Dirty Jokes

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane, and soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded, “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well…” she explained “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native America Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that lovers with the best stamina are from the Southern states of America.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”

“Tonto.” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Stuart said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked. The wife agreed. Later that night at the table the wife said, “Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.” The husband replied, “That’s because they’re sitting in your soup.”

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing… You’re just like Frank!”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star – you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow indeed. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his fuckin’ wife.”

A couple are sitting in the living room one evening, and the wife starts to watch a cooking show on the television.

The husband asks, “What you watching that for? You can’t cook!”

Wife replies, “You watch porn don’t you?”

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. “Ah…” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.” “That’s what you think!” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.” The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.

“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.

“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.”

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.

“No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.”

“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”

“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.” replied Cobber.

“Spot on.” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”

“Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”

“No…” Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!”

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the sex session she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks “How did you know?”. “Easy!” replied the male doctor, “You’re always washing your hands.” She then says “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.” Male doctor asks, ”Wow… how did you guess?” The female doctor answer ”I didn’t feel a thing.”

A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to the local pet store. The salesman says, “I have the perfect pet for you… a toothless hamster.” The guy says, “Nah, I don’t think so.” The salesman continues his sales pitch, “But it gives great head!” The guy agrees to buy the hamster and takes it home. Later that evening, his wife returns home and upon seeing the hamster screams, “What the hell is that thing?” The guy replies, “Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out.”