Dirty Jokes

Naked Passenger Joke Posted August 31st, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Union Station,” answered the woman. “You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?” The driver replies, “Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.” The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?” Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”

Happy and Sad Joke Posted August 6th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”

Enjoying Sex Joke Posted August 2nd, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

At a session with their marriage counselor, the wife snaps at her husband “That’s not true! I do so enjoy sex!” Then, turning to the counselor, she explains “But this animal expects it four or five times a year!”

Stranded On An Island Joke Posted July 29th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely…

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”

The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

Playing Doctor Joke Posted July 20th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear, dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. “It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age.” the neighbor said. “Sexuality my ass!” The mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”

Rape Game Joke Posted July 16th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

Husband says to his wife “Do you fancy playing the rape game?” Wife says, “No.” Husband replies “That’s the spirit!”

Terrible Car Accident Joke Posted July 6th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the emergency room and says his wife’s been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor and minutes later he comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks. “Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?” The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”

“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?” Dr. Smith says “Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.” Mr. Jones begins to sob. “And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. “Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and the diapers must be changed throughout the day.” Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues, “You’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. “Hey, I’m just fucking with you, she’s dead.”

Marriage Counselor Joke Posted July 2nd, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says, “For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common.” The husband says “Well, neither of us suck dick.”

Farmer and the Friend Joke Posted June 22nd, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t look at the cows. His friend suggests a veterinarian should have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted, “The bull has not only taken care of all my cows, but also broke through the fence, and even serviced all my neighbor’s cows!” “Wow!” exclaims his friend, “What did the vet do to that bull?” The farmer replies, ”Just gave him some pills.” “What kind of pills?” asks his friend. “I don’t know, but they kinda taste like peppermint.”

Doctor and Wife Joke Posted June 8th, 2010 in Dirty Jokes

A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer the phone?” The wife responds, “I was in bed.” Puzzled the doctor asked “What were you doing in bed this late?” To which the wife replied, “Getting a second opinion.”

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