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Dr Thatslife AdviceDr Thatslife gives you the toughest answers to your toughest questions. Often less than flattering, usually offensive, but always valuable for those relationship questions you need the straight goods on. Dr Thatslife has spent years helping the helpless, now it’s your turn!
“I dated my ex-boyfriend exactly a year ago for a few weeks. We broke up and parted as friends, still talking on the phone all the time. He stared going out with a girl a month or two after we broke up and they are still dating. I have to be honest and say that when we were going out I didn’t have any feelings for him. Well I started hearing from friends that he had feelings for me a few months after he was going out with his current girlfriend. At this point I began to realize that I had feelings for him too. We are extremely close, and we stay up talking until 3 in the morning every weekend, and when we’re not together we talk on the phone every night. He is literally my best friend and he says I am his too. He tells me things that he is scared to tell his girlfriend. She treats him sooo shitty!!! I hate it so much. Well I confronted him about having feelings for me, and he said that he did. So I admitted that I have feelings for him too. We went for a drive one night and ended up in a field under the stars. You can guess what happened… we were there for a few hours and it was two in the morning. He is still going out with his girlfriend and is “deciding what to do”. So my question is, what should I do??? Obviously I am not going to let him make out with me than let him go to his girlfriend’s house to get some. He says that he loves me, but is scared to leave her (they’ve been together for a year). Should I cut off contact or something? I don’t know what to do! It has been nearly a week and he is still thinking! Please help me! As soon as you can! Please! Thanks”
What is different from when you broke up with him a year ago and now? You keep talking about these new found “feelings” you are having for him and vise versa, but why didn’t you have them when you were actually going out with him? Could you give me a list of things that spurred the feelings on other then “we talk on the phone a lot” and “we bonked in the park?” You need to ask yourself what REALLY made you “realize” you had feelings for him. That you were alone? That he had someone else? Or that you genuinely realized what he meant to you. Be brutally honest with yourself on this one or your going to be wasting a lot of time here. If she treats him so shitty…WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL WITH HER? Does he just sit there and put up with it like a little girl or what? If he is scared to leave someone that treats him like shit you have to wonder about him! Why wouldn’t you let him bonk you and then go and do it with his girlfriend? SHE IS HIS GIRLFRIEND and he has made it clear that he has a girlfriend. What the heck do you expect? It also demonstrates his character to you… He has a girlfriend, but is screwing you, even when he doesn’t know he is breaking up with his current girlfriend. Is that the kind of guy you want? Just remember, if you two are going out and a year down the road he gets bored and starts “sampling” some other chick, you can’t say this situation didn’t warn you he would! Why cut off contact? He sounds like an ok FRIEND from what you have told me, getting into a full blown relationship with him is a different story. I honestly don’t imagine he is thinking to hard on this whole thing. He sounds like he’s the kind of guy that isn’t too bright in the decision making department. I’m sure if you left it to him, he would be “thinking” about it all of next week too.. Id say leave it to him. That is always the best way to find out what other people think of you… leaving the initiative to them to call or visit you. That’s when you will have your clear answer and until then I would just sit back and see what happens… That’s life!
“Hi there well I have this cousin who is a best mate and well both of us have girls friends and one day when I was with his girl friend I walked her home to her house ( cause I thought it was the right thing to do ) and she invited me in so I went in and she said that she thought I was really sexy and she wanted to have sex with me and well I did do it accidentally and well now I feel bad cause I cheated on my girl friend and my cousin doesn’t know that I had sex with his girl friend. What should I do I need help really badly?”
