“FUCK IT TOM, I WANT TO DRINK UNTIL IT HURTS. WHEN MY EYEBALLS ROLL BACK INTO MY SKULL AND I SLUMP OVER FROM ALCOHOL POISONING, LIFT ME THE FUCK BACK UP, PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH AND YELL “KEEP DRINKING YOU SNIVELING LITTLE SHIT!” I WON’T BE SATISFIED WITH MY EFFORTS UNTIL I SEE A POOL OF VOMIT BENEATH ME THAT RESEMBLES THE ALL YOU CAN EAT PASTA BAR AT PIZZA HUT. MY SEXIST AND RUDE REMARKS TO INNOCENT PEOPLE CAN BE YOUR BAROMETER TO MY LEVEL OF DRUNKENNESS AS THE NIGHT GOES ON. AND IF I BLACK OUT, TILT MY HEAD, AND FUNNEL ICE COLD FROSTY BEER DOWN MY OPEN FUCKING PIE HOLE UNTIL I’M JUST A BLOATED CADAVER SPREAD OUT ON THE FLOOR. THEN I WANT YOU TO POSE BESIDE MY LIFELESS ALCOHOL SOAKED RAG OF A BODY AND HAVE A POLAROID PICTURE TAKEN OF US AS A SOUVENIR OF THE TIME YOU WENT OUT DRINKING WITH YOUR GOOD BUDDY. SEE YOU SOON!”

The Consumption Master - They enlighten you with their endless supply of techniques for power shopping in bulk at big box stores. Learn how you can buy a skid of 50 toilet paper rolls at $1.27 a roll versus $1.32 a roll for the 6 you buy now at your peasant’s hell hole local supermarket. Absorb like a sponge their “clever buying” pointers, because anyone that amasses as much useless shit as they do, must know a thing or two about wasting countless hours at the mall. The icing on the cake is that stunningly long and drawn out conversation at the end of the night about all of the endless luxury items they are on the cusp of buying, but never actually will.

The Productivity Master - Don’t let the fact that they are a low level junior assistant in the human resources department fool you, this person is the “heart of the company” and without them ”the company would just fall apart.” They will fill you in on every political debacle and piece of gossip to ever occur amongst their cesspool of colleagues; none of which you have ever or will ever meet in your life. Every story will provide in-depth details about how minuscule and meaningless each of their lives are until you are reaching for the butter knife in contempt of your own life. For the grand finale, hear the stories about how their single-handed efforts saved a 5,000 person company from catastrophe because of the different laser printer toner cartridge they ordered from a catalogue that week. When they start using phrases like “my colleagues need to step up to the plate more” and that their co-workers need to just “Get er’ done!” is when you accidentally throw your plate and cutlery at them.

The Financial Master - Unless you have the identical money market fund, investment strategy and retirement portfolio as this person, you will be shunned from the population and labeled as a fool for all of eternity. Although they have no actual financial qualifications, and only met you for the first time 20 minutes ago; they are avid watchers of the Suze Orman show, which has prepared them to reorganize your entire financial portfolio so that it can gleam with their personal touch of financial wizardry. Just refrain from quizzing them on why they choose to live in a one bedroom bungalow and drive a 1984 Pontiac station wagon that has more mileage than a New Delhi taxi… that’s none of your business! Last but not least, around dessert time you will be treated with privilaged ”insider information” stock recommendations with share values that will “hit it out of the park any time soon now!”

The Family Master - You’re single, they’re married, and you’ll want to hang yourself after listening to hours upon hours on their trials and tribulations of child rearing that puts even their uninvited colic ridden infant to sleep. Learn how they juggle all of life’s hardships while still being self-proclaimed “cool and hip parents”. Later on as the number of drinks consumed increases, and after talking for hours about the latest Disney video releases, you can be treated to the non-hilarity that is their ”I keep my partner in-check [nudge nudge]“ conversation. It’s all about how tight of a leash their spouse is on because they are such a wild person but have those pesky life responsibilities to tend to. Barf barf. Then get every single-person’s favorite quiz, starring questions like “So when do you plan to settle down?” and “Aren’t you ready for children of your own yet?”. And don’t forget the invaluable tidbits of knowledge you would have otherwise been ignorant of such as “The clock keeps ticking!” and “Family is everything!”. Bringing a hooker to subsequent dinner parties with the same people usually answers all of their questions without them asking.

