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Scathing Opinion

Opinion from a guy that intensely hates everyone and everything around him. Sounds a tad bit grouchy and bitter? Wrong, he’s world class pissed and the most disgruntled fuck you’ve ever met. He’s going to end up hurting someone or himself. Honestly, I think he’s sick?


Scathing Opinion

Gas Points Card Bamboozle

Posted October 12th, 2011 at 9:43 am in Scathing Opinion

We all get sucker punched into some sort of points or loyalty scheme at one point or another, but by far the biggest con job has to be gas station reward programs. Basically, become their mouth breathing degenerate lemming for the rest of your life and they’ll throw you scraps and crumbs, take the case of this DAZZLING new promotion at Petro-Canada…

The Alleged “Deal”

Get the Petro-Canada FUEL SAVINGS REWARD CARD that entitles you to a face smashing savings of 5 cents a litre off your gas purchases.

The Cold Hard Facts

When you fill up your gas tank at a Petro-Canada station, you get 5 points for every litre of regular gas. It takes 15,000 points (fifteen thoooouuuuusand points) to get the FUEL SAVINGS REWARD CARD.

Let’s Churn The Numbers

If the typical car has a 60 litre tank, and it costs $1.20 per litre of regular gas, then you’d need to fill every bloody drop of your tank, 50 fucking times, at a grand total of $3,600 to get the magical awe inspiring FUEL SAVINGS CARD.

The Puke Inducing Reality

Here’s the catch, once the FUEL SAVINGS CARD graces your wallet, you only get that 5 cent discount for 200 litres of gas. So for all that patronage and pulling that rewards card out of your ass at every fill up all spring, summer, fall and winter long, you save a whopping eye bulging total of $10, yes TEN FUCKING DOLLARS. That’s it my friends.

After you plow through that in about, oh two weeks tops, you can munch ass again and cough up another $2,800 worth of gas to renew this ridiculous clown card for another measly 200 litres of 5 cent discounts.

So the next time you think about cluttering your wallet with life dissolving reward cards like this one, do the math.



Scathing Opinion

BP Twitter Feed

Posted June 3rd, 2010 at 8:56 am in Scathing Opinion

Under water robots lowering over-sized Mexican sombrero onto leak.
8:56 AM June 3rd via web

Bubble gum not holding, switching to Big League Chew.
11:29 AM May 26th via web

MacGyver on scene – was given paper clip, drinking straw and sparkle glue. Leak should be fixed shortly.
8:20 PM May 21th via web

Left message at Roto-Rooter emergency hot line, waiting for call back.
4:17 PM May 20th via web

Ultra absorbent tampon not holding leak, pulling string and re-strategizing.
12:29 PM May 18th via web



Scathing Opinion

Pizza Order From Hell

Posted May 15th, 2009 at 5:45 am in Scathing Opinion

An overheard conversation at a local pizza store, keeping in mind there are about a dozen people waiting in-line behind this guy and it’s noon on a Friday before a holiday long weekend…

Server at counter: “What will you have?”

Customer: “Yes, let me see here now… I will have a… Oh! I think I’ll have a slice of pizza! Yes, I think that would satisfy me right about now… Ummm, alright… I want it to be a vegetarian. Now it will need to be multigrain dough, slightly toasted so it’s crispy but not too crunchy. Just so we’re clear – it has to be gluten free and no dairy products, I’m a vegetarian and very specific about what my body consumes. Uhhh, I almost forgot, I want you to hold the mushrooms – I’m not a big fan of mushrooms. The sauce, uh, make sure there isn’t too much sauce on it, otherwise I won’t like it. And make sure you bake me a fresh slice, I don’t want any of the ones on that rack. Oh, and your cardboard pizza slice trays… do they contain at least 50% post-consumer recycled paper fibers? If they don’t, we’re going to have to cancel the order, I’m sure you understand.”

Server at counter: “Fuck you.”



