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Dr Thatslife AdviceDr Thatslife gives you the toughest answers to your toughest questions. Often less than flattering, usually offensive, but always valuable for those relationship questions you need the straight goods on. Dr Thatslife has spent years helping the helpless, now it’s your turn!
“My ex-girlfriend and I are trying to get back together. We went out for 2 years and were really in love, we decided to take just a little time apart. We have been apart for almost 3 months and want to get back together, but my parents say that there is no way that I can because they don’t like her. How do I get them to like her? Please help me.”
Common Justin, you’re 18, it has absolutely nothing to do with mommy and daddy anymore. You’re quite capable of deciding who you want to spend YOUR time with. Tell your parents to politely go fuck themselves. Could you imagine who you would be going out with if they were in charge? Some frigid girl that brings a batch of cookies to the door and goes to church every other day. And we don’t want that now do we Justin? You need to say to your parents, “LOOKY HERE, I like this girl, we got along well for 2 years before without any major problems and we want to do it again. If you really object to her, you should have spoken up 2 years ago. I feel it is in my best interest to start seeing her again, and I only hope you learn to accept that this is MY taste in girls, not yours.” The point is here, we don’t want to get irate at them or anything you want to calmly state your reasoning behind the fact your going to date her anyway. I really don’t think you should compromise on this one, if you really do love the girl and you were apart purely because you two mutually decided you wanted some “apart time” then its totally in your right to get right back at it. That’s Life!
“Well, I am not a popular girl at school. That’s all right, because I don’t want to be. But I don’t have many friends besides my small group, and I’d like to have a few other friends just to keep up my interest. I am a bit younger than other girls in my grade, plus shorter, so I feel inferior, even if I’m not. I’m also afraid my friends will get mad at me if I hang around with other people, even a bit of the time. I am also quite shy, and I have a fear of talking to people. I wonder if there is some way to talk to people without being extremely brave or already with a group of friends? PS I have troubles keeping my self esteem up, so if someone snubbed me, it would really hurt my feelings.”
You know what? There is actually a positive side of getting snubbed off…When they “snub you off” you now know that the guy or girl is not worth wasting your time over anyway. Anyone that would just snub someone else is pretty self centered. Also, never presume that will happen. A lot of people out there are in the same boat as you…Looking for new friends, or just “a friend” for that matter, and are quite open to the idea of meeting someone new, like you. Most people have a core group of friends that stick in there time and time again, and a number of other friends that sort of come and go. What you have is no different from what many others have, you may just think every else has dozens of friends. Don’t ever think you have to limit who else you see because you may offend your current friends for even a second. If they get mad at you just because you are trying to expand your social circle, they have issues! One good way for you to meet people at school is to become active in the clubs, sporting and other events that happen in your school. If you aren’t into that sort of scene right now, at least look into it. Every person that would be in your “team” or “meetings” are all potential people you could meet and hang out with. As for your self esteem…This will be the corniest thing you will ever hear, but it all comes back to looking in the mirror in the morning and saying “I like me”. No shit! You WILL feel better, just burst out of the house in the morning, proud of who you are, and it will make a tremendous difference. Not only with how YOU feel, but how OTHERS see you. Its very obvious when someone is happy with who they are. Your concern about age and height difference really just isn’t an issue. Its what you make of it. So, enjoy who you are and the rest will all come into place with some effort and fun along the way. That’s life!
“Well here it goes, I’ve was approached by this very good looking girl recently and one of the first things she let me know was that she knew I had a girlfriend and that it doesn’t bother her in the least she has seen me around the neighbourhood and finds me extremely attractive. Well eventually we got together and even though I didn’t get to stroke her, I could tell that she is a lot more excited in the sack then my significant other. I sure that if we get together again we will fuck each others brains out help me quick I need advice pronto! Should I have a night or two of awesome meaningless sex knowing I can get away with it, or should I take this as a sign that I’m not very interested in a relationship anymore? HELP”
Your last line said it all Ezra, sounds like you want to truly fuck the brains out of this girl, and being in a relationship just doesn’t mix with that. Also keep in mind that if you are going to bang her, you may become attached to her. Before you get in that situation, look at her as she is… Someone who doesn’t care that you’re committed to someone else. You know what that means? She won’t care if she’s committed when going out with you! That’s right, if she doesn’t respect other peoples relationships and feelings, why would she with hers? I think I would have saw more mention of your current girlfriend and talking about her qualities if she was more important to you. The only mention here is that she exists, does that tell you something? Sounds like your current relationship maybe isn’t for you at the moment, but is a couple bonk sessions with this other chick Yup, that’s life!
