Dirty Jokes

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the bastards they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote “Returned unopened.”

A small grandson that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the mall.

The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”

The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandpa.”

The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?” to which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.”

Sex with 3 people is called a threesome.
Sex with 2 people is called a twosome.
That explains why they call you handsome!

An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the soldier ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. “Private…” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal of bravery. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”

“Warehouses!?” the soldier shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well…” said her mother, “How was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, mamma!” she replied, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”

Suddenly she burst out in tears. “But mamma, as soon as we returned, Tom started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful four letter words! You’ve got to take me home… PLEASE MAMMA!”

“Sarah, Sarah…” her mother said, “Calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now tell me, what could be so awful? What four letter words did he say?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, Mamma!” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!”

“Darling, baby, you have to tell your mother these horrible four letter words.”

Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mamma … he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook…”

“I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes.” said the mother.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The man replied “I work for the IRS.”

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, “I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime, but I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.” The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, “Did you have a good trip, dear?” The man replies, “Yep, the fishing was great… but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.” His wife smiles and says, “Oh, no I didn’t… I put them in your tackle box.”

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young and stunningly attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. “You wanna wank?” she asked. “You bet!” came the excited reply. “Alright…” she said. “I’ll come back in ten minutes.”

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “And you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.