Wisdom Teeth Joke Posted August 16th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars,” the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?” “Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.” Looking annoyed the man says, “That’s still too expensive!” “Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.” “Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.” “Well,” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.” “Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”

Revenge Of The Gambler Joke Posted August 16th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?” “What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabby replied “fifteen bucks.” The businessman said “ok” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

World’s Cheapest Tip Posted August 16th, 2007 in Broken News

Arkansas, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) – An Arkansas primary school teacher has been declared the worlds cheapest tipper after ordering more than $250 worth of food and drinks for his wife and self and leaving a 5 rupee tip. Rupee, an Indian currency, is worth approximately 0.02 of an American dollar. When questioned, the man replied, “I had just returned from a trip to India and I had mistaken the coins for more valuable American currency.” Relaying this to the offended waitress she responded, “His excuse is weak, since when would you be cracking out foreign coins (that do not even resemble American money) as a tip for a $250 dollar dinner? There is no way with a bill like that you would use coins to tip at the customary 10%-15%, and even tipping at something like 3% would still need bills. His tip wasn’t even a percent!”

He thinks relationship is moving too fast! Posted August 15th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Melissa, 30 from America writes…

“Ok I have been seeing this guy for about a year and a half. In a nutshell, whenever things start to move forward (such as maybe I suggest we go away for a weekend), he “freaks” and says they are moving too fast, we need to slow down etc etc… Then it slowly evolves again and the cycle continues. This has occurred twice now. I love him, and do not know if I am wasting my time and should let him go? We otherwise have a good relationship? We have awesome sex, go to dinner, movies, parties, I spend the night at his place or he at mine, have gone to some family things etc. We talk on the phone several times a week and confide in each other about our problems and support each other. Also, I have asked him if he wants to see other people (when this issue came up) and he got mad and said no it was nothing to do with that? His longest relationship before me was only for 6 months (he is 33) and it was some time ago. Sometimes I wonder if I am just wasting my time, or if I am expecting too much? I would love to hear your thoughts on this?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

I don’t think you are asking for too much at all. You two have been going out for over a year, one would only assume that you would want to make plans for a weekend get-a-way of some sort.

Maybe it is how you are approaching it. There is nothing particularly “moving forward” by going on a weekend get-a-way, really. Friends can do that too. You may be wrapping this up in a package that sounds to him, more like moving forward. When really you should be treating it like what it is, you are simply going on a short trip. So change your wording so that it doesn’t sound like its a “moving forward” thing.

Looking at it a bit deeper, your consultation wording sounds like you want more commitment or you want this to be an indicator that there is more commitment. However your man sounds like he is somewhat scared of commitment. Examples of that are his inability to hold a relationship for more than half a year (about the time relationships begin to determine whether to get more serious or not), and him freaking out about the trip idea. Now in all fairness, he may not have had a lot of relationships, and they just didn’t happen to last longer than 6 months, for whatever reason. Maybe there was something that happened in the past relating to a trip he had with a previous relationship that didn’t go too well? Who knows!

His response, and your observances could have something to do with the fact that you are both not on the same page of the book. Evaluate what you want out of this relationship now, and down the road. Have a talk with him, you may find you two are on a completely separate page. Him just going with the flow and enjoying hanging out with you, and you trying to figure out how to “move it forward”. Don’t get me wrong, he may really be into you and want this relationship to go far, you two sound like you have a great time together. The fact that you two are a year and a half into things is a good sign. It’s just that guys can really hate the whole commitment thing if they feel being pushed into it. If its their idea its just fine, but if there is a level of stress pushing them into commitment (i.e. constant subtle or not so subtle suggestions from their partner, the partners parents and relatives about marriage, kids, minivan, white picket fence around 3 bedroom 2 car garage house in the suburbs, Family Channel subscription etc) some will go running for the hills. They can literally feel the wedding band on their finger. So try getting a better understanding of where both of you two are in the relationship and then you will better know how to approach the trip situation.

That’s Life!