“I have had this on going problem for quite some time now. It’s concerning my ex-girlfriend. I don’t really know how to sum it up in a quick little letter, so I’m going to have to tell you the whole story from beginning to end ok. Don’t worry, it may be long but it will help you understand much more. Ok it all started last year. I’m 16 and she’s 14 by the way. I believe it was late May when I first got the courage to approach her. I had liked her for a long time, at least 2 months, when my friends made it so that I had to go and talk to her. It turned out well I thought, but since we didn’t know each other all that well we were pretty shy around each other. It only lasted a week before she dumped my sorry ass. I was heartbroken because I really cared for her, and didn’t have a chance. But things would come around again. About a week after that I had heard from her good friend that she still liked me, and wanted another chance. Over the next week she kind of pressured me to call her, and so I did, although at the time hated the idea. But things went very well, we got along great, it was like we had been friends for years. Then one night she asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, I agreed and met her at a park….we never went for a walk. We just sat there talking and gazing at the stars. That night I think was the night I fell in love with her, I know it sounds odd falling in love at my age, even impossible to some…but it happened. She told me about her past, and I realized she wasn’t your every day girl, she had had it rough. I think we sat out there talking for at least 4 hours when I finally asked her to go out with me again. This time things were good….at times a little hard to handle though. Two months it lasted this time, her longest relationship ever…and I think mine as well. We had a lot of fun, and also a couple fights, but all in all I thought things were going well. I know that she has problems when it comes to guys, she can’t handle getting further into a relationship….or at least that’s what she says, and for the most part I believe her. But I also think that it was my shyness, nervousness, and all around in experience that kept us from going any further. Anyway, I could tell she had lost interest, so I called her up and asked her to meet me somewhere….I asked her straight out, and it was over. And there I was devastated again, the first girl I had ever really cared about….even more than a family member….gone. It was a long weekend when we broke up, and she had gone away for a while. I ended up writing her a letter for when she got back, telling her my true feelings and a lot of other things concerning our relationship. For a while we lost touch, but she started calling me again. And eventually she wrote me a letter as well. This put me through a huge amount of emotional pain. In the letter she said at the end, “I think I’ve fallen in love with you.” Good timing huh, after we’re broken up. Nothing came of it. I hated her for calling me, it was as though she was leading me on, but at the same time I loved each time she called for I told her I’d always be there for her, and I could help her out with whatever is going on in her life. School started up again and even now she still has never gone more than two days without calling me. I used to think it was because she still had feelings for me, but I now realize it’s because I’m her best friend, and I’ve helped her through a lot of bad times. I love talking to her, she is one of my best friends too, but the trouble is I still love her. And now she’s bent on trying to get this other guy at my school. I’m fine with it, sure it hurts, but I only want her to be happy. I’m so sorry that was extremely long, I just hoped it clarifies the whole situation. My question is this: I still love her, but I don’t think anything will come of that any time soon. Should I stay with it in hopes that in time she may come back?? Or move on and stay her closest friend??”