The Environment Master - Now that they have replaced a couple of light bulbs in their living room with “high efficiency” bulbs and rode their bicycle to work once last summer, they are now champions in a crusade to save the planet. Listen in amazement as they detail their half baked planet saving achievements, and provide you with environment statistics about carbon emissions they heard off the same public service radio advertisements you too have heard over and over again for the past five months. As an added bonus, you’ll be attempting to rip your own ears off when listening to how they sort their recycling and hear stroke inducing catch phrases like ”It’s time for us all to do the right thing.” and “Mother nature depends on ALL of us for it’s survival.” But don’t dig too deep with questions about other environmental initiatives they have spearheaded - we wouldn’t want to expose the fact that they really haven’t done anything at all that would put them out of their comfort zone. Then wait for that magic moment when they prod you for when you’ll be part of their new wave movement to become “conscious of mother earth”.

“Does my Lulu Lemon hoodie match my Esprit for Men pants?”- Wearing men spin-offs of women’s clothing is gayness maximus, trying to coordinate them is even gayer.

“I was going to get yellow Crocs but these purple ones just look so fantastic on me!” - There’s nothing gayer than gay shoes in gay colors. He’s gay.

“Cats have feelings too you know.” - Any man that gives a rats arse about cats and their perpetual needs and feelings is certified flamboyant.

“This Gewurztraminer tastes so fruity… I love it!” - Any sentence where the fruitiness of a beverage falls into positive light is cause for concern.

“Just bought a new SUV, have you heard of it? It’s called a RAV4.” - Incorrectly classifying the chick truck you just bought as an SUV is grounds for promotion to lieutenant commander of the Gay Scouts.

“These throw pillows really accent my Tuscan themed living space.”- Any reference to duvet covers, throw pillows or table runners is genitals tucked between legs gay.

“Should I bring Celine Dion’s new album to the party?” - Celine Dion’s inclusion in his music library or mention thereof scores an infinite number on the gay-o-meter.

“How do you check the tire pressure again?” - Lacking simple car maintenance skills is a one-way trip to Gay Town.

When your fledgling video store business doesn’t quite hit the mark with local area residence, that’s the time to diversify your revenue streams to maximize the return on your retail square footage investment. Peruse the photo above - think of this as an easter egg hunt, but without the reward.

 Tai Chi Lessons – Because the first place you think of when needing authentic Tai Chi lessons is naturally your local independently owned video store. Block Buster beware, the new generation of video store has arrived. We can only hope the lessons are conducted on-site in the store for maximum convenience.

 Phone Service – Just threw your wife off the 18th floor balcony after a heated argument about whether it’s pronounced “tomatoes” or “tomotos”? You need a phone, other than your own, to call your lawyer and discuss whether a permanent trip to Panama or Mexico would be better.

 Computer Repair – Nothing reassures me more when handing over my computer and all my private files, than the store fixing it entering my details into a computer that pre-dates the abacus with a box of 5 1/4″ floppy diskettes beside it.

 Ink Cartridge Refilling – But why drop off only your computer to be harvested for every scrap of porn and private information it contains; when you could get your ink jet cartridges refilled at the same time? Save pennies while reducing the lifespan of your important prints from decades to days - it just makes sense.

 Passport Photos – Why visit the specialists at the photography store for high quality $8 passport photos; when you can spend $6.99 and get a blurry screen door version that vaugly resembles you, using a camera that looks an awful lot like the pin hole camera you made in high school out of a tissue box and duct tape?

We’re sure that there are plenty of other great money making products and services that can be wrenched into 250 square feet of space, but only time will tell what they will be. There are just so many business ideas perfect for in a video store, whether it be shoe repair, soft serve ice cream or key cutting - the local video store is where it all happens.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry… I had no idea it was going to be that bad… Wow, is that ever so barn animal fresh and poignant - the air is so thick I can taste it! Like someone shit down my throat kind of taste it. Usually there’s a certain level of immunity to your own farts, but whoa, I’m really having a hard time coping. Maybe I’m sick? Fuck the doctor, I need a hospital to deal with the havoc wreaking in my bowels. This kind of fart just isn’t natural by any stretch of the imagination. It smells like I plowed through a bucket of rancid egg salad, chased it with curdled milk and let it brew for the afternoon. Let’s just prey that the almighty Jesus Christ our lord and savior will come in our desperate time of need and cleanse the air we breath. No? Not coming again today Jesus? I hardly believe lighting a match will do the trick this time. This may very well be the end everyone… this may be the end. Jesus if you aren’t coming - at least give myself and those struggling around me the strength to persevere and survive this shocking ordeal. Amen and hallelujah.”