Publisher Releases Guide to Kicking Cats Posted August 14th, 2007 in Broken News

Tennesse, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) – A new 45 page color instructional book entitled “Kicking Cats” guides men through the process of kicking cats down flights of stairs without repercussions from their spouse or girlfriend. “It isn’t as easy as you would think to successfully do and get away with”, comments author John Moore. “I was caught numerous times by my girlfriends and eventually became determined to develop a fail-proof process. This book represents years of studying, practicing, research and an estimated 150 test cats. At first I was somewhat alarmed by my dislike for cats, when considering how much my girlfriends and ex-wife adored them. But after talking to scores of other men about my pent up feelings of anger towards cats, I realized I was far from alone. That is why the introduction goes into great detail about the history of cat kicking and some of the current theories on men’s hatred of cats. The secret to a successful kick is to first befriend the cat, building its trust in you. It is when the cat is truly relaxed and comfortable around you that you can then angle it towards the stair case for a mighty punt.”

Biggest Blind Date Turn-Off Posted August 14th, 2007 in Insane Online Polls

You’ve been giddy with excitement about an upcoming blind date your oh-so-willing “friend” set you up with. Little do you know, the sub-human barn animal heifer you’re about to meet will have you blowing boulder sized chunks. You meet her, and the real question is, which thing strikes you the hardest?

Grass Class Joke Posted August 12th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then.” the man from the limousine said excitedly. “But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with us too!” he said to the other man. “But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered. “Bring them as well!” So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The rich man replied, “No, thank you… the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!”

He’s placing the home business before family! Posted August 12th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Lynn, 25 from Bayonne writes…

“I’ve been with my boyfriend, Frank, for 7 years. We have a wedding date set for this September, everything is just about finalized. We also have a 3 year old son. First off, let me say what he does right. Frank is a great dad, when he’s around. Frank’s father passed away when he was very young and his mother is pretty screwy so I think he’s doing pretty well for not having a stable childhood. We also have an awesome sex life, and when we are getting along, things between us are really good. The problem is we fight like mad. Frank turns everything to me, everything is my fault, even when it clearly is not. His priorities are very messed up. He’s starting his own business that takes up his time 24/ 7. When he’s home, he’s on the computer plugging this business, when we talk, its my opinions on this business, I can’t stand it. Today is our son’s birthday and he’s away for the weekend and sees nothing wrong with not being here because our son’s b-day party is next week and he’s away doing things for this business, which he insists will be the only way for him to ever make something of himself ~ he is not unemployed, he does have a normal, full time job. I also had tests done on my heart yesterday because my blood pressure is through the roof, he knew I was very nervous about these tests and he didn’t even call to see how they went. I don’t trust him because 3 years ago, I caught him talking to a girl online, I talked to her and she said that he asked her out to dinner, I stopped it before anything came of it. He said that he realized what he would of lost then and promised nothing would ever happen again. I want to believe that, but I cannot throw my trust into him anymore. I have this uncontrollable dislike for him because of his lack of respect for this family. Please help, I’m at my wits end.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Marriage in September eh? It doesn’t sound like we have a man to be the groom yet. Not being there for his little sons birthday is lame, not calling when you have important health issues is also, lame. They are symptoms of his lifestyle. The fights you are having could have something to do with the stress and anxiety associated with the amount of work he is most likely involved in. Juggling a daytime job and a thing on the side is a hard way to live. Work time is supposed to be work time, home time is supposed to be home time.

However him flipping fault around to you all the time sounds more to do with his character. Make sure he backs up his accusations with strong evidence, it is easy for people to say, “You ALWAYS do this”, or, “How come you NEVER do that”. Get him to give you proof. And if there is an ALWAYS or NEVER in his wording, get him to give you the number of examples needed to back up that quantity. This can sometimes defuse their exaggerations or allegations of your sole responsibility, because it forces them to realize it hasn’t happened as much, or that you aren’t actually at fault or may only share in the fault. In any case, fighting all the time is such a colossal waste of time, it is something you need to make sure is going to change, BEFORE marriage.

The invitation for dinner he made to that woman years ago could have been a once off thing. Unless you have some sort of evidence of a similar situation or strange behavior indicative of “fooling around” that has popped up in the 3 years since, I would focus more on the rest of the relationship.