If you want me to directly answer your question, I would chose the “move on and stay as her closest friend”. If you wanted me to answer it in my own way, I would say “move on and stay just as an occasional friend”. Meaning, I think you are too emotionally attached to her to be a “closest friend”. You would always be tearing yourself apart about the possibility of her wanting you back again. You would be analyzing every little signal of “possible romantic energy” emitting from this chick. Lets look at the situation shall we… It sounds from your description of the whole thing that you’re a fish she’s caught. Completely at her discretion, she reels you in, lets you go a bit, reeeeellllls you in, and lets you back out a bit. What a crummy emotional ride you DON’T need. Every other month she’s back and forth. Doesn’t it just get tedious after a while? Doesn’t your mind say, “Wow, this girl is really taking me for a ride and I just keep coming back for more like a fucking moron!” You sound like you are literally at her mercy. Dumps you, comes back a month later saying, “Ohhh I love you!” and you come crawling back to her. You sound like a caring guy, but she is abusing that. You also sound like you genuinely like her, but some combos just aren’t meant to be - this sounds like one of them. Note that she is only 14, pretty young to be doing all this stuff, and she may genuinely not know what to feel or do at any given point along the way. So, for you, these uncertainties she has translates into break ups and inconsistencies in the relationship. This is also pretty small scale stuff, we are talking months, not years here, and the total time you have actually been going out with her is miniscule. It just isn’t going to make that big of a dent in your life if you just say fuck it to the whole thing and go find someone else. Keeping her as a friend is only alright if you are emotionally prepared to classify her as “friend-only” in your mind. If you are not capable of doing that it will be torture for you every time you two get together. Try the “occasional friend you hook up with” think and look elsewhere for a relationship. You need to go get some fresh material because this one is getting real stale and its stinking up the place! That’s life!
“I’m married and I do love my husband. He is 24. At times, I feel he does not take the marriage into high importance. I asked my husband to spend at least 15 minutes a day talking and to spend one day a week with me. Before I had a hard time even getting him to talk to me. I often feel like when we were dating all was okay, but as soon as we got married, I feel like he’s changed and is not ready for marriage. A lot has happened to us in our own personal lives, but who doesn’t have any past issues? I have several issues I can deal with alone or with his support, but he won’t even talk to me about anything unless I bring the subject up first. I just know I’m left questioning the value of marriage. My husband holds to society’s typical standard of marriage. Wife stays home, cooks, cleans, laundry, and leaves the man alone. Like what he wants to do is fine and dandy, but when I want to do something, I have to do it on his terms. We spend many hours at his parents house, but we spent at least half of those “many” hours at my parents visiting. I don’t like this and I find it very unfair to me. I say my husband could be doing me better, but our parents say this is normal and that I’m to live with it. As if I’ve got no choice. My husband has a fine habit of not asking me if we have plans or remembering/asking my input on any plans he/we/I make. Like he can do as he pleases, but I must include him in all I do. I get upset and he does not understand why. I explained why and he claims he’s sorry and won’t do it again. My husband has been known to make a lot of plans/promises and he always breaks them. He wonders why I get so upset and afraid to trust him. You see, I watched a lot of people live with society’s lifestyle of marriage and I don’t want that type of life for myself. Before my husband and I were married we had made a marriage contract and I’ve held up my end of the contract, but he’s yet to fulfill his part. He has even thought of having children early and I told him I wanted to wait longer, like 25. My main question is how do I know when my husband is giving me sob story and sorry excuse for his lame idea to say he’s not ready for the true responsibilities of a married life and that he only wants what he can get, not caring what I want or anything. I’ve dated several times before I married and he has not dated anyone outside of me. I was concerned that he wasn’t ready since I was his only one, but he assured me it was no problem. I feel like I went into this marriage with my head on straight and he is not ready at all. How do I find out if my husband if truly sincere in being married to me, he’s just needing additional time? Am I blowing things way out of proportion?”