Wow Craig… You really fucked things up big time… “Accidentally” of course! I mean none of us ever actually have sex on purpose, we just slip up and bang… we are porkin’ some ohhh… cousin’s girlfriend… Craig, there are two ways you can approach this problem. One, you can do it the easy way, and not tell anyone, hoping that nobody ever finds out. Or two, be up front, honest and willing to be a man and tell them that you were a complete fucking moron, had sex with your cousins girlfriend and it won’t happen again. You did this to a family member man, that’s pretty fucked up. It’s bad enough dicking the girlfriend of a guy you don’t know - but your own cousin? My advice is to take option two without hesitation. If you guys are all fairly close, like it sounds you are, this sort of stuff eventually gets found out. Wouldn’t you rather be honest and tell, rather then these people finding out later on. They will hate you a lot more for it if you had kept it a secret and they just happened to find out. I know it’s tough advice, but that’s the only advice I can ever give in fucked up circumstance like this. When doing this you should also tell your cousins girlfriend that she should do the same. When you are honest with people about things you regret, it really does help the situation. It tells them that you recognize what you have done is wrong and you want to correct it. Keeping it a secret says to the other person or people “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU!”… That just gets them, understandably, pretty damn upset with you. And yes, not telling someone something is just as bad as lying to them about it. That’s Life!
“For 5 months I was seeing the most beautiful girl that I have ever met, she was funny, and had a spirit like nothing else. I found out that for 4 out of the five months that I was with her she had another boyfriend in England, and another up country from where I was. Initially I was angry, but I was in love with her. A month later we have got back together, but I cant stop wondering if she will do it again. I love her and she tells me that she loves me, but can I trust her, has she learnt her lesson? During the time we were apart she was so unhappy, now she seams a lot happier in general. Am I doing the right thing being back with her?”
If you need to ask me a question like that, your love for her is blinding you! I want to ask YOU a question. If she was cheating on you with not one, but TWO other guys the first time around, what the FUCK would possibly make you think that has changed this time? Even if she has learned her “lesson” like you think… How long is that really going to last before she’s looking for a new cock or two on the side? Keep in mind that you FOUND OUT about her little side deals, imagine if you hadn’t? You would still be merrily chugging along with her while she gets her jollies with the guy in England. What if she does it to you again, but she’s a bit more smart in hiding it? Imagine the other stuff she probably hasn’t told you about! If she lies about who she is seeing, she probably lies about other things as well to you. Guess that’s the chance your taking… You know what? I bet she wasn’t unhappy. Why would she be? She’s got her other two cocks ..errr.. guys to keep her happy! I would say she isn’t worth it, unless she comes up with some pretty amazing reasons why you should trust her again Rick. That’s unfortunately life…
“I’ve been dating this guy for almost 9 months and everything’s great. The only problem is that my parents don’t know about it. My parents are very strict and want me to date boys that are Chinese. My boyfriend is Caucasian, three years older than me, and doesn’t go to college. My parents think he’s not good enough for me and too old for me. They think he’s only my friend and that I haven’t been talking to him since I came to college in the fall. I feel bad lying to them and angry when they say bad things about him, but I wish they would accept the fact that we are a serious couple. My older siblings have had this problem too, and my parents are always telling me to not turn out like them. I feel that they are forcing me to live my life by fixing the mistakes my siblings made. I want my parents to know about us, but I think they will disown me. I just wish my parents would be happy for me because I’m happy. What should I do?”
In the first part of your message you say that your parents “don’t know about it”, later on you say “you wish they would accept the fact that we are a serious couple.” Have you really given them a chance? I think you really need to break it to them pronto and stop beating around the bush. Nine months of sneaking around is a bullshit waste of time and effort. They will find out eventually, why not just let them know now so you can save yourself all the hassle and hard times worrying about what they think. Alrighty then, lets break it down. Does the fact that he is Caucasian mean ANYTHING? Hell no! Your parents definitely need to get with the times on that one. 3 years older then you? Shit - you want to know how many piles and piles of consultations I get with girls around 18 wanting to know how to break it to their parents their going out with a 32 year old!? 3 years is perfectly fine, they need to get real on that one too! No college? Me neither, so what? News flash - not everyone in America is going to college! You can be successful in this world without a god damn receipt …err… I mean diploma. The real question is, are you having fun with him? Yes!? Then he’s perfect for you. Its that simple Sue. Keeping in mind after all this - YOUR 18, you can make your own bloody decisions as to who you date and who you don’t date. They aren’t the ones spending all the time with this guy, YOU ARE. Your parents are just going to have to cop it. So basically, you sit them down, and in a calm manner, explain to them the situation, tell them that you really enjoy being with this guy, don’t hide the amount of time you have been going out with the guy… 9 months will only prove that he isn’t a passing trend and that you are actually taking things seriously. Tell them they need to give him a chance, and that it would mean a lot to you. Sue… I highly doubt they will disown you just because of the boyfriend you pick. So good luck, listen to what they have to say, don’t get ultra emotional. Give them facts and reasons behind why they should accept your boyfriend and hopefully everything will turn out for the better. That’s Life!