It sounds like more than anything, he is so absorbed with this home business that everything else is starting to crumble around him. Look at it from his point of view… Anyone trying to get a home business going knows the enormous time commitment required. You have to realize he is literally thinking 24/7 about what he can do to build it, promote it and sell, sell, sell. He is trying to accomplish things companies hire numerous people to do. The marketing guy, development guy, finance guy, all rolled into Frank! Unfortunately at the cost of other things that would normally be occupying that time or thought cycle, example the family. You need to ask him where he sees the marriage going at this rate… “To me it feels as though your business is your first priority, it is all you do and talk about, and it bothers me. How is it expected to have a functional marriage and family like this? Basically, where does marriage fit into your life and what can you tell me that will say I am marrying a person who cares about the welfare of the family above all else? Because your actions right now don’t instill faith in that concept.”

Now pick your own wording for what I just wrote based on the whole picture (as I only know what you wrote in your consultation). Make sure you have his undivided attention, and that you are in an environment that fosters an open discussion. It should be interesting to hear what he has to say. It may well be he has good intentions with the family. It is just that he has lost focus because of the business and needs to be put back on track. On the other hand, he may reveal to you through his responses that the business is his primary focus. Keep in mind your objective is not to eliminate the home business, only to seek a better balance - the fact that he is ambitious and has such goals is a good thing and ultimately is going to support the family financially in a positive way.

But until you have a firm commitment from him and him DEMONSTRATING improved commitment to you and your son, marriage should not be on the agenda for September.

That’s Life!

Official CNN Drinking Game Posted August 9th, 2007 in All Time Favorites

This drinking game, unlike others, is guaranteed to get you absolutely and completely shit faced drunk in well under an hour, so you can be on your way to projectile vomiting long before the night is over. So gather your alcoholic friends around the idiot box, because it’s time to finally get up to date with world events and get fucking plastered at the same time, its the Official CNN Drinking Game! Yay!

Game Objective

To binge drink yourself until you’re either retching up tacos in the back yard; on a operating table having your stomach pumped; or unconscious on the bathroom floor being sleep fucked by your best friend.

How to Play

Number of Players
2 to 10 - having more than 10 puts a strain on the local ambulance supply.

Items Needed
One pair of dice; kegs of beer; plenty’o'booze; 1 mickie of rum.

How To Play
Tune into CNN (no, I don’t know what bloody channel it is!). Each time you hear or see one of the keywords listed below in the Game Table, slam the corresponding amount and type of alcohol down your pie hole. The first one convulsing on the floor with flailing arms and legs, wins!

Game Table - What The Fuck Is That?
The “If you hear…” column means any time you hear an announcer, news person, an interviewer or interviewee saying the keyword. “If you read…” means any time you see the keyword on that annoying ticker at the bottom the screen, in a title or elsewhere on the screen during a news broadcast.

Qualifying Beverages
“Booze” refers to gin, vodka, Bacardi, bourbon, rum, no pantie waist coolers or ciders. “Beer” refers to real beer that is 4.5% or above. “Skull” is defined as to complete a full standard sized container or glass of beer or booze. “Swig” is a large gulp of a drink. “Sip” is defined as the typical amount you would drink each time you are usually taking a hit of booze, “nursing it sips” are not permitted.

Disqualification
Players who dribble beer out the sides of their mouth pieces when skulling are disqualified. Any attempts to water down or lessen the alcoholic content of a shot or beer is deemed a gaylord for all of eternity and that player is definitely disqualified.

Bonus Play
If you hear any three or more keywords in a single sentence (example “Members of the Iraq terrorist regime have assembled weapons of mass destruction aimed at Paris Hilton’s estate.”) means all players must role a pair of dice once; player with highest number must skull that mickie of rum you were wondering about. Can someone say “trashed beyond recognition?” Ouch!

Disputes
If any two or more players are caught bitching about who drank what and how and it’s unfounded, they both have to man up and skull a beer. We’re all here for the common goal of getting wasted, not to bicker like a bunch of clucking hens. Grow up and drink god damn it.

Game Table

Blind Travels Joke Posted August 8th, 2007 in Dirty Jokes

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. “Help! Help!” The tower came back and asked, “What’s the problem?” The blind guy yelled, “Help me! I’m blind… the pilot is dead, and we’re flying upside down!” The tower comes back and asked, “How do you know you’re upside down?” “Because the shit is running down my back!”

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