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Dirty Jokes
Our benchmark collection of disgustingly filthy jokes are great for everything from livening up that depressing funeral procession to breaking the ice with your income tax auditor. Whatever the occasion, you can stoop to new lows when you’re high on our dirty jokes!
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. “What’s going on here?” he asks. The guy sobs, “I was driving along and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car then tied me up to this tree and then left.” The cop studied the guy for a moment, pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. “I guess this isn’t your lucky day, pal.”
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says “Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!”. Billy says, “Ok mommy.” and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams “MOMMY! I’m still blind, my wish didn’t come true!”, the mom answered, “I know - April Fools!”
Three guys are discussing women. “I like to see a woman’s tits best.” the first guy says. The second says “I like to look at a woman’s ass.” Both guys turn to the third guy and ask ”What about you?” to which he replies ”Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.”
This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, “I want to kill my wife.” “I’m sorry Sir,” the pharmacist replied, “but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can’t sell you any Cyanide.” The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, “I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you… I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says “Hi there good looking, how’s it going?”
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it.” To which he says “No kidding? I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret, as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!” “Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.” “Who is the third rose from?” she asked. “Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”
Two drunks are standing at the front door of a whorehouse. The first drunk says, “I heard half these broads have the clap and that none of them would think twice about stealing every penny we’ve got.” The second drunk says, “Not so loud, or they won’t let us in.”
The Doctor says ”Your wife either has Alzheimer’s or AIDS.” To which the husband asks ”How can we find out which?” The Doctor replies ”I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don’t fuck her.”
A man was complaining to his friend, “I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman… then, poof! It was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “My wife found out.”
One day a mother walked into the bathroom to find her little son Tommy furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, young man?!” she yelled. “Don’t try to stop me!” Johnny warned. “I’m gonna do this three times a day, because there’s no way I’m gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister’s.”
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