume.

Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position.

Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store boxing day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence.

Power Arching

Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the “ass pounding” position you take when getting the quote to have your car’s transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for “customer service” counters at department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit.

Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position.

Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages.

In Conclusion

All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home. Remember, it’s all about position, location and a “can-do” attitude!

Wheelie Bin One Liner Posted September 4th, 2007 in One Liner Jokes

Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?

A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Unusual Events Joke Posted September 4th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. “Papa fell in the well last week - ” he began. “Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. “Is he all right now?” “He must be,” said little Irving. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

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