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Twisted HumorOur bucket of sick and twisted humor is brimming with crap that will earn a special place in your heart. Think of it less as humor and more as a plea for a mental health evaluation. Because when we say twisted humor, we really mean majorly depraved.
My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My other wife is beautiful. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
My prick is so big… There’s still snow on it in the summertime. I have to call it Mr. Prick in front of company. It won’t return Spielberg’s calls. It has an elevator and a lobby. It has casters. There was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Prick. It lives next door. I entered it in a big-prick contest and it came in first, second, and third. It has a three-picture deal. No matter where I go, my prick always gets there first. I’d wear it as a tie if I wasn’t so afraid of getting a hard-on and killing myself. A homeless family lives underneath it. It takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me off. They use the bullet train to test my condoms. It has investors. I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings. That we’re all a part of it, and it’s all a part of us. It has its own dick. And even my prick’s prick is bigger than your prick. It only does one show a night. That right now it’s in the other room fixing us drinks. It only tips with hundreds. It only comes into work when it feels like it. Movie theatres now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Prick.
Subtle ways of letting someone know their fly is open… The cucumber has left the salad. I can see the gun of Navarone. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. You’ve got Windows in your laptop. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson… You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! The Buick is not all the way in the garage. Dr. Kimble has escaped! You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction… You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it? I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
Sex in a boat = oar-gasms
Milking It – When stroking a guy’s dick don’t grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don’t use the love sword as if it’s a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down. Robots - When sucking a guy’s dick don’t just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It’s a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle. Silent Fright – If you’ve come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he’s done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. No Laughing Matter - Don’t laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, “I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion.” Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you’ve got a guy who can speak in whole sentences. Closing Up - If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don’t close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases – but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness. Poor Presentation - Presentation is all important. Don’t wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it. Hanging Around - When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done. Being Shy - Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away. Being a Drip - You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything. Clock-Watching - Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: “Are you going to come soon.” If you’re doing a blowie, you’d have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he’s shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings. Fishing for Compliments – Don’t ask him if you’re the best lover he’s ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don’t ask a man to lie about such an important thing. Playing Dead – Don’t just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don’t mind that and we’re blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation. Being Possessive - If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don’t sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he’s a real man he’s probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy. Not Keeping Your Hair On - Don’t shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging. Spitting It Out – When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like “I love it when you come in my mouth” makes for a happy finale to fun and games. Being Ungrateful - Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you – especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man’s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman’s so it is always nice when one’s prowess is appreciated. Seeking Favors – Never contemplate taking advantage of your man’s warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, “Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?” There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain – prostitution.
Mommy, Mommy… Grandma’s got a bruise! Mommy, Mommy… Why are we pushing the car off the cliff? Mommy, Mommy… That really hurt! Mommy, Mommy… My head hurts! Mommy, Mommy… Where did your scabs go? Mommy, Mommy… What’s an orgasm? Mommy, Mommy… What’s a nymphomaniac? Mommy, Mommy… I’m getting dizzy. Mommy, Mommy… Daddy puked again! Mommy, Mommy… I don’t wanna visit grandma! Mommy, Mommy… I hate Daddy’s guts. Mommy, Mommy… Why am I so ugly? Mommy, Mommy… Daddy’s running down the street! Mommy, Mommy… What’s for dinner? Mommy, Mommy… What’s a lesbian? Mommy, Mommy… I hate tomato soup! Mommy, Mommy… Sally won’t come skipping with me. Mommy, Mommy… I don’t want to see Niagara falls! Mommy, Mommy… Can I wear a bra now that I’m 16? Mommy, Mommy… Why is everybody running?
There are essentially four kinds of sex … HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”. COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
You most likely flunked sex education if you thought… A clitoris is a type of flower. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. “Spread eagle” is an extinct bird. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. A G-string is part of a fiddle. Semen is a term for sailors. Anus is a Latin term for sailors. Testicles are found on an octopus. Asphalt describes rectal problems. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish. Coitus is a musical instrument. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. A condom is a large apartment complex. An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. An erection is when Japanese people vote. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass. Pornography is the business of making records. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. Douche is the French word for “two”. |
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