Cheated on my fiance at a party, and I don’ regret it! Posted September 30th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Steve, 24 from Canada writes…

“Okay, here goes. Please don’t judge to harshly.

On Saturday night, my friend had a house warming party at his new place. It was a really nice get together with all of the people that helped him move in. He paid for all the booze and supplied us with BBQed hamburgers and hotdogs. All very good, all very innocent. There were things going on though. Under current type things like my fiancés brother (who is actually one of my best dudes for the wedding) and his girlfriend of 5 years, are having some relationship problems. He is having other problems too. Like unemployment problems and some depression issues that he should really be seeing a psychologist for.

For most of the night, once people were well on their way to being fully intoxicated, everyone was trying to console him. Seeing if they could make him feel better by getting him to spill his guts. Apparently he even cried at one point. For some reason most of our parties involve someone crying or someone puking. Always one, but never both. The night progressed. The party moved to one of the bedrooms because they could smoke in there, there was no smoking in the rest of the apartment. So here is the part of the story that gets fucked. . .

4 people all crammed into the smoking room. My best friend, my fiancé’s brother’s girlfriend and I were in the living room. Talking, laughing and getting way too drunk off of gin and spiced rum. Around 2.30 my best friend passes out. The brother’s girlfriend (I’ll call her Sue) and I are left. We exchanged stories about family life, relationships (hers with the brother and mine with my fiancé). Came to the conclusion that her and I are really quite similar. Fine and good. We are both non aggressive people by nature and are easy to get along with most of the time. Things are going just fine. As we talk people are shuffling thru, going to the kitchen to mix more drinks.

This next chapter starts like many others. I was getting very drunk. You have probably drawn your own picture of the next events, but I will fill in the grey areas for you. I will begin by telling you that Sue is a very attractive young woman. She is about 6 feet tall with dirty-red/blonde hair, she is about as big around as my little finger and…well you know.

We started talking about our sex lives, or lack there of. We talked about how we like to have sex, we talked about where we would like to have sex, how hard and how many times we would like to have sex. She told me how tight she was, and I told her how big I was…in the matter of only half an hour our conversation had gone from innocent and fun to kinky and dirty and fun. Somehow I ended up in the same lazy boy recliner as her. Sitting beside her, hand on her knee. (This is the wrong place to break a paragraph, but fuck it).

We continued our sex talk, except the conversation had moved from doing those acts mentioned with our respective partners to doing it with each other. I confessed to her that for the past 3 years I wondered what it would be like to fuck her brains out. She was very interested in finding out as well………..

My Jiminy Cricket spoke up. “What the fuck do you think you are doing you stupid muther fucker. Here you are about to move into a FULLY committed relationship with the woman you love and you are sitting on this little recliner talking about how you want to fuck this chick up the ass while fingering her pussy. You want to throw everything away go right the fuck ahead. But if I were you I get the fuck off of this chair and go have a smoke and relax…by yourself.” My Jiminy Cricket had spoken and I listened to him. I always do.

It was now 4.30. I went for my smoke out on the deck, people emerged from the smoking room and got themselves some more drinks then returned to the room from which they had come. I mixed another drink. I thought about all the shit her and I would get into. I returned to the recliner and talked to her about the possible consequences of a little romp. Then somehow and someway we were kissing. Not little pecks but some very heavy and hearty tonguing. We kissed for about a minute. Then we heard the bedroom door opened, voices filled the hallway and I got my ass up out of that recliner. I headed out the door and had a smoke outside.

It was now about 5 in the morning. Everyone who was in that room returned to it. And I, being led by the dumb-stick, returned to the chair. Fortunately my sister came out and started talking to me. If it wasn’t for that and the fact that my best friend was asleep on the couch something more serious probably would have occurred. 5.15 rolled around and my fiancé finally came to get me saying that she was really tired and that it was time to go. She never questioned why Sue and I were sitting in the same chair together because I never used to like Sue, mainly because my fiancé doesn’t ( that’s a whole other story though).

Sunday all I could think about was getting in shit for that kiss the night before. I don’t feel bad about kissing her. What I feel bad about and the only thing that kept me from going further with her was the consequences. The shit that would be disturbed would be huge. It would kill my fiancé, she would break up with me….blah blah blah. I don’t feel guilt, I am curious. Temptation was there and I only resisted a little. That’s the end of my story for now. I should know better than to do shit within the family like this… I always though that if I was ever to get into an affair that would be smart enough to not get caught. To not make out with someone who is in my family circle for one thing. To keep her at a distance from everyone I knew. This is the exact opposite of that. Very dumb. Very stupid, but it was nice. I am wondering if this was telling me if I m not ready to get married, maybe I’m panicking. help.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Its such a strange situation isn’t it… One voice is leading you back to the magic chair over and over again for more boot knockin’. The other is yelling “HEY FUCK HEAD…. Remember, you have a fiancé!” Both with their own pull that drag you one way one minute, and another the next. You can’t blame what happened on her, the alcohol, the party, nothing except you. The fact that you had little regret about it and the only thing you were really genuinely concerned about after the fact was the possibility of her nagging you out says a lot.

