Dirty Jokes

A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to the local pet store. The salesman says, “I have the perfect pet for you… a toothless hamster.” The guy says, “Nah, I don’t think so.” The salesman continues his sales pitch, “But it gives great head!” The guy agrees to buy the hamster and takes it home. Later that evening, his wife returns home and upon seeing the hamster screams, “What the hell is that thing?” The guy replies, “Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out.”

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 21. When they got into bed the night after their wedding, he held up three fingers. “Oh honey!” said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?” “No…” said the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”

A man phones work and says “Sorry, can’t come in today, I’m sick.”

The boss says “How sick are you?”

“Well…” the man replies “You be the judge – I’m in bed with my sister.”

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?” He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.” The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.” He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards.  In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’ll wish you had a fucking club and a spade.

Guy says to his wife, “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now!”

The wife looks at him with a smile and says “Ohhhh, you horny bastard you!”

Guy reples “No seriously, hockey is starting… fuck off upstairs!”

A guy finally gets hitched with his long time sweetheart. Right from the first night of their honeymoon, he was gravely concerned about the unfortunate size of his small dick. He decided the best thing he could do was to substitute his dick with a pickle, hoping this would satisfy his new wife. After a week of humping her with the pickle, it was clear that the pickle solved the problem.

Elapse seven years later, he still used a pickle instead of his tiny dick, but not without growing concern he would one day be caught.

One night, while the two were fornicating, something made thewife suspicious that all was not perfect. She quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights. Looking down at the pickle in his hand the wife shouted, “What the hell is that! Are you using a pickle on me? I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that… you piece of shit!” The man responded loudly, “Shut the fuck up! It’s been seven years and I never asked where the hell all those kids came from!”

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!”

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass.”

One night after watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, a man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting rather frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.” The man replied, “Is that your final answer?” She said “Yes.” “OK, then I’d like to phone a friend.” he replied.

I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.” I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”