Katie, from the sounds of things, you are not blowing things out of proportion, providing what you are telling me is accurate and not just “your side” of the story. Make sure you are looking at both sides of this. Your first line talks about how you love your husband, but then go in great detail for the rest of the email giving me pretty good reasons why you wouldn’t. You first, before all of this, need to be honest with yourself and ask how much you loved your husband back when you were first going out before marriage, and how much you love him right now. Then ask, what changed that. Was there something that may have caused this attitude adjustment? Or are you just noticing these things now because you are living together or know you are in this for the long haul? First off, you need to see him as he is…Requiring him to talk with you for x amount of time per week and see you x amount of days is fucking wrong. Just completely lift these rules and see what happens! You then know very well what he thinks of the whole thing because it requires HIS effort and initiative. Requiring him to see you only masks what the real situation is. He will also build a resentment towards talking to you if he feels there is a requirement to do so. The fact that you felt you had to instate such a thing would imply that things are pretty fucked up in your view. You are right though, he doesn’t really have an interest in your life, which is something that is important in a marriage. He doesn’t even sound like a good friend, let alone husband. A friend would show an interest, be curious as to what is happening in your life and your opinion on things, so this is something your husband should definitely have. A friend would also allow you to decide things for yourself and do things which are beneficial to your life, the hubbie doesn’t do this. As for your inability to do anything you want to because he needs to literally approve it, that is just wrong. You have to remember that even though you are married, you are still, YOU! Your identity, ability to make decisions for yourself and independence aren’t checked in at the door when you get married, they are all still rights that you have. Live how you feel it best creates a good quality of life for you, not by how someone else dictates it to you. Marriage is about two people being together in a relationship, but they are still two people, with two separate lives in the end. Your parents approving what is going on is fucking warped. They should be concerned about the health of this relationship - and NO you shouldn’t be just accepting it for what it is. The fact that he is breaking plans and promises (providing he is not giving good explanations) is crap. People, regardless of who they are or what relationship they are in, need to stand by what they say. Its as simple as that. Otherwise they are not respecting you! Also ask, are you breaking any plans or promises on your end? Marriage contract eh? Do you know what a contract is for? Its something that is invoked to make sure all parties concerned do what is requested of them or else. Basically speaking. Again, ALL PARTIES CONCERNED, meaning you AND your husband. This marriage contract sounds pretty dorky. Like as in this whole attitude he has did predate your marriage, and something like this was felt needed. You two put this in place for most likely similar reasons you placed the 15 minute talk quota on him, bad. However, if he isn’t living up to his end of it, bring it to him and ask why? Mention that you met your side of the agreement, if he challenges that - make sure you listen to what he says, he may have some valid points. Having a kid would be the worst decision right now. Communication between the parents (something you guys are truly lacking) is a key element in successfully raising a child. WOW Katie, you really don’t want kids with this guy until things are sorted out and you are DAM WELL READY TO HAVE ONE. You have kids when you are fucking well ready to. If you say no, its because you still want to live your life and are simply not ready. Its not as if you have said “No - Never!” you just don’t want it right now. Very understandably too, your only 22 and want to be experiencing more in your life before you have to commit a lot of your time and efforts into child raising. That is all he needs to know, and that is where it should be left until you decide its time. When you wrote this letter to me you knew exactly that his excuses and stories were horse shit. Why are you asking me? If you just want a second opinion…Yes, its all horse shit! If you’re the first and last girl he went out with, that will be on his mind for the rest of his life “What would it have been like if…” “I wonder what its like to dick some other chick…” “Wonder what it would have been like if I stayed on the singles seen and just had some fun.” get the picture? BAD move to marry the first girl you go out with. No matter what he told you, those questions are going to be with him forever. This whole thing is nothing about needing more time for him to get serious about this relationship, he would be completely different right now if he was going to ever take this seriously. Examine what you have now, and just project it 10,20,30 years ahead… time to make some changes baby… Sit down for the big talk, and ask him questions like, “Do you love me?” “Why do you love me?” “What things that you do, convey to me that you love me, because I’m sure as hell not getting them!” Explain to him, in detail, all the feelings you have just like you told me, WITH MANY EXAMPLES READY TO BACKUP ALL THESE FEELINGS. From the answers he gives you, you’ll know what to do from there. Luckily there are no kids involved, in case his answers really suck. It sounds like you are really unhappy with the whole relationship, and if he isn’t giving you answers to your questions that shine hope in the future or that he is going to change, you two should seek some serious marriage counseling. If giving that an honest attempt doesn’t accomplish the results you seek, I would say you need to re-evaluate your marriage. That’s unfortunately life…
“Well, a couple days ago, my mom and dad got a divorce, and now my dad is moving to Iowa and he wants me to go and live with him… I want to because that would mean that I could be with my boyfriend. My mom wants me to stay with her…and I want to stay with her because of my friends. I just don’t know what to do, I love my boyfriend with all my heart and I want to be with him…please can you help me?”
