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Scathing OpinionOpinion from a guy that intensely hates everyone and everything around him. Sounds a tad bit grouchy and bitter? Wrong, he’s world class pissed and the most disgruntled fuck you’ve ever met. He’s going to end up hurting someone or himself. Honestly, I think he’s sick?
“Hey guys, I just got tickets to be in the Ellen Degeneres Show audience!!!” - If he’s excited to be the one in a thousand guy in that audience, there is no hope. “Does my Lulu Lemon hoodie match my Esprit for Men pants?”- Wearing men spin-offs of women’s clothing is gayness maximus, trying to coordinate them is even gayer. “I was going to get yellow Crocs but these purple ones just look so fantastic on me!” - There’s nothing gayer than gay shoes in gay colors. He’s gay. “Cats have feelings too you know.” - Any man that gives a rats arse about cats and their perpetual needs and feelings is certified flamboyant. “This Gewurztraminer tastes so fruity… I love it!” - Any sentence where the fruitiness of a beverage falls into positive light is cause for concern. “Just bought a new SUV, have you heard of it? It’s called a RAV4.” - Incorrectly classifying the chick truck you just bought as an SUV is grounds for promotion to lieutenant commander of the Gay Scouts. “These throw pillows really accent my Tuscan themed living space.”- Any reference to duvet covers, throw pillows or table runners is genitals tucked between legs gay. “Should I bring Celine Dion’s new album to the party?” - Celine Dion’s inclusion in his music library or mention thereof scores an infinite number on the gay-o-meter. “How do you check the tire pressure again?” - Lacking simple car maintenance skills is a one-way trip to Gay Town.
When your fledgling video store business doesn’t quite hit the mark with local area residence, that’s the time to diversify your revenue streams to maximize the return on your retail square footage investment. Peruse the photo above - think of this as an easter egg hunt, but without the reward.
We’re sure that there are plenty of other great money making products and services that can be wrenched into 250 square feet of space, but only time will tell what they will be. There are just so many business ideas perfect for in a video store, whether it be shoe repair, soft serve ice cream or key cutting - the local video store is where it all happens.
“Oh my god, I am so sorry… I had no idea it was going to be that bad… Wow, is that ever so barn animal fresh and poignant - the air is so thick I can taste it! Like someone shit down my throat kind of taste it. Usually there’s a certain level of immunity to your own farts, but whoa, I’m really having a hard time coping. Maybe I’m sick? Fuck the doctor, I need a hospital to deal with the havoc wreaking in my bowels. This kind of fart just isn’t natural by any stretch of the imagination. It smells like I plowed through a bucket of rancid egg salad, chased it with curdled milk and let it brew for the afternoon. Let’s just prey that the almighty Jesus Christ our lord and savior will come in our desperate time of need and cleanse the air we breath. No? Not coming again today Jesus? I hardly believe lighting a match will do the trick this time. This may very well be the end everyone… this may be the end. Jesus if you aren’t coming - at least give myself and those struggling around me the strength to persevere and survive this shocking ordeal. Amen and hallelujah.”
I had to laugh when the new Curves fitness gym for women ads aired recently. The commercial starts with images of women in their “This is me now” look and a narrative saying “Women of the world, It’s time to take 30…” referring to the 30 minute workout they need to magically transform their troll like figures into the bodacious enviable body they never before now had the willpower to bother changing. The women in the ad are essentially these 40 to 50 somethings that have spent a lifetime abusing their bodies beyond recognition, and now have these little “I’m top shelf material.” smirks on all of their faces as they spend 30 minutes a day in a gym doing low impact workouts (read: not breaking a sweat) and suddenly mistaking themselves as cock bait. I would LOVE to see the drop out rate at those gyms by the end of each member’s first month, with some stragglers still lingering around a few months later trying to escape the tedium of their lives.