“It all started last Christmas when I was going down to my local pub a lot and spending a lot of time with the barmaid there. She is the manager there and she has two kids and at the time she was not involved with anyone. I was at college at the time and as you can imagine I was always penniless. This woman asked me to help her out with babysitting which I was more than happy to do as I needed the money and she was a good friend. After I babysat she would come back and we would have a chat about mine and her problems and we became very close as friends and at this point I had no feelings for her in anyway apart from being friends. After New Years eve I babysat again, but this time when she came back she broke down and started crying so I tried my best to comfort and we ended up messing about on the sofa for about 5 hours, but we didn’t have sex. My problem is that ever since then our relationship is not the same she doesn’t talk to me anymore and we just cannot communicate the way we used to. I mean even the next day we didn’t talk about what had happened. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t fallen head over heels for her I just wish that we could be back to how we where. Any ideas ???? She is 32 by the way.”
Hmmm obviously the ol’ romp session on the couch hampered the conversation factor big time. The combination of what happened with the screwing around on the couch and the embarrassment of her breaking down and crying in front of you have caused an awkwardness. YOU need to take initiative and break it. Ask her over to your place, take her out, whatever… talk to her about the situation. Tell her how you feel and be open with her. First say that since the night of what happened, conversation between you two just hasn’t been the same - and you want it back the way it was. She will most likely agree that she feels the same. Ask her how she feels about that night, about your friendship and about this lack of conversation. Be sensitive to how she feels, its not everyone’s ideal situation to break down in front of their friends, then start making out with them. You need to make it clear to her that you don’t want the friendship to be lost or compromised because of what happened, and that you want to put it behind the two of you and regain what you had. If your communication is as good as you told me it was before this happened, things should turn out for the better. That’s Life!
“This girl I work with has become one of my best friends. We have a lot of fun when we work together, because no one really monitors us. We go out occasionally as friends and hang out at each others house. When we goof around like drawing on each other with markers or there is a lot of touching going on. I think I’m starting to like her and I’m not sure if I should ask her out or how I should ask help me, thank you.”
Guy, if she’s drawing with markers on you and playing the touching game, your in! Go for it man, in stead of asking “should I?” ask, “why wouldn’t I?”. Sounds like you two hit it off well, why not hit it off really well? Just break it to her when you two are out on one of your “occasional hanging out” sessions and just say something along the lines of “I really enjoy the time we spend together and I was hoping to take it to the next level”. Not in those words of course because they are just plain cheesy, but you get the picture. Also you need to make it very clear to her that no matter what her answer is or whatever happens, you still want to at least be friends and that her friendship is very valuable to you. If you’re worried that she is going to give you the big “access denied”, its just part of the risk you got to take to get something good - right? The only thing I can add, is a warning. Keep in mind your working with this chick. Say for example you two decide to start dating, she’s in your face all day, and then regularly at night. Is this something that you don’t mind, or is it going to be overdose before long? Also, if things for some reason fuck up in the relationship, guess what? She’s still working there too - holy awkward Batman! But hey, that’s life…
“Well, I just started high school a couple months ago and I didn’t have many friends the year before. When I came here I almost instantly got along with the people I met and I’m much happier. The problem is, they all talk to me at school and consider themselves my friends, but none ever invites me anywhere or asks me to do anything. There have been a few guys who asked for my number but they all either never called or we hung out and they just tried to get into my pants. I’m incredibly lonely and need advice, please help.”
