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Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus? A. At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry? A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
The difference between having Guts and having Balls… Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?” Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next.”
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great,” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?” “Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked. “Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?” “You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.” The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. “There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,” he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.” Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. “That was fantastic,” he panted. “So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked. “I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.” The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.” “I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette.”
“I have dated a guy for about six years. About eight months ago we broke up. I got over him which is something I never thought I could do. We broke up because not only did he cheat on me several times but he also started doing drugs heavily. He has done nothing but lied to me for the past three years. I always stayed with him and I don’t know why. My problem now is about a month ago I was dating a different guy who I was interested in. I talked to my ex (the guy of 6 yrs) for about 6 hours. The new guy found out and got very upset and we stopped seeing each other. The problem is I have continued talking to my ex who now thinks we are back together. I know he has stopped the drugs, but I don’t have the feelings for him that I used to. The only thing is I don’t want to hurt him by telling him I don’t want him back. I have kind of said something like this to him and he got really upset and I felt really bad. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if my heart hurts because I hurt him or if he is who I really do want. We were high school sweethearts and we have so many different goals. Help me I feel like I am losing my mind.”
You’re a real push over, “I don’t want to hurt him”, he didn’t seem to mind hurting you when he went on his cheating spree back when you broke up with him. Why do you give a shit about his feelings now? The fact that he’s your high school sweetheart and he’s done this stuff to you is all the more reason to break up with him. He’s just old crap that needs to be cleared out of the attic. So many different goals? What the hell is that? I would only hope you both have goals in your life, you don’t need someone unreliable like him for that. Ok, now that I got all of that off my chest, lets look at this…. Six years, meaning you started dating this guy when you were, ohhh, 16 or 17. Don’t you have a desire to make change in your life. He obviously didn’t work out, and you broke up with him for a reason, try someone else! It sounds like it probably went on too long. Going back to him now is just a comfort zone thing for you. Its the easy way. That’s the problem with getting back to past relationships, and soon enough, you will realize why you dumped him in the first place. Him cheating on you, why would that change this time around? If he did it the first time, there is truly nothing stopping him this time, no matter what cockamamie sob story he gives you this time about “Ohhh, I realize how wrong it was, and how right we are together, I will never do it again!!!!”. BULLSHIT, he knew exactly how wrong it was when he was doing it the first time. The drugs thing, I know this is a generalization, but what makes you so completely sure he has totally stopped doing it? For that matter, do you really want to be emotionally involved, and together with someone who does drugs AT ALL? The fact that he did drugs doesn’t impress anyone, its pathetic really, and I think you know that. Anyway, it all adds up to… Move on, get a life and enjoy the millions of other men out there that WONT do drugs and cheat on you. That’s Life!
Mississippi, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) –In an effort to cut costs, major airlines are resorting to cutting back even the smallest of items to curb expenditures. One in particular is the removal of barf bags on flights commencing August. “Annual savings are expected to exceed $450,200US”, stated investor relations manager Carol Bauer, “The small percentage who actually use them are increasing ticket prices for the rest.” But outraged motion sickness prone travelers had a less enthusiastic view of the matter. “I guess I will just have to hurl onto the meal tray. Frankly, based on my last flight, I don’t think the Sauteed Pork and vegetable melody will look much different if I did.” said one angry traveler. When the airlines were asked what they expected passengers to do in the event of motion sickness they replied, “Users of our planes who are prone to such sensitivities should bring with them preventative medicines and appropriate containers, we are not operating a flying hospital.”
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains than a cow? A. So when you pull their tits they won’t shit on the floor.
One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn’t have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he’s looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, “Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!” The hooker replies, “Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?”
“I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for six months. We live 20 min away from each other walking distance, but we only see each other once a week because he’s so busy. One of his most attractive qualities is that he’s so ambitious and so driven, but that also means that he’s really into himself, and that I’m of lower priority. I thought that I was ok with this, but this relationship feels so one-sided, because I really like him, but he’s more focused on his career than he is on me. He’s said that more time is not something that he can offer me right now. I think he’s a really amazing person though, and whenever we do hang out I’m really happy. So do I stay with him and get incredibly sad whenever he doesn’t have time for me? Am I not being understanding enough? He’s different from anybody I’ve ever met, so I’m scared that if I break up with him, I’ll never be able to meet someone so unique. What should I do?”
