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All Time Favorites

Only humor that has left urine stains in the pants and dresses of millions ends up in our All Time Favorites humor sanctuary. Any Jokes Palace original humor that leaves you puking milk from your nose and feeling a bit violated, deserves a home amongst the best.


All Time Favorites

The Reasons Facebook Sucks

Posted November 24th, 2012 at 4:41 pm in All Time Favorites

All Facebook posts can essentially be slotted into one of the following uninspiring and unfortunate categories…

I Have Offspring Posts

Congratulations, you’re the parent of the 7 billionth person on this planet! The wasteland of baby pictures ranging from mediocre to disappointing of animal-like devolved offspring are compelling arguments for mass sterilization. The first few do nicely, yes a child has been born… it’s the incessant months and years of daily follow-up photos that leave you wanting to bludgeon your eyes out with a pair of corn on the cob holders.

The Unsuccessful Motivator Posts

People regurgitating a plethora of cringe inducing quotes, motivational pictures, inspirational phrases, and “you can do it, if you change” slogans makes even the calmest of us want to hurl our computers across the room with incoherent rage. Usually these posts originate from the people that need their own quotes the most.

Look At Meeeeeeeeeeee Posts

I’m so fun and sexy, wow look at MEEEEEEEE!!!!!! One duck face, mirror shot, sitting in restaurant with heaping plate of non-human grade food in front of them, jump in the air on the beach picture after another. These heavily biased photos feature in every possible camera angle the 6 days out of 365 the person isn’t languishing in front of a screen deteriorating into a pile of shit watching Seinfeld reruns. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

My Opinions Are Fact Posts

Your petty self interest narrow minded opinions on matters you have no exposure to facts or evidence on, are disgusting and nobody is interested. We don’t care about your phone manufacturer preference, presidential candidate views or commentary of government policy. You are most likely stunningly wrong on all those “facts” you’ve gathered from the Internet, talk shows and uninformed friends. Wire shut that spewing volcano of conjecture – we don’t give a fuck what you think about ANYTHING!

Squandered Life Posts

The latest exploits of overweight, unkempt and unmotivated 30 and 40 something housewives playing Farmville. Firsthand accounts of their countless hours growing virtual crops on their make believe farms. Missing is the pathetic rundown on their real world efforts at cooking real food for their real children, Kraft Dinner again eh?

Granular Detail Posts

“At Starcocks drinking the new Moca Ice Fuckachino.”, “My little Bobby just pissed in the toilet for the first time on his own.”, “All finished breast feeding at TGI Friday’s.”, “This line up is too long, I’m so bored.”, “These extra zesty chips are so ‘yum’”, “Taking break from gardening, maybe I’m not such a green thumb after all LOL.”

Marketing Army Posts

All that combined human effort Facebook users expend to let each other know which corporate brands they identify with the most, must surely be a sign the day of reckoning is fast approaching. Yes, link to Doritos so we can get one more ad shoe-horned into that news stream courtesy of a fellow user. Facebook users love doing the marketing leg work for companies, as they seem infinitely more motivated about letting everyone know they ‘Like’ Popchips and Lady Gaga than visiting their dieing grandfather in the hospital for his last gasp of air.

OK – You’re Married, We Get It Posts

You were married 2 fucking years ago, TWO YEARS. The distribution of evidence thereof is no longer necessary; we’re all puking at the sight of them now. One more picture of one shoveling that wedding cake into the other’s gullet and I’ll flex test my screen until it shatters into a trillion anger felt pieces showing the universe.

And there you have it folks… The Facebook ecosystem in a nut shell.



All Time Favorites

Champion Car Performance Enhancements

Posted October 5th, 2012 at 5:41 am in All Time Favorites

Want to be the undisputed performance king of the road? These car enhancements will take that tired early 2000’s Dodge Neon or similar car and transform it into that unrelenting beast others will envy for all of eternity. It has been achieved by others (as a trip to the local strip mall proves), now you too can be the talk of the town.