There are only a handful of moments in one’s life that truly stand out as incredible, possibly even a miracle. Mine was when I discovered the other day that the box of Frosted Flakes I had in my shopping cart came with a FREE DVD on how to play better hockey. I sprinted to the express checkout, knocking people to the way side, and purchased the box of cereal. I was so excited I was ripping the box open before even leaving the store to get at the DVD. With it in my shaking hands, my eyes perused its beauty. It was, a beautiful moment, poetic in every sense of the word. Until it suddenly dawned on me… “I don’t know how the fuck to use this thing?” Distraught and lacking the will to live, I dropped to the floor still clinging to the DVD. Like a mother weeping over the expired body of her lifeless only child, I lay there in the front lobby of the supermarket in despair, thinking where the closest bridges were. A woman who was passing by knelled down and asked “Excuse me sir, are you OK?”. To which I replied with a sobbing voice, “No… My dreams and ambitions are in ruins because I don’t know how to use this DVD!” I reluctantly allowed the woman to take it from my grasp and examine it. After carefully looking at the front, then back cover she suddenly exclaims “Oh my goodness, you’re saved! Look on the back… it tells you exactly how to use it. It says ‘Insert hockey skills DVD into your DVD player and press play.’” “Whaa? I… Really?” I eagerly retrieved the DVD from her hands, “My god you’re right! You’re RIGHT! I’m saved!” With tears welling up in my eyes I said in a wavering voice “THANK YOU kind stranger, I can only repay you with the blessings of a thousand prayers!” I stood up, brushing myself off, wiped my tears away and triumphantly walked onward. The automatic doors opened out onto the parking lot as I took a deep breath and shouted “SCORE!!!”. Flailing my arms in the air, again I yelled… “SCORE!!!”.
You would think the ambulance ride and stomach pump after the last booze binge festival would change his ways. But judging from this text message I got from him before a party we went to last weekend, he hasn’t changed shit. Again, funny message, but it screams raging alcoholic… “OH GOD TOM… WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK OF ME AS I STAGGER DOWN THE FUCKING STREET WITH MY PUKE STAINED CLOTHES? MY CRUSTY PIE HOLE WILL BE SWALLOWING AIR TRYING TO SUSTAIN LIFE LIKE A FISH ON A FUCKING FISHING ROD - WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SCOTCH? SCOTCHIE… BEAM ME UP TO DRUNKNESS YOU USELESS BASTARD! TONIGHT I WILL BE ROLLING IN THE GUTTERS FEEBLY SCRAPING AT THE SIDEWALK AS THE WORLD SPINS AROUND ME. GO AWAY! DONT LOOK AT ME! IM WORKING ON FIRST PLACE FOR BEINGE DRINKING, I WANT TO WIN, I WANT TO BE A WINNER. WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY PENIS IS HANGING OUT OF MY TRENCH COAT? HOW ELSE AM I GOING TO WANK MYSELF IN PUBLIC? THIS IS FOOLISHNESS, I HAVE TO KEEP SLAPPING RUM SHOTS DOWN MY FUCKING GULLET TILL THAT GOLDEN TEQUILA SUNRISE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I SPIT WHEN I’M TALKING? I HAVE TO GO AND DO THE JIG FOR MY SOBRIETY TEST. SHIT THIS BURBON MAKES ME SMILE.”
The makers of Fabreze air freshener (the one people spray in abundance on everything and everywhere instead of actually cleaning anything) have a new line of naturally inspired fragrances. Spray the new Fabreze Fecal Mist in your living room and be instantly transported to your local barn yard, slaughter house or public washroom for an unparelled aromatic experience. Light up the new Urinal Cake Fabreze candle, close your eyes… and experience the enchanting smell of several drunk, overweight men lined up and pissing with a fury at the urinals of your neighborhood pub during Superbowl halftime. Sources tell me the soon to be released Hint of Asparagus edition will be an overnight smash hit.
