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Dirty JokesOur benchmark collection of disgustingly filthy jokes are great for everything from livening up that depressing funeral procession to breaking the ice with your income tax auditor. Whatever the occasion, you can stoop to new lows when you’re high on our dirty jokes!
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret, as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!” “Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.” “Who is the third rose from?” she asked. “Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”
Two drunks are standing at the front door of a whorehouse. The first drunk says, “I heard half these broads have the clap and that none of them would think twice about stealing every penny we’ve got.” The second drunk says, “Not so loud, or they won’t let us in.”
The Doctor says ”Your wife either has Alzheimer’s or AIDS.” To which the husband asks ”How can we find out which?” The Doctor replies ”I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don’t fuck her.”
A man was complaining to his friend, “I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman… then, poof! It was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “My wife found out.”
One day a mother walked into the bathroom to find her little son Tommy furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, young man?!” she yelled. “Don’t try to stop me!” Johnny warned. “I’m gonna do this three times a day, because there’s no way I’m gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister’s.”
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. “Check this out!” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we should do with it?” With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it.”
A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him “Dad, what does a pussy look like?” The Dad confused, asks him “Before or after sex?” The kid replies “Ummm… before sex.” So the dad says to him “Well have you ever seen a beautiful rose with it’s soft red peddles?” “Yes.” says the son before continuing “What about after sex?” His dad replies, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”
A young lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.” The son thanks his mom, and later in the day meets up with his father and asks his opnion, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?” The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”
Happy with their two beautiful teenage daughters, but still wanting a son, a couple decided to try one more time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to discover the ugliest child he had ever seen. The man went back to his wife and said “There’s no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I’ve had!” He glared at his wife. “Have you been fooling around on me?” The wife answered, ”Not this time.”
Tom’s grandfather left him ten million dollars and it was the very next week his long time girlfriend Jane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Tom noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men’s names! Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. “Jane, the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died” “Don’t be ridiculous…” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!” |
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