When I read your consultation, I cannot help but ask if YOU invite THEM to things or are you just sitting back waiting for them to make the move? It sounds like you have friends, so that’s not the problem. What it seems to be, is that you need to extend the relationships with these people outside of the school environment. This is a common thing where people at work, school or an organization they are in enjoy the friendship of people, but never actually take it any further. What have you done that would promote them to invite you? Look at it this way, you aren’t getting invited by them to do anything so you haven’t invited them. Works both ways… Set up something like a girls night out, have a group over to your house, invite friends to go hang out or whatever. If they go to it and have a good time, they will be inviting you to do things with them. Before you know it you are an integral part of that group of people. Works the same with individuals. If you are wondering why you haven’t been invited to parties and stuff by a good friend of yours at school, that friend is probably wondering the same thing about you. However, if you do invite them to things, and none of them show up, give shit ass excuses for not showing up, or still don’t invite you after a couple nights out - then it may be other problems. But I do think from the sounds of what you told me, it should all be fine and you should make an effort to invite these people to things and see what happens. That’s Life!
“I have known this guy for almost 6 years. We are really good friends but have mutual feelings about taking the relationship to the next level. A couple of years ago we tried dating but it really didn’t work out that well. We live about 2 hours away from each other and our phone conversations are not always that exciting. SO we just kind of left it to being friends and that was that. Then about 3 weeks ago we started talking about possibly dating again. Things would be really weird between us but I know we both have romantic feelings about one another. Only problems I have are that he was locked up for 2 years. It wasn’t for anything really serious. Just for having a big party with alcohol at his house and he was under age. If we try this again I want to make sure it will work so here are the questions I have for you. 1) Should I date him again? 2) How can I make are phone conversations more exciting? I would like to lets say sort of seduce him! I want him to know that I want him and I want to be able to tell him that. I am just not sure how too. Please help! Thanks!”
Why bother? You are telling me that realistically your lifeline of this relationship is the phone unless one of you are going to drive two hours to hook up. But your phone conversations sound like they suck! Examine why they suck, if you have nothing to say to each other, or its just a shit conversation, that may say a lot about what you two have got going on. Barring the fact you may lead boring lives and may not have anything to talk about. What would make you think that dating him will work out any better this time then last? Has something changed, are you two different people now, is there a circumstance that was prohibiting you from having a relationship that worked before that doesn’t exit now? A relationship that is two hours away really needs to be for someone you really love and is worth the travel time. I can’t honestly say, based on what you have told me, you have that to look forward to at the end of your voyage. Unless you have left out huge details about what its like dating this guy. You really need to ask yourself what spurred the “possibility of dating again?” How often have you been seeing him? Are there other reasons (you are going to have to be very honest with yourself on this one) as to why you are wanting a relationship with him. To answer your two questions, the first one I think I have made pretty clear my answer. You need to seriously evaluate WHY you want to date this guy. Your second question… You need to initiate things into the conversation that will, make it interesting, possibly add flare, enticement to continue talking and a dab of debate or point of view. Try and have a deep and meaningful conversation with him about life. It may sound goofy, but why not talk about aspirations, dreams, ideas, futures, favorite things about each other. If your talking about all of yours, and asking him about any of those things and he’s just blank, that’s not good. Those deep sort of conversations tell you A LOT about another person. Talk about world events, be opinionated, seek feedback on issues. Talk about anything that is happening around you! If you are talking about current wars, or the “yet another” hurricane sweeping Florida, or stuff along those lines and he’s still going “Uh, yeah…” or “Umm, guess so.” then he probably is just a boring person to talk to and its time to move on. There needs to be challenge in conversations or there is no point in having them. And a good relationship COMPLETELY depends on good communication. If you are bringing up all these interesting topics and its just dead air coming from the other side of the phone and your wondering if he is in a coma, you need to tell him. Explain that the conversation is really lacking in substance, ask if there is a reason! Is what you are saying important to him? You want to be dating someone with ideas or some sort of opinion or vision. To wrap this up, ask yourself why you want this guy. If you decide that you really do want him, you need to work on the phone calls for the relationship to last long. As for him….Two years locked up because of a party at his joint? That sucks! But that’s life!
