Dirty Jokes

Guy says to his wife, “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now!”

The wife looks at him with a smile and says “Ohhhh, you horny bastard you!”

Guy reples “No seriously, hockey is starting… fuck off upstairs!”

A guy finally gets hitched with his long time sweetheart. Right from the first night of their honeymoon, he was gravely concerned about the unfortunate size of his small dick. He decided the best thing he could do was to substitute his dick with a pickle, hoping this would satisfy his new wife. After a week of humping her with the pickle, it was clear that the pickle solved the problem.

Elapse seven years later, he still used a pickle instead of his tiny dick, but not without growing concern he would one day be caught.

One night, while the two were fornicating, something made thewife suspicious that all was not perfect. She quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights. Looking down at the pickle in his hand the wife shouted, “What the hell is that! Are you using a pickle on me? I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that… you piece of shit!” The man responded loudly, “Shut the fuck up! It’s been seven years and I never asked where the hell all those kids came from!”

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!”

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass.”

One night after watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, a man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting rather frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.” The man replied, “Is that your final answer?” She said “Yes.” “OK, then I’d like to phone a friend.” he replied.

I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.” I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Union Station,” answered the woman. “You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?” The driver replies, “Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.” The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?” Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”

At a session with their marriage counselor, the wife snaps at her husband “That’s not true! I do so enjoy sex!” Then, turning to the counselor, she explains “But this animal expects it four or five times a year!”

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely…

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”

The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear, dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. “It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age.” the neighbor said. “Sexuality my ass!” The mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”