Scathing Opinion

Alcoholic Text Message Posted September 28th, 2007 in Scathing Opinion

I was pretty sure my buddy had a drinking problem, but this text message he sent me before a party at a friend’s cottage pretty much sealed the deal. Honestly, the message is just barely coherent, but boy is it funny…

“GOD DAMN IT – I WILL BE STUNNINGLY UPSET IF YOU ARE NOT PROJECTILE VOMITING OFF THE PORCH TONIGHT OR AT THE VERY LEAST GARGLING ON YOUR OWN BILE AND PUKE WITH BARF BITS DRIBBLING DOWN YOUR SHIRT SLURRING YOUR VOICE SAYING “IMMMM A N A CLOHOLIC FAND GDKLGDFLKJ GOO GOO GAAA GAA.” THAT’S RIGHT… YOU ARE GOING TO BE WRETCHEDLY WASTED BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MOVE YOUR ARMS AND LEGS WITHOUT CONVULSING. WHY! WHY ARE THE POLICE AT MY DOOR TOM??? I DON’T NEED THIS! WE’RE ALL GOING TO HELL – OH HOLD ON, MR DANIELS AND HIS WIFE TANQUERAY ARE ON THE PHONE, UH WHAT? SURE COME OVER FOR A DRINK YOU LITTLE SHITS, MY FRIEND TOM IS OVER IN THE BUSHES BUSY REGURGITATING HIS STOMACH ONTO THE SAND. OH MY GOD!”

The Wonderful World of Communications Posted September 20th, 2007 in Scathing Opinion

While wandering around the different land line and cell phone provider web sites to figure out which one would fuck me over the least, it really made me wonder about people’s needs and some of the claims people go by on these web sites. As you could imagine, cell phone providers were always the biggest fuck over ass reaming…

Why is my ear bleeding? 

I saw this little gem while cruising the Alltel Wireless web site. Anybody that needs 6,000 monthly minutes of air time ON TOP OF UNLIMITED EVENINGS, WEEKENDS AND MOBILE TO MOBILE CALLING spends WAYYYYY too much fucking time on their cell phone. Might as well stick your head in a 1200 watt microwave and cook for 10 minutes on high each month. For that matter, when would you have enough ‘off air’ time to even get your head into the microwave and push the screw driver into the safety latch? If there isn’t anyone that uses this plan, I love the idea that the cell phone company feels compelled to at least try and push you to the $200 A MONTH plan, JUST IN CASE you NEED 6,000 minutes! “GOD CURSE THIS 4,000 MINUTE PLAN, IT’S REALLY CRAMPING MY LIFESTYLE!!!”

Trade in your out dated widescreen LCD!

Saw this miracle of modern technology on the Rogers Wireless web site. I wanted to wretch when reflecting back on all those months of using my peasant-like 24″ LCD monitor when I could have been using the Sony Ericsson K790 cell phone with it’s whopping 2046×1536 screen resolution (which must be easy to fit into 2 inches of screen real estate) for all my computing and entertainment needs. Think of the spreadsheets! I better start getting those thumbs of mine into shape. I just yearn for the sensation of lying in bed watching block buster movies on it’s saliva inducing 2 inch screen, and falling asleep afterwards with a small glowing square etched into my retinas from feverishly squinting into my glowing cell phone’s screen trying to make out the close-ups on my favorite star’s tits.

Leaning Tower of Toronto Posted September 6th, 2007 in Scathing Opinion

Was watching NBC Nightly News in between the plethora of ads for drugs I should supposedly be taking. One of the headlines was about how Steve Fossett the adventurer was still missing somewhere in the Nevada desert, and how people were searching for him on Google Maps (read: placement ad for Google). Google Maps? I just looked up the address for my 5 year old condo and all the satellite image shows is a hole in the ground where I am sitting right now. Good fucking luck using five year old maps to find a guy missing FOUR DAYS AGO dip sticks. So for shits and giggles I went and checked my buddy’s place, and guess what? He must be living in the Leaning Tower of Toronto, because Google Maps shows his 30 story condo tower toppled over and resting on the building next to it. Calling him confirmed he is still alive and well, pictures still straight on the wall. What a joke.

Checkout the Checkout Line Posted August 7th, 2007 in Scathing Opinion

I was standing in the checkout line at the supermarket, and couldn’t help noticing the guy in front of me was buying the following items: large bag of adult diapers; a club 12 pack of bacon flavored baked beans; two large bottles of Metamucil; 18 pack of super quilted toilet paper and a box of Q-Tips (I guess in case the toilet paper wasn’t meticulous enough). Really, when you looked at it, the stuff bathroom humor is made of and everyone in the lineup looked like they were waiting to die. So to lighten things up I said to the guy “Looks like you’re in for quite a weekend!”

The checkout chick smirked at the remark, so I wasn’t totally off base. But I soon discovered he wasn’t digging the humor quite as much. The way I could tell was the guy’s flaring nostrils and the dark blue veins protruding from his forehead. I thought Wade from Total Recall and was going to erupt from his chest. “Go to hell!” he said flicking his hand at me. It was then I discovered why it wasn’t funny for him, during the excitement he had shat himself right on the spot, no kidding. The rank smell of the immediate vicinity was a total give away.

Moral of the story, if you see a line of people waiting to die, let them.

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