Start with a base 2003 Dodge Neon with 132hp then add…

Raw Horse Power

  • Decals featuring random Japanese performance tuning company logos, use several (+5hp per sticker)
  • Muffler with sound cognizant of a reverberating fart and the appearance of an apple juice can (ultra +30hp gain)
  • Non-functional hood scoop (+40hp performance boost)
  • Adhesive stick-on side air intakes (+15hp per side from improved air flow)

Performance Handling

  • Assorted rear view mirror ornaments to improved driving precision
  • Painting non-Brembo brake calipers red to obtain Brembo equivalent breaking
  • Non-functional boost gauges take your vehicle to the max
  • Imitation carbon fiber hood for light weight agility
  • Retina incinerating ultra-intensity aftermarket blue headlights

Efficiency

  • After market racing spec gas cap door for improved fuel containment (+10mpg)
  • Side window wind deflectors (+5mpg improvement per window)

Security

  • Knight Rider swooping lights on dash – Kitt is protecting your investment 24/7
  • Alarm system featuring circa 1980′s multi-pattern audible warning, ultra sensitivity proximity sensor and remote disarm keychain
  • Chain license plate surround with scrolling LED screen, let them know who’s the man

And there you have it… the blueprint for transforming a $1,980 car with 132hp into a 300+hp mechanical masterpiece, all without touching a single engine part! Truly a ballistic missile of power. Drive on young champion!



All Time Favorites

Technical Support Survival Guide

Posted February 26th, 2008 at 11:02 pm in All Time Favorites

When we surveyed scores of technical support specialists on how they got through the average day of gruelling support requests, the results were to say the least, interesting. In order to remain sane, they often resorted to surprisingly unorthodox ways of dealing with the constant barrage of obnoxious users and technical fuck-ups. Here we present two of the best coping mechanisms that can make even the most disparaged support specialists the happy and diligent workers they were destined to be.

“The Miracle Dice”
When taking technical support calls, always be sure to carry a dice with you. This will become your single most valuable tool in diagnosing customer support issues, regardless of the technology or problem. Simply listen to the customer describe the issue (press mute to laugh), roll the dice, and BANG, problem solved… Each number on the dice corresponds to the appropriate advice:

  1. Reboot computer 
  2. Format hard drive
  3. Reinstall software
  4. Cycle power
  5. Update required
  6. Return for repair

“The Dismount”
Boredom and tedium in the server room is a common problem for network support people. The sub meat locker temperatures and air craft carrier deck noise levels leave you about as sharp as four month old carrots. Spice up your career by taking it to the edge. Seat yourself in front of a core business server… file server, email server, web server, who gives a shit as long as it will wake up a lot of users if it goes down. All you need is one of those crummy pink pencil erasers:

  1. Log into the server console and attempt to dismount the primary drive.
  2. When the system asks “Are you sure you wish to dismount the primary drive?” press the “Y” key.
  3. Stand 3 metres back from the keyboard, and with your basketball skills in top form, lob your eraser at the Enter key.
  4. You have only three attempts, so make them good.
  5. When you succeed, proceed to clean up evidence of your existence and hastily exit the server room.
  6. When you fail, there’s always another day.


All Time Favorites

The Best Crap of Your Life

Posted January 5th, 2008 at 7:16 am in All Time Favorites

We all enjoy a good satisfying shit. But did you know that you can transform a regular shit into a fantastic shit? Just follow our simple eight step guide to the perfect crap! Follow along as we take you into a new chapter in your life…

1. Timing - The right timing makes all the difference… Don’t be so eager that you sit disappointed as you struggle to pinch a loaf; and at the same time don’t wait until you’re touching cloth to drop an atomic. Let your instincts guide you.

2. Attire - Multiple layers of difficult to manage clothes will complicate your shit. Ol’ skool pajama’s with a back-end trap door can keep you warm during longer bombing sessions; but are fashionably impractical in today’s modern world.

3. Bathroom - A tranquil and familiar environment provides for the most pleasant ass blasts. Public restrooms in bus terminals, small town airports, donut stores and gas stations should be avoided at all costs. Home is where the shit goes down, if you have more than one bathroom, choose the one your wife didn’t decorate with cat grass and piss soaked fluffy toilet seat covers.

4. The Toilet - Just like the seat in your car or chair in your office, comfort is important when pushing out turd nuggets. The right height, seat width and elongation can prevent shitter’s sleepy legs on those longer strenuous sessions. This may require the purchase and installation of a new toilet, as many stock toilets builders use in today’s homes are inadequate for the needs of crap masters.