At your age I think a group of good friends would be more important then a boyfriend in this decision. Boyfriends will come and go, but friends will not only be there for you for a long time, but lead to other boyfriends. Sounds pretty negative, but the scenario of you moving to Iowa for your boyfriend and him dumping you shortly after for whatever reason is a possibility. Whereas your already living in Canada, you have friends you sound like you can count on…That is important and worth hanging onto more then many other things in life. This decision shouldn’t just be based on “boyfriend” or “friends”… You need to weigh the pros and cons of each place based on other factors as well, such as… Take into account the physical place you decide upon. Do you enjoy living in Canada, or do you want to experience something different by moving to Iowa? You may not like one more then the other and that is something you should make an important part of the whole thing. Your life is shaped not only by your friends, but what your city has to offer you too. This is also an issue of which parent you would rather live with. If you get along with one better then the other, this may also sway your decision. That’s life!
“I am currently dating this girl for almost two years. I really like her and we have a great relationship, sexual and emotional. I would love to marry her but I can’t accept the fact That she was not a virgin when I met her. She lost her virginity at the age of 17. She had sex Three times before she met me. I am a Muslim and virginity means a lot in my religion. Although I love her and cannot take away the pain and hurt I feel when I think that she Actually was so intimate with a guy who she knew she was not going to marry. I love her but I want to stop hurting about her past. Are my feelings justified or should I try and forget the past? I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive her and not hurt any more. What should I do?”
Religion and culture must have such a powerful effect on your feelings in a situation like this. You have to decide whether the love she is giving you now, or the things she has done in the past are more important. Can you honestly say if a woman has been banged before you got to her, that you’ll put that person in your bad books? Reality of that is you will be adding a lot of women to that book. Many women and men are having sex before marriage knowing quite well they will not be marrying, or even dating the person for that matter. This isn’t right or wrong, but simply how things are. You need to decide if this is an action of your partner that you can accept or not. You have to remember in your case, its in the past. What’s done is done. She is still a good person, is in love with YOU right NOW and you love her. If I were you, I would set these feelings aside and enjoy being with her. However, that may be easy for someone not from your religion to say. So look at it as to how it affects your beliefs, how it effects your view of her character, then decide if it is really affecting your now and present. I think you will find she is the same person if she has or hasn’t had sex before you. That’s life!
“I really like this guy I met at a church youth group, but he’s kind of… innocent. He’s a minister’s son, and he thinks he’s too young to date. He’s never had a girlfriend, and I don’t think he’s ever done anything to disappoint his dad. He gets straight A’s, and is in the Bible club at school. All this is great, but I’m not so innocent… I just don’t feel like I can be myself around this guy… what should I do? Should I tell him that I like him? Should I act like a church-girl, or be myself? I REALLY like him. Help me!!!”
Becky, Becky, Becky… It is time to break this guy in. I say you make it your life’s mission to initiate this poor guy into the real world. If he is 16, hasn’t had a girlfriend, gets awesome school marks, and is in the “bible club” - someone like you coming along is exactly what he needs. His father doesn’t like it? He’s going to have to live with it. There will be plenty of things that will come along in his sons life that will upset this perfect Disney world balance he’s got going. If the father had it his way, his son wouldn’t get any action for the rest of his life… probably end up being weird or something! You tell him you like him, and absolutely be yourself… There is no point putting an act on because like all acts, it must eventually come to and end or it would be called a reality. It is important particularly in this situation to be yourself. He will decide, based on what he sees, whether the type of person you are, is for him. It may have one of three effects on him…It may disturb him; he may not care at all, or he’ll love the change of pace. Now I’m not implying you two go out and start one by one breaking all the commandments or anything. I am really saying, he sounds like he just needs to go out and have a good time with a girl doing fun things, with it possibly developing into a relationship. Have fun…
“I am 30 years old and I have been seeing this married 28 yr old woman for the last 4 years. She says that she can’t go out at night because she is married yet every time that she wants to she is out partying with her friends till 4 or 5 am in the morning. The last time we went out at night past 11:30pm was 20 months ago. How do I tell her that her actions make me feel so insufficient and insignificant in her life. I feel as if she doesn’t appreciate me. That she takes me for granted. Sexually she wants to have sex maybe once a month otherwise she says she will feel guilty even though since, she been seeing me she has done an orgy and a threesome and been with other women and men. She says, well that’s different because it was just fun and games or a 1 night stand. With you it’s different I feel guilty because I have serious and genuine feelings for you I don’t know what to do to help. How do I tell her that I am so unhappy that she is hurting me constantly. Signed, Alex”
Wow Alex, you’re telling me you want some level of sympathy for your hurting from a woman who is cheating on her husband with one night stands and orgies? Are you fucking moronic? She can’t go out at night with you because she is probably too busy fucking someone else from the sounds of it. Doesn’t her priorities of going to these parties in stead of seeing you make it clear how dedicated she is to you? She probably does take you for granted, your the fling on the side! This feeling guilty if she has sex with you more then once a month story is horse shit…She is either fucking you or she isn’t, how many times isn’t the point, its that she has done it at all. Her not seeing you in the evening or at night is also…horse shit. She most likely calls you up to fill her schedule when she isn’t with another fuck friend. This is of course, between the orgies and threesomes which should also tell you a lot about who you are trying to deal with. And those are just the sexual encounters she tells you about, I’m sure there are more Alex… I’d say pull on the Jimmy with this girl…whooooeeeee disease time! I’m not exactly sure what you are looking for in this relationship with her, physical, friendship, full on relationship… She is most likely thinking of you as a casual encounter, you are thinking its much more. But whatever it is, and how you described the whole thing, I would say get the fuck outta dodge man! That’s life!