Lets look at what happened… You obviously don’t want a relationship with the chair girl. Mainly because she isn’t going to give you that. She sounds like fun for sure, but she represents no level of stability, loving, care or anything except animal sex in your mind, right? So, figure out whether you did it because you are nervous about the whole marriage thing, or you really are trying to get some extra goodies on the side.

Being nervous about the marriage could possibly lead you to be looking around frantically at your last moments of ringless freedom (errr) I mean single status, causing you to do stupid shit like this. It really is a bad move, because you are hurting someone that you are intending to spend your life with and supposedly love. Ask yourself if you will be strong enough to resist the next time a girl with her legs open for you comes your way. If you’re unsure, you should also be very unsure about continuing the marriage.

You trying to get some good times on the side, basically means your a fucking asshole and you’re not ready for a marriage commitment. As you pointed out, you are being led by Mr Happy Man, call off this wedding and get your friggin’ act together. You need to get back to this relationship when you have all this playing around crap out of your system. At 24 you may not be mentally ready to kiss your final set of lips. You need to realise that life is filled with temptations like the chair girl at every corner. Are you ready to turn them down? If you’re not, marriage isn’t for you. Remind yourself what the definition of a marriage is and if what you’re doing falls in line with that.

Both point out a lack of self control, and raises the question of whether this character trait of yours is really going to change or not. Marriage jitters is basically an excuse for poor conduct, getting good times on the side is acknowledging poor conduct. If this was just a girlfriend and you we’re only dating her, you would still be a genuine prick, her being your fiancé just makes this a whole lot more gross. Think of how you felt when she came to pick your dumb ass up from that very party. That will give you some insight as to how much you really care about her and how wrong a marriage would be. Your lack of concern about her feelings, and only a fear of the disciplinary repercussions of what you did show you don’t care about her and marriage really is a bad idea.

You have a lot of thinking to do. For her sake, if you’re not going to be honest with her, pull out of the marriage. It is something that is supposed to symbolize (among many other important things) honesty between two people.

That’s Life!

Restaurant Quarrel Joke Posted September 28th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!”

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man’s table and says, “Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!”

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, “Go ahead!”

Alcoholic Text Message Posted September 28th, 2007 in Scathing Opinion

I was pretty sure my buddy had a drinking problem, but this text message he sent me before a party at a friend’s cottage pretty much sealed the deal. Honestly, the message is just barely coherent, but boy is it funny…

“GOD DAMN IT – I WILL BE STUNNINGLY UPSET IF YOU ARE NOT PROJECTILE VOMITING OFF THE PORCH TONIGHT OR AT THE VERY LEAST GARGLING ON YOUR OWN BILE AND PUKE WITH BARF BITS DRIBBLING DOWN YOUR SHIRT SLURRING YOUR VOICE SAYING “IMMMM A N A CLOHOLIC FAND GDKLGDFLKJ GOO GOO GAAA GAA.” THAT’S RIGHT… YOU ARE GOING TO BE WRETCHEDLY WASTED BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MOVE YOUR ARMS AND LEGS WITHOUT CONVULSING. WHY! WHY ARE THE POLICE AT MY DOOR TOM??? I DON’T NEED THIS! WE’RE ALL GOING TO HELL – OH HOLD ON, MR DANIELS AND HIS WIFE TANQUERAY ARE ON THE PHONE, UH WHAT? SURE COME OVER FOR A DRINK YOU LITTLE SHITS, MY FRIEND TOM IS OVER IN THE BUSHES BUSY REGURGITATING HIS STOMACH ONTO THE SAND. OH MY GOD!”

Dead Wife One Liner Posted September 27th, 2007 in One Liner Jokes

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?

A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

My husband chats online behind locked doors! Posted September 27th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Theresa, 42 from Radcliff writes…

“My husband and I have been married 5 1/2 years. The first 18 months were great, then he discovered “hot chat” on a local BBS. Suddenly the computer room door was locked, he had no interest in having sex with me, (unless he’d been chatting) etc. It’s gotten a lot worse since we went on the Net. I came home from work one morning and the video cam was set up pointing towards his crotch area and he’d been on ICUII. He says he didn’t do anything but I’ve caught him in so many lies that I find that hard to believe. Is there any chance of salvaging this marriage or would I be better off just cutting my losses and moving on?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

You mean to say you have been dealing with this crap for the past four years? If it was something that just started recently I would say talk him through it, but this is fucking ridiculous!