The thing is, this sort of situation can sometimes accompany “attractive qualities” like ambition and drive. He is working hard to accomplish goals in his career and life, and much time is needed to achieve them. It is more a matter of you not “understanding” rather than “being understanding”. With a relationship like this, it is not about “getting incredibly sad whenever he doesn’t have time for me”, its about “I have my own life as well (just like I should) and when he’s doing his stuff, I’m doing mine!”. He is the wrong person to be with if you like relationships you can spend much time with your partner. This is a relationship suited to people where dating is one of many components of their life. You are right, his ambition is an excellent quality, and something that will most likely be part of his whole life. You need to determine if it, and the side effects of it are what you want in a partner. In your consultation you never mentioned what kind of a conversation you have had with him about this, but if you haven’t had a full-on conversation, you definitely should. Talking about “priorities” may be the wrong approach. As far as I’m concerned, someone telling their partner that they have to be the number one priority in their life is wrong. That’s like saying “ignore everything else, I’m all you need”. Which is really bullshit in a situation like this where you are just dating and its been only half a year. Its romantic sure, but the reality is that there needs to be a number of things in ones life that are of top priority. So instead, talk about the fact that you understand he has much on his plate to tackle and that it all takes time, however, you would like to see your relationship flourish and spending time together is important for that. Tell him spending time with him is something you really like, and look forward to. See how he responds to this. You will know from his responses whether “work or you” really has the clear dominance in his life. He was good about being up front and honest when he said he really can’t offer more time in the relationship, now see if this is a long term thing or simply the current situation. Also try and look at it positively. Look at your time apart during the week as time on your own to grow and develop yourself with interests, learning or drive to do something of your own. I’m also sure that the times that you do actually see him are really enjoyable catching up on the time that you haven’t seen him. At least you don’t have to worry about relationship burn out from seeing too much of each other. So talk to him and decide if the outcome of the conversation is what you want. Things may change more in the direction of what you want, or, he may be determined to continue the way things are now. You sound like you really like this guy, so see what you can do to develop your own interests, friends and activities. If it doesn’t work out, then at least you know this sort of relationship simply isn’t suited to you.” That’s Life!
Applying for a home mortgage can be an overwhelming and stressful experience. But with the right knowledge, you can make a tremendous difference to the outcome of your initial mortgage application interview. Follow our proven tips for mastering that ominous interview with the bank and be on your way to home ownership before you know it. Attire - Your usual clothing ensemble of track pants, NASCAR T-shirt and flip-flop sandals are inadequate for such a meeting. Similarly, clothes with vomit, cum, blood and other bodily fluid stains (or that shirt you’re wearing right now with all of these stains) fare poorly during mortgage interviews. For a better alternative, think back to the clothes you wore at the last funeral you went to, except less drab. Find your best shirt and pants, crack open that unused box of detergent in the basement, learn to use your laundry machine and voila, you’re promoted from street puke to a member of the general populous. Body Odours - Profuse sweating is the body’s natural response to situations of being fucked over with 30 pages of mortgage contracts to sign, this is normal. What’s abnormal is just how putrid the body odors emitting from your rank crotch and arm pits are. Wearing deodorant is highly recommended. Breath - The fact that your breath smells like a distillery’s sewer from the several shots of rye earlier this morning is not promising. Then again, neither is the alcohol seeping from your pores from the night before, but there is little you can do about that at this point. While brushing your teeth will help lessen the sharp and distinct cocktail of raw alcohol, garlic bread, onion soup and blue cheese you consumed the night before, you really need to gargle mouth wash one step below “im going to kill myself with industrial solvents”. Personality - Jokes about “Oh, you mean you want me to pay this money back?” or “If you think my ex-wife has a hard time getting alimony, you should see my track record on mortgages! Har dee har har.” are certain death for any hopes of a mortgage. This humor is comparable to the old “There is a bomb in my suitcase” joke at the airport, which ends with equally poor results. Your repertoire of off-colored political, racial and religious jokes are also going to have dire consequences. Think back to your amateur stand up performance with your child’s school enrolment officer, and the subsequent 45 minute bus ride your kid now takes daily to a different school as a result. Language - Your normal slang riddled ebonics ”I’ve just stepped out of a rap freestyle contest” conversations will certainly hurt your chances for a mortgage. Try learning some words greater than four letters in length and forming complete sentences while discussing the mortgage with your bank representative. Intended Use - Your planned use of the property as a grow-op, rave venue, porn shoot locale or arms smuggling depot may best not be discussed during the meeting. Banks sometimes prefer less risky investments. Security - As just mentioned, banks tend to be adverse to risk. So when asked about your other financial commitments and your track record of timely payment, refrain from comments such as “I took them to the cleaners” or “They never saw me coming”. You want to instill a feeling of security in the people whom will be loaning you the money, and such comments may lessen that security. While asking questions is a good thing to do, limit questions such as “What if I don’t feel like paying anymore?” and “Suppose I decided to embrace a more alternative lifestyle half way through?”. Addictions - It may not be an opportune time to disclose your unquenchable additions to gambling, porn and illicit drugs. Limit the discussion about yourself to topics that are deemed by society as desirable traits, if you have any. If not, refrain from talking unless absolutely necessary. In terms of appearance, dozens of track marks up your arms and glazed over eyes with bags under them are red flags. Wear a long sleeve shirt and if possible abstain from blowing your mortgage deposit money at the casino or snorting lines of crack off your coffee table 24 hours prior to the interview. Drug dependants and casino junkies tend to fall into the “high risk” category. With all this useful knowledge under your belt, you’re ready to take on that mortgage interview with confidence and a superb chance of accomplishing your goal. Good luck! |
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Heather, 23 from USA writes…
Dr Thatslife has this to say…
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