The women in the ad are essentially these 40 to 50 somethings that have spent a lifetime abusing their bodies beyond recognition, and now have these little “I’m top shelf material.” smirks on all of their faces as they spend 30 minutes a day in a gym doing low impact workouts (read: not breaking a sweat) and suddenly mistaking themselves as cock bait. I would LOVE to see the drop out rate at those gyms by the end of each member’s first month, with some stragglers still lingering around a few months later trying to escape the tedium of their lives.

With it in my shaking hands, my eyes perused its beauty. It was, a beautiful moment, poetic in every sense of the word. Until it suddenly dawned on me… “I don’t know how the fuck to use this thing?” Distraught and lacking the will to live, I dropped to the floor still clinging to the DVD. Like a mother weeping over the expired body of her lifeless only child, I lay there in the front lobby of the supermarket in despair, thinking where the closest bridges were.

A woman who was passing by knelled down and asked “Excuse me sir, are you OK?”. To which I replied with a sobbing voice, “No… My dreams and ambitions are in ruins because I don’t know how to use this DVD!”

I reluctantly allowed the woman to take it from my grasp and examine it. After carefully looking at the front, then back cover she suddenly exclaims “Oh my goodness, you’re saved! Look on the back… it tells you exactly how to use it. It says ‘Insert hockey skills DVD into your DVD player and press play.’”

“Whaa? I… Really?” I eagerly retrieved the DVD from her hands, “My god you’re right! You’re RIGHT! I’m saved!” With tears welling up in my eyes I said in a wavering voice “THANK YOU kind stranger, I can only repay you with the blessings of a thousand prayers!”

I stood up, brushing myself off, wiped my tears away and triumphantly walked onward. The automatic doors opened out onto the parking lot as I took a deep breath and shouted “SCORE!!!”. Flailing my arms in the air, again I yelled… “SCORE!!!”.

“OH GOD TOM… WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK OF ME AS I STAGGER DOWN THE FUCKING STREET WITH MY PUKE STAINED CLOTHES? MY CRUSTY PIE HOLE WILL BE SWALLOWING AIR TRYING TO SUSTAIN LIFE LIKE A FISH ON A FUCKING FISHING ROD - WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SCOTCH? SCOTCHIE… BEAM ME UP TO DRUNKNESS YOU USELESS BASTARD! TONIGHT I WILL BE ROLLING IN THE GUTTERS FEEBLY SCRAPING AT THE SIDEWALK AS THE WORLD SPINS AROUND ME. GO AWAY! DONT LOOK AT ME! IM WORKING ON FIRST PLACE FOR BEINGE DRINKING, I WANT TO WIN, I WANT TO BE A WINNER. WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY PENIS IS HANGING OUT OF MY TRENCH COAT? HOW ELSE AM I GOING TO WANK MYSELF IN PUBLIC? THIS IS FOOLISHNESS, I HAVE TO KEEP SLAPPING RUM SHOTS DOWN MY FUCKING GULLET TILL THAT GOLDEN TEQUILA SUNRISE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I SPIT WHEN I’M TALKING? I HAVE TO GO AND DO THE JIG FOR MY SOBRIETY TEST. SHIT THIS BURBON MAKES ME SMILE.”

Light up the new Urinal Cake Fabreze candle, close your eyes… and experience the enchanting smell of several drunk, overweight men lined up and pissing with a fury at the urinals of your neighborhood pub during Superbowl halftime. Sources tell me the soon to be released Hint of Asparagus edition will be an overnight smash hit. 

With salvia dripping from my chin I deposited it into the microwave and nuked as directed. The three beeps of victory were heard and I eagerly removed it from the nuker. Cracked open the lid to reveal its bounty, only to discover what I would best describe as ‘vomit in a box’.

Reality sure does suck, doesn’t it…