I am unsure of the actual amount of time he spends doing all of this, but I am assuming an excessive amount. If true, in combination with the fact he no longer desires sex with you and the length of time, it has gone from an interest to an unhealthy addiction. He is not alone. There are many people all over the world who have become chat room junkies and it can be a serious problem, not to be taken lightly. There isn’t anything particularly wrong with chatting with real world or online friends in these chat rooms. For many, its a great way to communicate with people. It is when it gets to levels like this that it’s a problem.

You haven’t made it clear to me what you have done so far. If you haven’t had a SERIOUS talk with him about this, you are turning a blind eye to this obsession. You need to sit down with him and explain that this behaviour of chatting with other people (women or not) behind locked doors, the excuses, lack of sexual interest in you and strange behaviour concerns you greatly.

You will gain great insight into what he thinks of you, and the relationship by his responses. If this is something that is truly troubling you, and he basically blows your concerns off and keeps doing it, its time to talk to him about where this relationship is going. You have to ask yourself why are you really sticking around for this guy if he isn’t showing any interest in anything excepting chatting online? Surely that doesn’t equal a fulfilling relationship for you. For that matter, heck, ask HIM why you should stick around if that’s all he ever does?! Right? I mean, shit, wouldn’t it be interesting to know what he thinks you should be doing or thinking while he goes off to cyber land each night streaming videos of himself wanking off to some online slut?

You could try a number of other things which could all result in different levels of success and failure. Like yanking the cord out of the wall or tempting him when he’s chatting by suggesting other things to do, and on and on. But why bother doing all that kind of stuff? You’re really just distracting him from what he really wants to do. Unless you really truly haven’t made an effort to do things with him together, and this is his way of dealing with it and creating his own life (not that its any excuse to be possibly committing online adultery). I simply don’t know the details of your life like you do.

In closing, I would say at any rate its major discussion with the hubbie time. If he listens that’s great, if not, you need to openly discuss where your future is going.

That’s Life!

Bad Conversation Starters Posted September 26th, 2007 in All Time Favorites

Running out of things to say with your woman? You’ll want to shy away from these fiery topics like the plague. Unless of course you don’t care any more and have a morbid curiosity as to how you could instantly sour a conversation and relationship with your girlfriend or wife. These five sure-fire conversation starters will have your face slapped faster than you can say ‘feminism’.

“You look and act just like your mother.” - Nothing is more terrifying to a woman than the prospect of being exactly like their scatter brained, sagging and difficult to cope with mother. Unleash the beast in her by further elaborating on all the different mannerisms that are ‘totally identical’ to her mother.

“Women’s rights have gone too far.” - Even if she isn’t a feminist, this one is always a whirlwind topic. “The glass ceiling should really be the steel barred ceiling so a woman knows her place in society.” comment is an instant train wreck conversation. For the bonus round, mention women’s rights have gone too far at home as well and any reference to kitchen appliances and bare feet will really stir the pot with flying colors!

“Marriage is a barbaric institution.” - For all those women dreaming of that walk down the isle, and that day ‘just for her’, you have snapped that concept in the neck and left it for dead. It’s like when you were young and your father told you that being a comic book writer was a pipe dream… regardless of whether it was or not, you were pissed to hear about it.

“How come both your parents are thin but you aren’t?” - The fact that you have so blatantly stated the obvious about her ever amassing weight, and narrowed it down to her own doing in a single sentence has such an awe inspiring precision to it. After she has taken a moment to gather her thoughts, she will commence a torrent of deficiencies she believes you have. Always educational!

“The Bare Naked Ladies is stupefyingly annoying music.” - Then when you spill the beans that essentially all of her girly music is dumb and nonsensical, you have essentially declared war. Her feeble rebuttal will be limited to, surprisingly enough, your musical taste and most likely extend into your movie, video game and every other thing you listen, watch or wank off to.

Enjoy, and watch your relationship deplete right before your eyes!

Virgin Wool One Liner Posted September 26th, 2007 in One Liner Jokes

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?

A. Ugly sheep.

Deep Mourning Joke Posted September 26th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

The Locket Joke Posted September 25th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”

Old Timer Sex Joke Posted September 24th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, “I can’t do this, I have acute angina”.

The old guy says “God, I hope so, you’ve got the ugliest tits I’ve ever seen.”

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