From the cover of this Michelina’s Noodles Stroganoff microwave dinner, it would appear aunty Michelina herself expertly crafted a stroganoff so delicate and tantalizing that even the most well versed Italian food connoisseur would be left speechless with delight. With salvia dripping from my chin I deposited it into the microwave and nuked as directed. The three beeps of victory were heard and I eagerly removed it from the nuker. Cracked open the lid to reveal its bounty, only to discover what I would best describe as ‘vomit in a box’. Reality sure does suck, doesn’t it…
I was pretty sure my buddy had a drinking problem, but this text message he sent me before a party at a friend’s cottage pretty much sealed the deal. Honestly, the message is just barely coherent, but boy is it funny… “GOD DAMN IT – I WILL BE STUNNINGLY UPSET IF YOU ARE NOT PROJECTILE VOMITING OFF THE PORCH TONIGHT OR AT THE VERY LEAST GARGLING ON YOUR OWN BILE AND PUKE WITH BARF BITS DRIBBLING DOWN YOUR SHIRT SLURRING YOUR VOICE SAYING “IMMMM A N A CLOHOLIC FAND GDKLGDFLKJ GOO GOO GAAA GAA.” THAT’S RIGHT… YOU ARE GOING TO BE WRETCHEDLY WASTED BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MOVE YOUR ARMS AND LEGS WITHOUT CONVULSING. WHY! WHY ARE THE POLICE AT MY DOOR TOM??? I DON’T NEED THIS! WE’RE ALL GOING TO HELL – OH HOLD ON, MR DANIELS AND HIS WIFE TANQUERAY ARE ON THE PHONE, UH WHAT? SURE COME OVER FOR A DRINK YOU LITTLE SHITS, MY FRIEND TOM IS OVER IN THE BUSHES BUSY REGURGITATING HIS STOMACH ONTO THE SAND. OH MY GOD!”
While wandering around the different land line and cell phone provider web sites to figure out which one would fuck me over the least, it really made me wonder about people’s needs and some of the claims people go by on these web sites. As you could imagine, cell phone providers were always the biggest fuck over ass reaming… Why is my ear bleeding?
I saw this little gem while cruising the Alltel Wireless web site. Anybody that needs 6,000 monthly minutes of air time ON TOP OF UNLIMITED EVENINGS, WEEKENDS AND MOBILE TO MOBILE CALLING spends WAYYYYY too much fucking time on their cell phone. Might as well stick your head in a 1200 watt microwave and cook for 10 minutes on high each month. For that matter, when would you have enough ‘off air’ time to even get your head into the microwave and push the screw driver into the safety latch? If there isn’t anyone that uses this plan, I love the idea that the cell phone company feels compelled to at least try and push you to the $200 A MONTH plan, JUST IN CASE you NEED 6,000 minutes! “GOD CURSE THIS 4,000 MINUTE PLAN, IT’S REALLY CRAMPING MY LIFESTYLE!!!” Trade in your out dated widescreen LCD!
Saw this miracle of modern technology on the Rogers Wireless web site. I wanted to wretch when reflecting back on all those months of using my peasant-like 24″ LCD monitor when I could have been using the Sony Ericsson K790 cell phone with it’s whopping 2046×1536 screen resolution (which must be easy to fit into 2 inches of screen real estate) for all my computing and entertainment needs. Think of the spreadsheets! I better start getting those thumbs of mine into shape. I just yearn for the sensation of lying in bed watching block buster movies on it’s saliva inducing 2 inch screen, and falling asleep afterwards with a small glowing square etched into my retinas from feverishly squinting into my glowing cell phone’s screen trying to make out the close-ups on my favorite star’s tits. |
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Tai Chi Lessons – Because the first place you think of when needing authentic Tai Chi lessons is naturally your local independently owned video store. Block Buster beware, the new generation of video store has arrived. We can only hope the lessons are conducted on-site in the store for maximum convenience.
Phone Service – Just threw your wife off the 18th floor balcony after a heated argument about whether it’s pronounced “tomatoes” or “tomotos”? You need a phone, other than your own, to call your lawyer and discuss whether a permanent trip to Panama or Mexico would be better.
Computer Repair – Nothing reassures me more when handing over my computer and all my private files, than the store fixing it entering my details into a computer that pre-dates the abacus with a box of 5 1/4″ floppy diskettes beside it.
Ink Cartridge Refilling – But why drop off only your computer to be harvested for every scrap of porn and private information it contains; when you could get your ink jet cartridges refilled at the same time? Save pennies while reducing the lifespan of your important prints from decades to days - it just makes sense.
Passport Photos – Why visit the specialists at the photography store for high quality $8 passport photos; when you can spend $6.99 and get a blurry screen door version that vaugly resembles you, using a camera that looks an awful lot like the pin hole camera you made in high school out of a tissue box and duct tape?
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