Scathing Opinion

Memoirs of a Bus Passenger

Posted May 10th, 2009 at 4:28 pm in Scathing Opinion

There is not a more desirable experience than commuting on the bus, take the vivid memories of my trip the other day…

“I peer inconspicuously around me at my fellow passengers. Inhaling the rich aroma of what is either my neighbouring passenger’s breath, the precursor to a bowel movement or both. The lady standing besides me emits a delicate fragrance of cheap and offensive perfume, the gentlemen several rows back envelops the rear quarter of the bus with his unapologetically abrasive cologne. I take such delight with my involuntary participation in the conversation a large heavy set woman near the front of the bus is having with her cell phone, several dozen decibels louder than a space shuttle lift off.

I’m only hoping and praying that the person in front of me could eat that apple even more loudly… I want to hear the churning of apple bits in their mouth; the barn animal like lip smacking; and that desirable mouth breathing while devouring the more arduous apple chunks. Yes, please close that window, it’s a beautiful summer day outside and we wouldn’t want to accidentally expose ourselves to fresh non-recalculated air that isn’t a combination of several dozen people’s poor body and dental hygiene. That woman’s child is screaming so loudly and uncontrollably, I can only guess as to how much their next door neighbours must savour their very existence. All-in-all I wish each bus trip I have is as much of a delight as this time, one can only hope.”



Scathing Opinion

Loud Shoes Translation

Posted November 1st, 2008 at 8:25 pm in Scathing Opinion

When women wear excessively loud shoes, it translates into “Hear that Daddy? I’m a big girl now! See, my shoes sound like a horse… clipity-clop, clipity-clop!” Piercingly loud high heeled shoes are reserved for women that never grew up but feel compelled in everything they do to prove they’re no longer Daddy’s little girl. Rest assured, the louder and more irritating the shoes, the more insecurities and self loathing there is.



Scathing Opinion

Guitar Hero Fantasy

Posted October 22nd, 2008 at 3:39 pm in Scathing Opinion

Guitar Hero is the incredibly popular music based video game which you play a replica guitar to music, the closer your playing gets to the actual guitar chords of the song, the better your score and progress in the game. Essentially eluding the player into thinking they are the rock star they will never in fact be. Obviously companies would want to capitalize on this success, with offshoot products and so on; or in this case to sell boxes of sugary cereal.

From the box, if you were a 12 year old kid you would be salivating at the descriptions of the Guitar Hero ‘mini-games’ randomly included in each box of cereal. The back of the box proclaims, “Music… it’s the hottest trend in gaming – and Kellogg’s has captured all the rock ‘n’ roll excitement in a new generation of show-stopping mini games!”. Any kid who couldn’t afford hundreds of dollars of latest generation game console equipment, video game software and replica guitars would be dropping a steaming turd in their pantaloons at the thought of owning anything with the Guitar Hero name on it. The box showcases four mini-games in a variety of shapes. The game we lucked out on came in the form of an awkwardly shaped watch with a postage stamp sized screen and 3 less-than-ergonomic buttons to control game play.

Immediately absent from this version of the music based game? Music… you know – the basis of the game. The only thing you’ll hear coming out of this game are your fingers mangling and mashing the crappy control buttons into the plastic casing. Instead of playing with music, you watch the monochrome screen blink different patterns of poorly drawn shit-like music symbols that appear to predate the first beta iteration of Pong. As the waves of music symbols blink you navigate your equally poorly drawn vomit-like figure under them. Unfathomable boredom sets in pretty much when you start the game, and drops to suicidal tendencies shortly thereafter. Somewhere between the boredom and suicide contemplation, your eyeballs begin to bleed from the almost invisibility of these music symbols due to the less than stellar screen quality.

The final and most monumental teeth to the curb, kick in the head? The fact that when you win the game, what it shows on the screen is identical to when you die. Whether you die or conquer all 5 identical levels of game play – all of the characters on the screen will flash. Way to go guys; you have an un-winnable game. So when a nation of non-musically inclined Guitar Hero players grow up, and postal rampages surge, we can look back at this moment in history and cringe. Those accountable will have amassed their billions from selling trucks of these useless games to unsuspecting cereal gorging kids, and we’ll be stuck with the aftermath – an army of discontent teens with reckless abandon for life.