5. Reading Material - There is nothing better than taking a gigantic shit of biblical proportions while going through the entire weekend edition of the local newspaper. The toilet can also make a great place for reading magazines, instruction manuals for your new flat screen TV and other books you’ve been meaning to catch up on.

6. Ventilation - Suffocation on your own excrement fumes is an awful way to die. Skimping on cheap ventilation fans and pathetic little post card sized windows is your one way ticket to the morgue my good friend. Make sure the fan is variable speed so you can lower the fan speed while taking a regular dump to maintain the ambiance; and pump the fan up for when you’re squirting liquid shit from your asshole and you need to constantly exhaust large volumes of air for your survival.

7. Toilet Paper - Quantity and quality are everything. Don’t ruin a perfectly good crap by ending it off with cheap, shitty toilet paper. Softness is the difference between wiping your brown eye with sand paper or satin. Quality is the difference between “I just got shit stank on my hand” single layer toilet paper and “I could clean up nuclear waste and survive” triple layer toilet paper.

8. Deodorizing - When your bowl has been full of E. coli swill for however long it took for you to blast your ass, the bathroom may require detoxification in order for other humans to survive use of the room for hours or even days afterward. Choose something less floral bouquet and more industrial solvent level, we’re dealing with toxins of ungodly power here.



All Time Favorites

Online Dating Reality Check

Posted December 19th, 2007 at 5:11 pm in All Time Favorites

If your gut has ever told you that an online dating site profile you’ve read was full of shit… you were most likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behind what their profiles say.

“Occasional smoker” – If she could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in her mouth, light it on fire, and inhale until her lungs explode… she would. And she would then proceed to spend the rest of her non-smoking time yammering on about how she needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it!

“Occasional drinker” - She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whisky being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall.

“I like to have fun” – Means she never has any fun, has no friends or hobbies, and hopes you’re going to introduce her to all of your fun friends and take her to all of your fun parties and events so she can finally have a life.

“I’m goal oriented” - She will tell you every day about her desperate desires for a better job, and complain that she is above her current job, but will never actually get a better job because she enjoys whining about her current pathetic state of affairs too much.

“Looking for a committed relationship” - She is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none. She would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight!

“Body Size: Average” – The rolls of fat hanging out the sides of her shirt that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a new pack of unbaked Pillsbury bread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size).

“Height: Prefer Not To Say”- She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq it would be like fucking a giraffe.

“I am career minded” - Every day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description of her monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closets and drawers for something to hang yourself with.

“Likes to travel”- Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her folks when she was twelve. She’ll then drone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will. Like all inclusive trips to Cuba where she can discover her alcoholic binge drinking tendencies and rendezvous with strange men for unbridled promiscuous sex in your absence.

“He must be well off” - She doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cash her way so that she can explore the deepest and darkest corners of her consumerism fantasies without restraint.

“Sometimes I do drugs”- If you connected all the needle marks on that constellation of horrors on her arm, you could form a recreation of the Little Dipper! If you do meet her in person and she gives you a fantastic blow-job, you can thank her for her hours of practice on the glass pipe. But you won’t be thanking her for that weeping puss filled blister at the tip of your prick.



All Time Favorites

Bad Conversation Starters

Posted September 26th, 2007 at 3:25 pm in All Time Favorites

Running out of things to say with your woman? You’ll want to shy away from these fiery topics like the plague. Unless of course you don’t care any more and have a morbid curiosity as to how you could instantly sour a conversation and relationship with your girlfriend or wife. These five sure-fire conversation starters will have your face slapped faster than you can say ‘feminism’.

“You look and act just like your mother.” – Nothing is more terrifying to a woman than the prospect of being exactly like their scatter brained, sagging and difficult to cope with mother. Unleash the beast in her by further elaborating on all the different mannerisms that are ‘totally identical’ to her mother.

“Women’s rights have gone too far.” – Even if she isn’t a feminist, this one is always a whirlwind topic. “The glass ceiling should really be the steel barred ceiling so a woman knows her place in society.” comment is an instant train wreck conversation. For the bonus round, mention women’s rights have gone too far at home as well and any reference to kitchen appliances and bare feet will really stir the pot with flying colors!

