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Twisted Humor

Our bucket of sick and twisted humor is brimming with crap that will earn a special place in your heart. Think of it less as humor and more as a plea for a mental health evaluation. Because when we say twisted humor, we really mean majorly depraved.


Twisted Humor

True Meanings

Posted February 6th, 2012 at 3:02 am in Twisted Humor

Statement: “I’m a Romantic.”
True Meaning: “I’m poor.”

Statement: “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
True Meaning: “You’re the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

Statement: “I really want to get to know you better.”
True Meaning: “So I can tell my friends about it.”

Statement: “She’s kinda cute.”
True Meaning: “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

Statement: “I don’t know if I like her.”
True Meaning: “She won’t sleep with me.”

Statement: “Was it good for you?”
True Meaning: “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

Statement: “I had a wonderful time last night.”
True Meaning: “Who are you?”

Statement: “Do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something stupid and you’re likely to find out.”

Statement: “How much do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

Statement: “I have something to tell you.”
True Meaning: “Get tested.”

Statement: “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
True Meaning: “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

Statement: “I think we should just be friends.”
True Meaning: “Frankly, you’re ugly.”

Statement: “I’ve learned a lot from you.”
True Meaning: “Next!!!”

Statement: “I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?”
True Meaning: “I need to turn on my answering machine.”



Twisted Humor

Pregnancy and Childbirth Advice

Posted October 25th, 2010 at 6:32 am in Twisted Humor

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after finishing high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife act normal again?
A. When your child is in college.



Twisted Humor

Beer Troubleshooting

Posted October 18th, 2010 at 9:52 am in Twisted Humor

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.



Twisted Humor

Best Comebacks Ever

Posted September 29th, 2010 at 9:11 am in Twisted Humor

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Perhaps. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not Enter”

Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized.”

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?



Twisted Humor

About My Wife

Posted July 13th, 2010 at 8:58 am in Twisted Humor

My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.



Twisted Humor

My Prick Is So Big

Posted February 17th, 2010 at 1:07 pm in Twisted Humor

My prick is so big…

There’s still snow on it in the summertime.

I have to call it Mr. Prick in front of company.

It won’t return Spielberg’s calls.

It has an elevator and a lobby.

It has casters.

There was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Prick.

It lives next door.

I entered it in a big-prick contest and it came in first, second, and third.

It has a three-picture deal.

No matter where I go, my prick always gets there first.

I’d wear it as a tie if I wasn’t so afraid of getting a hard-on and killing myself.

A homeless family lives underneath it.

It takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me off.

They use the bullet train to test my condoms.

It has investors.

I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings.

That we’re all a part of it, and it’s all a part of us.

It has its own dick. And even my prick’s prick is bigger than your prick.

It only does one show a night.

That right now it’s in the other room fixing us drinks.

It only tips with hundreds.

It only comes into work when it feels like it.

Movie theatres now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Prick.



Twisted Humor

When Someone’s Fly Is Open

Posted December 21st, 2009 at 12:19 pm in Twisted Humor

Subtle ways of letting someone know their fly is open…

The cucumber has left the salad.

I can see the gun of Navarone.

Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

You’ve got Windows in your laptop.

Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.

Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.

Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…

You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

Dr. Kimble has escaped!

You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.

Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…

You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.



Twisted Humor

The Many Types of Orgasms

Posted December 11th, 2009 at 1:56 pm in Twisted Humor

Sex in a boat = oar-gasms
Sex with a nerd = dork-gasms
Sex with a dermatologist = pore-gasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = door-gasms
Sex on carpet or linoleum = floor-gasms
Sex at the supermarket = store-gasms
Sex with a prostitute = whore-gasms
Sex with an accountant = bore-gasms
Sex while sleeping = snore-gasms
Sex with a salesmen = door-to-doorgasms
Sex with a virgin = my-hymen-got-torgasms
Sex while broke = poor-gasms
Sex that wasn’t very satisfying = ‘There’s the door’-gasms
Sex with a lion = roar-gasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = sore-gasms
Sex on a golf course = fore-gasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = more-gasms
Sex in a gold mine = ore-gasms
Sex on the beach = shore-gasms
Sex in Asia = Singapore-gasms
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can = odor-gasms
Sex on the way to the train = ‘All Aboard’-gasms
Sex with someone who’s not paying attention = ignore-gasms
Sex with a competitive partner = score-gasms
Sex while flying = soar-gasms
Sex while travelling = tour-gasms
Sex on stairs at the mall = escalator-gasms
Sex with three of your friends = four-gasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = liquor-gasms
Sex during hay fever season = spore-gasms
Sex on farm implements = tractor-gasms
Sex without a climax = no-gasms



Twisted Humor

Ways Women Fail In Bed

Posted June 15th, 2009 at 1:36 pm in Twisted Humor

Milking It – When stroking a guy’s dick don’t grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don’t use the love sword as if it’s a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

Robots - When sucking a guy’s dick don’t just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It’s a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

Silent Fright – If you’ve come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he’s done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

No Laughing Matter - Don’t laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, “I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion.” Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you’ve got a guy who can speak in whole sentences.

Closing Up - If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don’t close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases – but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

Poor Presentation - Presentation is all important. Don’t wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

Hanging Around - When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

Being Shy - Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

Being a Drip - You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

Clock-Watching - Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: “Are you going to come soon.” If you’re doing a blowie, you’d have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he’s shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

Fishing for Compliments – Don’t ask him if you’re the best lover he’s ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don’t ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

Playing Dead – Don’t just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don’t mind that and we’re blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

Being Possessive - If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don’t sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he’s a real man he’s probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

Not Keeping Your Hair On - Don’t shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

Spitting It Out – When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like “I love it when you come in my mouth” makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

Being Ungrateful - Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you – especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man’s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman’s so it is always nice when one’s prowess is appreciated.

Seeking Favors – Never contemplate taking advantage of your man’s warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, “Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?” There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain – prostitution.



Twisted Humor

Mommy Mommy Humor

Posted May 27th, 2009 at 8:12 am in Twisted Humor

Mommy, Mommy… Grandma’s got a bruise!
Shut up and eat around it!

Mommy, Mommy… Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up or you’ll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy… That really hurt!
Shut up and crawl back up the stairs again.

Mommy, Mommy… My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy… Where did your scabs go?
Shut up and eat your corn flakes!

Mommy, Mommy… What’s an orgasm?
I don’t know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy… What’s a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!

Mommy, Mommy… I’m getting dizzy.
Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot down!

Mommy, Mommy… Daddy puked again!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy…  I don’t wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy… I hate Daddy’s guts.
Shut up kid and keep eating.

Mommy, Mommy… Why am I so ugly?
Shut up and finish combing your face.

Mommy, Mommy… Daddy’s running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

Mommy, Mommy… What’s for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy… What’s a lesbian?
Go ask your father, she’ll know.

Mommy, Mommy… I hate tomato soup!
Shut up son, we only have it once a month!

Mommy, Mommy… Sally won’t come skipping with me.
Don’t be cruel, you know it makes her stumps bleed.

Mommy, Mommy… I don’t want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy… Can I wear a bra now that I’m 16?
Shut up, Albert.

Mommy, Mommy… Why is everybody running?
Shut up and reload.





 


Text Messages

 
Ronald (Sep 10):

My specialties include lollygagging, mouth breathing and shitting the bed.



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