Scathing Opinion

Women Drive With Their Tits

Posted September 15th, 2008 at 8:31 am in Scathing Opinion

Women have long accused men of driving with their dicks, implying that men drive based on their male ego. However, after only minutes on the road, and sharing it with women, you’ll soon discover that women drive with their tits. This is because women drive based on emotion. If they’re having a bad day, then “You’ll just have to deal with my dangerous and erratic, scatter-brained driving, because I have too much on my plate and I can’t deal with even half of it (as little as it may in fact be).” All caution is thrown to the wind as they lash out at the world by means of their vehicle, just be thankful you aren’t their husband that day. So while men certainly aren’t estranged to the concept of reckless driving, it is worth setting the record straight that a disgruntled women on the road (and there sure are a lot of them) is no joke. These women need to grow the fuck up and deal with their minor life malfunctions and stop with the childish self-control deficiency routine on the road.



Scathing Opinion

An Alcohol Induced Message

Posted July 31st, 2008 at 8:17 am in Scathing Opinion

While this text message from my heavily alcohol dependant buddy has some hilarity to it, you have to wonder how much of this really will play out on the night we meet up. Alcoholic doesn’t even begin to cover this dude – he lives to drink and drinks to die. Think Leaving Las Vegas, but without the hot hooker.

“FUCK IT TOM, I WANT TO DRINK UNTIL IT HURTS. WHEN MY EYEBALLS ROLL BACK INTO MY SKULL AND I SLUMP OVER FROM ALCOHOL POISONING, LIFT ME THE FUCK BACK UP, PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH AND YELL “KEEP DRINKING YOU SNIVELING LITTLE SHIT!” I WON’T BE SATISFIED WITH MY EFFORTS UNTIL I SEE A POOL OF VOMIT BENEATH ME THAT RESEMBLES THE ALL YOU CAN EAT PASTA BAR AT PIZZA HUT. MY SEXIST AND RUDE REMARKS TO INNOCENT PEOPLE CAN BE YOUR BAROMETER TO MY LEVEL OF DRUNKENNESS AS THE NIGHT GOES ON. AND IF I BLACK OUT, TILT MY HEAD, AND FUNNEL ICE COLD FROSTY BEER DOWN MY OPEN FUCKING PIE HOLE UNTIL I’M JUST A BLOATED CADAVER SPREAD OUT ON THE FLOOR. THEN I WANT YOU TO POSE BESIDE MY LIFELESS ALCOHOL SOAKED RAG OF A BODY AND HAVE A POLAROID PICTURE TAKEN OF US AS A SOUVENIR OF THE TIME YOU WENT OUT DRINKING WITH YOUR GOOD BUDDY. SEE YOU SOON!”



Scathing Opinion

Masters of the Dinner Party

Posted July 28th, 2008 at 8:07 am in Scathing Opinion

When you have a dinner table full of people eager to exhibit their prowess in the topic of their choice or demonstrate how crucial their existence is to society; it either becomes a cringe festival or a total boredom meltdown. Every dinner party of a decent size is bound to be made up of at least the following mind numbing people…

The Consumption Master - They enlighten you with their endless supply of techniques for power shopping in bulk at big box stores. Learn how you can buy a skid of 50 toilet paper rolls at $1.27 a roll versus $1.32 a roll for the 6 you buy now at your peasant’s hell hole local supermarket. Absorb like a sponge their “clever buying” pointers, because anyone that amasses as much useless shit as they do, must know a thing or two about wasting countless hours at the mall. The icing on the cake is that stunningly long and drawn out conversation at the end of the night about all of the endless luxury items they are on the cusp of buying, but never actually will.

The Productivity Master - Don’t let the fact that they are a low level junior assistant in the human resources department fool you, this person is the “heart of the company” and without them ”the company would just fall apart.” They will fill you in on every political debacle and piece of gossip to ever occur amongst their cesspool of colleagues; none of which you have ever or will ever meet in your life. Every story will provide in-depth details about how minuscule and meaningless each of their lives are until you are reaching for the butter knife in contempt of your own life. For the grand finale, hear the stories about how their single-handed efforts saved a 5,000 person company from catastrophe because of the different laser printer toner cartridge they ordered from a catalogue that week. When they start using phrases like “my colleagues need to step up to the plate more” and that their co-workers need to just “Get er’ done!” is when you accidentally throw your plate and cutlery at them.

