Dirty Jokes

Big Game Hunter Joke Posted March 8th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”

His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”

Son of a Bitch Joke Posted February 27th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”

“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”

“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”

Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.

“Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen”

“Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.. What should I do with it?”

“Why, eat it! Of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!”

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

“Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”

Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, “Father!”

“It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

“I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

“What are you doing Sister?”

“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner”

“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”

“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.”

“Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”

“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.

“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added,” And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You fuckers are my kind of people.”

Banging Girl Joke Posted February 24th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

This guy is banging a girl, and the girl asks, “You haven’t got AIDS have you?” He replies, “Nope.” She responds, “Oh, thank fuck for that! I don’t want to get that again!”

Amish Women Joke Posted February 11th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

A couple of Amish women were picking potatoes in a field one autumn day. The first woman had two potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, “These potatoes remind me of my husband’s testicles.” The other woman said “Are his testicles that big???” The first woman replied, ” No, they’re that filthy.”

Doctor’s Office Visit Joke Posted February 5th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

A guy walks into a doctor’s office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. “What happened to you?” asked the doctor. “Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.” Puzzled, the doctor asks “What mistake was that?” The guy replies, “I said ‘Hey this looks like yours hun!’”

Prisoners Group Joke Posted January 29th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn, speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says “My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder.” Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says “My name is Mike and I’m in for armed robbery.” Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says “My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for.” The group leader says “Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.”

“Alright then… I’m in for fucking dogs.” Everyone is disgusted! They shout “What!!?? How low can you get!” To which Luke replies, “Well… I did manage do to a Dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little.”

Pregnant Woman Joke Posted January 21st, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to ask you…” The doctor interrupts “I know… I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it…” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

Which Enjoys Sex More Joke Posted January 15th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument over which gender enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything!” the woman countered. “Think about this… when your ear itches and you put your finger in it to scratch, then pull it out, which feels better – your ear or your finger?”

Waltzing Home Joke Posted January 13th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?” she snarled. ”There is…” he replied. “Breakfast.”

Train to Paris Joke Posted January 4th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

Mr. Johnson and his secretary are on a train heading to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has a crush on her boss, says in a seductive voice says, “I’m a little cold, could I borrow your blanket?” Her boss replies “How would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile?” The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. He then says “Good, then you can get your own fucking blanket.”

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