“Marriage is a barbaric institution.” – For all those women dreaming of that walk down the isle, and that day ‘just for her’, you have snapped that concept in the neck and left it for dead. It’s like when you were young and your father told you that being a comic book writer was a pipe dream… regardless of whether it was or not, you were pissed to hear about it.

“How come both your parents are thin but you aren’t?” – The fact that you have so blatantly stated the obvious about her ever amassing weight, and narrowed it down to her own doing in a single sentence has such an awe inspiring precision to it. After she has taken a moment to gather her thoughts, she will commence a torrent of deficiencies she believes you have. Always educational!

“The Bare Naked Ladies is stupefyingly annoying music.” - Then when you spill the beans that essentially all of her girly music is dumb and nonsensical, you have essentially declared war. Her feeble rebuttal will be limited to, surprisingly enough, your musical taste and most likely extend into your movie, video game and every other thing you listen, watch or wank off to.

Enjoy, and watch your relationship deplete right before your eyes!



All Time Favorites

Mortgage Application Tips

Posted September 9th, 2007 at 2:42 pm in All Time Favorites

Applying for a home mortgage can be an overwhelming and stressful experience. But with the right knowledge, you can make a tremendous difference to the outcome of your initial mortgage application interview. Follow our proven tips for mastering that ominous interview with the bank and be on your way to home ownership before you know it.

Attire - Your usual clothing ensemble of track pants, NASCAR T-shirt and flip-flop sandals are inadequate for such a meeting. Similarly, clothes with vomit, cum, blood and other bodily fluid stains (or that shirt you’re wearing right now with all of these stains) fare poorly during mortgage interviews. For a better alternative, think back to the clothes you wore at the last funeral you went to, except less drab. Find your best shirt and pants, crack open that unused box of detergent in the basement, learn to use your laundry machine and voila, you’re promoted from street puke to a member of the general populous.

Body Odours - Profuse sweating is the body’s natural response to situations of being fucked over with 30 pages of mortgage contracts to sign, this is normal. What’s abnormal is just how putrid the body odors emitting from your rank crotch and arm pits are. Wearing deodorant is highly recommended.

Breath - The fact that your breath smells like a distillery’s sewer from the several shots of rye earlier this morning is not promising. Then again, neither is the alcohol seeping from your pores from the night before, but there is little you can do about that at this point. While brushing your teeth will help lessen the sharp and distinct cocktail of raw alcohol, garlic bread, onion soup and blue cheese you consumed the night before, you really need to gargle mouth wash one step below “im going to kill myself with industrial solvents”.

Personality - Jokes about “Oh, you mean you want me to pay this money back?” or “If you think my ex-wife has a hard time getting alimony, you should see my track record on mortgages! Har dee har har.” are certain death for any hopes of a mortgage. This humor is comparable to the old “There is a bomb in my suitcase” joke at the airport, which ends with equally poor results. Your repertoire of off-colored political, racial and religious jokes are also going to have dire consequences. Think back to your amateur stand up performance with your child’s school enrolment officer, and the subsequent 45 minute bus ride your kid now takes daily to a different school as a result.

Language - Your normal slang riddled ebonics ”I’ve just stepped out of a rap freestyle contest” conversations will certainly hurt your chances for a mortgage. Try learning some words greater than four letters in length and forming complete sentences while discussing the mortgage with your bank representative.

Intended Use – Your planned use of the property as a grow-op, rave venue, porn shoot locale or arms smuggling depot may best not be discussed during the meeting. Banks sometimes prefer less risky investments.

Security - As just mentioned, banks tend to be adverse to risk. So when asked about your other financial commitments and your track record of timely payment, refrain from comments such as “I took them to the cleaners” or “They never saw me coming”. You want to instill a feeling of security in the people whom will be loaning you the money, and such comments may lessen that security. While asking questions is a good thing to do, limit questions such as “What if I don’t feel like paying anymore?” and “Suppose I decided to embrace a more alternative lifestyle half way through?”.

Addictions - It may not be an opportune time to disclose your unquenchable additions to gambling, porn and illicit drugs. Limit the discussion about yourself to topics that are deemed by society as desirable traits, if you have any. If not, refrain from talking unless absolutely necessary. In terms of appearance, dozens of track marks up your arms and glazed over eyes with bags under them are red flags. Wear a long sleeve shirt and if possible abstain from blowing your mortgage deposit money at the casino or snorting lines of crack off your coffee table 24 hours prior to the interview. Drug dependants and casino junkies tend to fall into the “high risk” category.