The Financial Master - Unless you have the identical money market fund, investment strategy and retirement portfolio as this person, you will be shunned from the population and labeled as a fool for all of eternity. Although they have no actual financial qualifications, and only met you for the first time 20 minutes ago; they are avid watchers of the Suze Orman show, which has prepared them to reorganize your entire financial portfolio so that it can gleam with their personal touch of financial wizardry. Just refrain from quizzing them on why they choose to live in a one bedroom bungalow and drive a 1984 Pontiac station wagon that has more mileage than a New Delhi taxi… that’s none of your business! Last but not least, around dessert time you will be treated with privilaged ”insider information” stock recommendations with share values that will “hit it out of the park any time soon now!”

The Family Master - You’re single, they’re married, and you’ll want to hang yourself after listening to hours upon hours on their trials and tribulations of child rearing that puts even their uninvited colic ridden infant to sleep. Learn how they juggle all of life’s hardships while still being self-proclaimed “cool and hip parents”. Later on as the number of drinks consumed increases, and after talking for hours about the latest Disney video releases, you can be treated to the non-hilarity that is their ”I keep my partner in-check [nudge nudge]“ conversation. It’s all about how tight of a leash their spouse is on because they are such a wild person but have those pesky life responsibilities to tend to. Barf barf. Then get every single-person’s favorite quiz, starring questions like “So when do you plan to settle down?” and “Aren’t you ready for children of your own yet?”. And don’t forget the invaluable tidbits of knowledge you would have otherwise been ignorant of such as “The clock keeps ticking!” and “Family is everything!”. Bringing a hooker to subsequent dinner parties with the same people usually answers all of their questions without them asking.

The Environment Master - Now that they have replaced a couple of light bulbs in their living room with “high efficiency” bulbs and rode their bicycle to work once last summer, they are now champions in a crusade to save the planet. Listen in amazement as they detail their half baked planet saving achievements, and provide you with environment statistics about carbon emissions they heard off the same public service radio advertisements you too have heard over and over again for the past five months. As an added bonus, you’ll be attempting to rip your own ears off when listening to how they sort their recycling and hear stroke inducing catch phrases like ”It’s time for us all to do the right thing.” and “Mother nature depends on ALL of us for it’s survival.” But don’t dig too deep with questions about other environmental initiatives they have spearheaded - we wouldn’t want to expose the fact that they really haven’t done anything at all that would put them out of their comfort zone. Then wait for that magic moment when they prod you for when you’ll be part of their new wave movement to become “conscious of mother earth”.



Scathing Opinion

Unmistakable Signs He’s Gay

Posted May 5th, 2008 at 9:46 am in Scathing Opinion

“Hey guys, I just got tickets to be in the Ellen Degeneres Show audience!!!” – If he’s excited to be the one in a thousand guy in that audience, there is no hope.

“Does my Lulu Lemon hoodie match my Esprit for Men pants?”- Wearing men spin-offs of women’s clothing is gayness maximus, trying to coordinate them is even gayer.

“I was going to get yellow Crocs but these purple ones just look so fantastic on me!” – There’s nothing gayer than gay shoes in gay colors. He’s gay.

“Cats have feelings too you know.” - Any man that gives a rats arse about cats and their perpetual needs and feelings is certified flamboyant.

“This Gewurztraminer tastes so fruity… I love it!” - Any sentence where the fruitiness of a beverage falls into positive light is cause for concern.

“Just bought a new SUV, have you heard of it? It’s called a RAV4.” - Incorrectly classifying the chick truck you just bought as an SUV is grounds for promotion to lieutenant commander of the Gay Scouts.

“These throw pillows really accent my Tuscan themed living space.”- Any reference to duvet covers, throw pillows or table runners is genitals tucked between legs gay.

“Should I bring Celine Dion’s new album to the party?” – Celine Dion’s inclusion in his music library or mention thereof scores an infinite number on the gay-o-meter.

“How do you check the tire pressure again?” – Lacking simple car maintenance skills is a one-way trip to Gay Town.





 


Text Messages

 
Timothy (Sep 28):

Two flushes, coat hangers and a plunger equals one big poo.



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