“Well, I’ve fantasized about this girl for along time. I think she is beautiful and would dearly like to go out with her. There are two problems. One is that through others experience, it is known that she is not always faithful. While going out with one guy, she will often get with others at parties etc. Secondly I have got to decide which way to ask her out. I’m a bit shy and sadly, fear rejection, but I will work out that problem when I come to it. Please tell me whether I should put aside her past and go for it, or try to find another woman.”
We need to really focus on your first problem, and discard the second if you’re telling me that you can work out that problem. If you know that she has played around on guys at parties in the past, that won’t change. You need to decide if that bothers you, and what kind of relationship you wish to form with her. If you are like many, you will want some sort of relationship that doesn’t include guys at the parties she goes to. Or you may want a more “open” type of relationship. One that is much more accepting of a “party episode” occurring. Either way, what she has done in the past and how she went about doing it says a lot about her character and who she is. Truth and commitment isn’t her strong points. If you are thinking…”Oh, she was probably drunk and didn’t know what she was doing at those parties, so its not as if she meant to bang those guys! Things just happen!”, your wrong. She was still making the decisions, and if your drunk or not, it still takes two to fuck. She most likely gets drunk at the parties to attract the guys she wants. If you’re really keen on her, I would recommend starting it out as a friendship first. See what it is like to be with her. Remember you have only been FANTASIZING about her with probably little to go on, and for a long time. Just because you gawk at her every time she walks by you and you have to pick your jaw up off the floor, doesn’t mean you know anything about who she is. You really have no idea until you’re actually hanging out with her. Trying to figure out how to start a relationship with her is steps ahead of where you should be thinking at. So, work on establishing contact; get to know her as a friend; then start asking whether it is worth going out with her or not. That’s Life!
“Recently my boyfriend broke up with me. He and I had been together nearly a year, and when he came home from college, he decides that he doesn’t want to get into a major relationship, wants to see other people, even though before he left for college, he told me he wanted to be with me, and make things work, and that he’d be happy if this was forever. And now I have to try to go back to how things were before we got together…just talking and being friends even though we’ve been through so much together…and he told me he wants casual sex, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I mean, how can I just go back to being friends…?”
I would have to say something during his trip to college rerouted his “life maps”. One minute he is saying “forever with you will make me happy”, the next he is saying, “look, maybe we should just take it easy, ill go scope around and maybe pop in for a quick ’service’ every once and a while.” Just friends mode can be pretty hardcore on a partner after a year together. Especially the one at the receiving end of the news. So your first question to yourself should be whether you can emotionally handle this change in the dynamics of your relationship. If you think that you will be able to sort it out somehow in your mind, that’s fine. However, if you think its going to be difficult, you might want to start exploring the field yourself. Otherwise, you are just going to be sitting there looking for any and all signs of him showing renewed interest in a full on relationship. This scenario sucks, he has told you his intentions so you will just be wasting your time and driving yourself nuts. If you have got past that point, lets actually answer your question… How do you become his friend after being so intimate with him? You really need to emotionally detach yourself from him. See him on a less regular basis; look around for your own relationship - further proving he is just a friend; do things that friends, not lovers, would do together; don’t get yourself into situations that will provoke “intimate relationship feelings”. Very importantly, casual sex won’t work. If you think that you can have sex with him, and keep saying in your mind “he’s just a friend” you are wrong. That is the killer every time, thinking that you can have that very intimate act of love making, and still keeping things as “just friends”. Unless of course you are someone who thinks their comfortable with casual sex and know that it will not create a bond between you and your partner. Removing the sex part of the equation will also help sift out if that is actually what he is holding on to you for. Sounds pretty shitty eh? But if someone comes back from being away for a while and says they just want to be friends because they are looking around, but still want to have casual sex… that could be all they are looking for. This also means he can have multiple partners, which creates its own interesting little problems of its own. Really think this one through carefully Erica. That’s unfortunately life! |
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Jess, 17 from New Hampshire writes…
Dr Thatslife has this to say…
Craig, 16 from Melbourne, Australia writes…
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