With all this useful knowledge under your belt, you’re ready to take on that mortgage interview with confidence and a superb chance of accomplishing your goal. Good luck!



All Time Favorites

The Ultimate Farting Guide

Posted September 4th, 2007 at 9:48 pm in All Time Favorites

The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the world’s leading fartology organizations.

1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an “I can’t do it!” frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when it’s release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, “Just let it happen… its ok…”

2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you’re a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you’re partly on your way. If you’re older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbours farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV… Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? It’s about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don’t assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.

3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the body’s ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Let’s travel forth and delve into the world of position and location…

Leg Lift “Elevator” Position

Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side – never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter.

Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus.

Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call.

“Imperial” Throne Position

Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily).

Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart.

Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse the mind and cause “dyer” consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended.

Wal-Mart Fart Position

There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating “brown air” that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume.

Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position.

Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store boxing day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence.

Power Arching

Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the “ass pounding” position you take when getting the quote to have your car’s transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for “customer service” counters at department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit.

Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position.

Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages.

In Conclusion

All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home. Remember, it’s all about position, location and a “can-do” attitude!



All Time Favorites

Car Stereo Ratings

Posted August 29th, 2007 at 2:22 am in All Time Favorites

We’ve all seen good and bad examples of car stereos. Now you have our new ranking system to best describe them. Even if you’re not into the car stereo ‘scene’, you can still tell the difference between guys riding around with a try hard sound system and one that is flat out bodacious.

Our ranking system is based on star ratings from 5 stars being truly an awesome event which you will never forget, to 1 star, something bad enough you wish you could forget. In a way you may find it amusing but in the end they are in fact quite descriptive and you can use them with friends so they know exactly what you’re talking about when describing someone’s car stereo.

1 STAR – Desperation on Wheels

Wow that chick jogging past me has her earphones up loud - I can almost make out the song pla… Hold on a second, that isn’t her, that’s the shitty 80′s something hatchback parked across from me with some doofus driver that’s dressed like he’s out of a B rated version of Boyz N The Hood.

Characteristics: Those 4 full range factory speakers are being pushed way past their limit, crackling and popping more than a bowl of Rice Krispies. You could get better musical fidelity out of a megaphone at a track and field event. Look for the hanging pine air freshener and a heavily faded Garfield doll suction cupped to the back window.

2 STARS – Tincan Man

Hahaha, what’s that sound? Oh shit! Its right beside me! I could probably spit louder (and hopefully hit their car). Sounds like the car beside me has it up “pretty loud” (cough cough)… Maybe I should warn him about the possibility of hearing loss, he must be pushing, ohh, 85dB!!! Hahaha!

Characteristics: Usually a level up from a stock system, with a “power booster EQ” under the glove box. Full volume, you’re witnessing popping sounds and distortion like the music is being played through a sand pipe! Look for the KENWOOD sticker on the back window. Even better, look for an ALPINE sticker and then see if the car actually HAS any ALPINE gear in it hahaha.

3 STARS – The Juvenile Committee

What is that? Surely that’s not another car going by playing “Another Night” by Real McCoy? Shit, it is! An awful lot of crappy treble coming out of that car. Ahhh that’s because its got a row of… FOUR 6×9′s on the back shelf!?!?! As the car goes by you can see the LOUD light glowing on the tape deck. But that’s funny, there isn’t any bass… I could have sworn there was a bass line in that song? Why does that guy have his head hanging out the window looking for people to notice the car? I only did accidentally. Also notice the absurd collection of stuff hanging off the rear view mirror, how dire!

Characteristics: No bass, an abundance of treble, not a terrible amount of distortion but this is only because they got the volume one notch below total catastrophic melt down.

4 STARS – Rolling Disco

Someone’s out with their sound system turned up and windows down! But where? Ohhh, I heard it from that far? Geez, if my ears are in pain, what about that guy in the back seat scratching on the windows trying to get out! The power cable running from the battery to the amps is probably thicker than my leg!

