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Broken News
Sick of getting spoon fed pharmaceutical ads while watching the nightly infotainment news? Our Broken News livens things up showing you just how fucked the world really is. From news bits as small as your micro winkie to as big as your moms giant arse, we cover it all.
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California, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) – Jeffery Goldstein, the actor whose embarrassing line “I love when it says ‘You’ve got mail!”, won him enemies the world over, passed away last night due to extreme unbelievable boredom. When questioning his mother about her son she stated, “What he said in the ad was actually true, he would spend hours a day signing up for spam lists, newsletters, write e-cards to himself and even post messages on bulletin boards asking others to spam his email address just so he could hear that retched “You’ve got mail!”. His mother continued on to explain the cause of the death, “But when the speakers attached to his computer stopped working last night, a few hours after the last ‘You’ve got mail’, he slipped into a boredom induced death spiral. Our doctor said the symptoms of his death are similar to thousands others who were listening to the latest Celine Dion album.”
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Florida, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) — In an attempt to force himself into a healthy routine of exercise, a Pompano Beach Florida resident hired a hit-man to kill him if he failed to show up to any of his four weekly workouts, every week, for the past ten years. “At first I thought the ridiculous membership fees and that ludicrous up front joining fee would make me workout so I wouldn’t waste the money - but that didn’t work. Within weeks I was coming up with all sorts of lame pathetic excuses not to go. So I decided that if money wouldn’t promote me to go, losing my life would. The hit-man idea has worked like a charm, maybe even too good. There were some times that I truly would have preferred not to go; like that time I had bronchial asthmatic pneumonia. I’ve never had so much dark green mucus running down my face in my life, you should have seen that treadmill afterwards. But with all its ups and downs, my only complaint lately is that what I originally thought were expensive gym fees have been over shadowed by the high cost of the hit-man. Now that I want to stop, I can’t because I told him to shoot me if I told him I wanted to give up.”
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Michigan, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) – After spilling an iced coffee beverage onto his lap while driving from a local coffee shop drive-through, a Michigan man is now suing the shop for $800,000 in damages and mental anguish. The man claimed it was a “traumatic experience” that has “negatively altered his life”. He claims that he was unaware of the frigid temperature of the Ice Mocha or he would have taken better precautions with handling the beverage. The coffee shop owner said during our interview, “Anyone who doesn’t know the temperature of a drink that has the word ‘ice’ in its name has much more important things to worry about than a moment of discomfort due to his own negligence. He sustained no physical harm and there were no damages to his vehicle or possessions except a brown stain on his pants, which I am sure is something he is used to.”
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Atlanta, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) – In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his ‘complete and full stop’. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be ‘consistent with typical driving patterns’ caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was “I am quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle.”
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Georgia, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) – A man resembling a giant kid was arrested Thursday for sexually assaulting a manikin at a women’s fashion outlet store. Store clerks describe how the man made several trips past the manikin, and then went up onto the podium where he commenced to fondle and groupe the manikin’s breasts. When questioned about the incident, he said “I couldn’t help it… she had the nicest set of tits I’ve seen in a long time.”
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Michigan, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) – Movie enthusiast Brad Densley was admitted to the emergency room of a local Michigan hospital Thursday evening, and was later pronounced dead. This was after being brutally beaten in a movie theatre for answering his mobile phone during a pivotal moment in the movie’s plot. Right away the whimsical monotone song the cell phone rang to immediately started people hissing and moving around in their seats. “As soon as I heard Jingle Bells from across the theatre in mid August, I wanted to hurt someone.” said one audience member with a notable look of anger and hatred in his face. But when Mr. Densley then answered the phone, began talking pleasantries in an almost normal voice and proceeded to relay a shopping list to his wife, the audience went absolutely nuts. “It was when he started with the shopping list and he got down to the third item which was, I don’t know, milk or something. I really wanted to stick that phone up his ass. Everyone started plowing over rows of seats to get to the guy and ring his neck, including myself.” commented one person involved in the beating.
“From the moment I saw him in the front lobby I knew he was an arrogant loser from his ill coordinated NY Yankees hat and LA Lakers t-shirt.” stated one man who was able to get a few kidney shots into Mr. Densley before leaving the theatre in disgust on Thursday. When interviewing the wife of Mr. Densley she stated, “This sort of thing has happened before and each time I was beyond embarrassed. But I never thought it would escalate from minor fist fights and kicking matches to the point where he loses his life. I am disappointed that the theatre staff looked the other way and did nothing to prevent my husband’s death, with one usher in fact joining in on the beatings.” Six men and two women were later charged and sentenced to appear in court, eleven others were issued warnings.
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Atlanta, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) – Atlanta native auto mechanic Michael Ross publicly declares that he has given up the life long struggle to figure out what women really want. This came after a recently published report estimating American corporations had spent over $3.8 billion dollars in 2005 to determine what women want from their products and marketing, and had largely failed. “If combining rooms full of highly skilled experts and truck loads of money can’t figure these women out, how on earth is the typical blue collar man with $28,000 after tax dollars a year supposed to?” said Mr. Ross during an interview with Atlanta news reporters. “It may be that these women themselves have no idea what they are looking for or what will win them over. Many admit to having the exact same qualities in one man be endearing, while in another, off-putting.” Mr. Ross’s web site has generated over 137,000 letters of support from other men in it’s guest book since his announcement earlier in the week.
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Mississippi, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) –In an effort to cut costs, major airlines are resorting to cutting back even the smallest of items to curb expenditures. One in particular is the removal of barf bags on flights commencing August. “Annual savings are expected to exceed $450,200US”, stated investor relations manager Carol Bauer, “The small percentage who actually use them are increasing ticket prices for the rest.” But outraged motion sickness prone travelers had a less enthusiastic view of the matter. “I guess I will just have to hurl onto the meal tray. Frankly, based on my last flight, I don’t think the Sauteed Pork and vegetable melody will look much different if I did.” said one angry traveler. When the airlines were asked what they expected passengers to do in the event of motion sickness they replied, “Users of our planes who are prone to such sensitivities should bring with them preventative medicines and appropriate containers, we are not operating a flying hospital.”
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Baltimore, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) – In fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. “I became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of the carpet threads.” Magazines wanting a glimpse and photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his present lifestyle he replied, “If living in my mini-van is payment for a perfect house, I’m willing to pay.”
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Arkansas, USA (Jokes Palace Newsroom) – An Arkansas primary school teacher has been declared the worlds cheapest tipper after ordering more than $250 worth of food and drinks for his wife and self and leaving a 5 rupee tip. Rupee, an Indian currency, is worth approximately 0.02 of an American dollar. When questioned, the man replied, “I had just returned from a trip to India and I had mistaken the coins for more valuable American currency.” Relaying this to the offended waitress she responded, “His excuse is weak, since when would you be cracking out foreign coins (that do not even resemble American money) as a tip for a $250 dollar dinner? There is no way with a bill like that you would use coins to tip at the customary 10%-15%, and even tipping at something like 3% would still need bills. His tip wasn’t even a percent!”
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