“I dated my ex-boyfriend exactly a year ago for a few weeks. We broke up and parted as friends, still talking on the phone all the time. He stared going out with a girl a month or two after we broke up and they are still dating. I have to be honest and say that when we were going out I didn’t have any feelings for him. Well I started hearing from friends that he had feelings for me a few months after he was going out with his current girlfriend. At this point I began to realize that I had feelings for him too. We are extremely close, and we stay up talking until 3 in the morning every weekend, and when we’re not together we talk on the phone every night. He is literally my best friend and he says I am his too. He tells me things that he is scared to tell his girlfriend. She treats him sooo shitty!!! I hate it so much. Well I confronted him about having feelings for me, and he said that he did. So I admitted that I have feelings for him too. We went for a drive one night and ended up in a field under the stars. You can guess what happened… we were there for a few hours and it was two in the morning. He is still going out with his girlfriend and is “deciding what to do”. So my question is, what should I do??? Obviously I am not going to let him make out with me than let him go to his girlfriend’s house to get some. He says that he loves me, but is scared to leave her (they’ve been together for a year). Should I cut off contact or something? I don’t know what to do! It has been nearly a week and he is still thinking! Please help me! As soon as you can! Please! Thanks”
What is different from when you broke up with him a year ago and now? You keep talking about these new found “feelings” you are having for him and vise versa, but why didn’t you have them when you were actually going out with him? Could you give me a list of things that spurred the feelings on other then “we talk on the phone a lot” and “we bonked in the park?” You need to ask yourself what REALLY made you “realize” you had feelings for him. That you were alone? That he had someone else? Or that you genuinely realized what he meant to you. Be brutally honest with yourself on this one or your going to be wasting a lot of time here. If she treats him so shitty…WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL WITH HER? Does he just sit there and put up with it like a little girl or what? If he is scared to leave someone that treats him like shit you have to wonder about him! Why wouldn’t you let him bonk you and then go and do it with his girlfriend? SHE IS HIS GIRLFRIEND and he has made it clear that he has a girlfriend. What the heck do you expect? It also demonstrates his character to you… He has a girlfriend, but is screwing you, even when he doesn’t know he is breaking up with his current girlfriend. Is that the kind of guy you want? Just remember, if you two are going out and a year down the road he gets bored and starts “sampling” some other chick, you can’t say this situation didn’t warn you he would! Why cut off contact? He sounds like an ok FRIEND from what you have told me, getting into a full blown relationship with him is a different story. I honestly don’t imagine he is thinking to hard on this whole thing. He sounds like he’s the kind of guy that isn’t too bright in the decision making department. I’m sure if you left it to him, he would be “thinking” about it all of next week too.. Id say leave it to him. That is always the best way to find out what other people think of you… leaving the initiative to them to call or visit you. That’s when you will have your clear answer and until then I would just sit back and see what happens… That’s life! |
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Justin, 18 from Knoxville writes…
Dr Thatslife has this to say…
Heather, 14 from Australia writes…
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