Characteristics: Bass notes are pronounced and hard hitting, but aren’t knocking you over. Treble is reallllyyy loud which seems to be trying to make up for the muddy mids? Hmmmmm. Watch for the Knight Rider alarm light blinking back and forth on the dash!

5 STARS – The Earthquake Epicentre

WHAT is that sound? An earth quake? Horrendous storm? The arrival of God? You drop to your knees and pray in anticipation of God’s arrival, only to realize that the colossal amount of sound waves relentlessly pounding your body are in fact someone’s car! Oh my! Struggling to stand back up, you brush the dust off your knees, experiencing severe disorientation and an unsettling combination of nausia and being on the fringe of an orgasm. It is hard to tell how badly your ears are bleeding because your vision is so blurred from the bass lines. But the bits of ear drum in your hands are an indicator things aren’t good. Wonder if the guy in the car is human?

Characteristics: This car is a mandatory head turner that will have a special place in your heart for your remaining days alive. The car’s subwoofers give you a pressure sensation in your chest only equalled by the astounding levels of spine tingling treble. Basically a live concert for everyone within several city blocks.



All Time Favorites

Official CNN Drinking Game

Posted August 9th, 2007 at 10:13 am in All Time Favorites

This drinking game, unlike others, is guaranteed to get you absolutely and completely shit faced drunk in well under an hour, so you can be on your way to projectile vomiting long before the night is over. So gather your alcoholic friends around the idiot box, because it’s time to finally get up to date with world events and get fucking plastered at the same time, its the Official CNN Drinking Game! Yay!

Game Objective

To binge drink yourself until you’re either retching up tacos in the back yard; on a operating table having your stomach pumped; or unconscious on the bathroom floor being sleep fucked by your best friend.

How to Play

Number of Players
2 to 10 – having more than 10 puts a strain on the local ambulance supply.

Items Needed
One pair of dice; kegs of beer; plenty’o'booze; 1 mickie of rum.

How To Play
Tune into CNN (no, I don’t know what bloody channel it is!). Each time you hear or see one of the keywords listed below in the Game Table, slam the corresponding amount and type of alcohol down your pie hole. The first one convulsing on the floor with flailing arms and legs, wins!

Game Table – What The Fuck Is That?
The “If you hear…” column means any time you hear an announcer, news person, an interviewer or interviewee saying the keyword. “If you read…” means any time you see the keyword on that annoying ticker at the bottom the screen, in a title or elsewhere on the screen during a news broadcast.

Qualifying Beverages
“Booze” refers to gin, vodka, Bacardi, bourbon, rum, no pantie waist coolers or ciders. “Beer” refers to real beer that is 4.5% or above. “Skull” is defined as to complete a full standard sized container or glass of beer or booze. “Swig” is a large gulp of a drink. “Sip” is defined as the typical amount you would drink each time you are usually taking a hit of booze, “nursing it sips” are not permitted.

Disqualification
Players who dribble beer out the sides of their mouth pieces when skulling are disqualified. Any attempts to water down or lessen the alcoholic content of a shot or beer is deemed a gaylord for all of eternity and that player is definitely disqualified.

Bonus Play
If you hear any three or more keywords in a single sentence (example “Members of the Iraq terrorist regime have assembled weapons of mass destruction aimed at Paris Hilton’s estate.”) means all players must role a pair of dice once; player with highest number must skull that mickie of rum you were wondering about. Can someone say “trashed beyond recognition?” Ouch!

Disputes
If any two or more players are caught bitching about who drank what and how and it’s unfounded, they both have to man up and skull a beer. We’re all here for the common goal of getting wasted, not to bicker like a bunch of clucking hens. Grow up and drink god damn it.

Game Table

Keyword If You Hear If You Read
weapons of mass destruction 1 skull beer 1 skull booze
terror alert 1 swig of beer 1 swig of booze
terrorist 1 swig of beer 1 swig of booze
regime 1 swig of beer 1 swig of booze
war 1 sip of beer 1 sip of booze
Iraq 1 sip of beer 1 sip of booze
Iran 1 sip of beer 1 sip of booze
Paris Hilton 2 sips of beer 2 sips of booze
Britany Spears 1 sip of beer 1 sip of booze




 


Text Messages

 
David (Sep 02):

That fart was worse than pig shit in a gym bag.



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