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Dr Thatslife AdviceDr Thatslife gives you the toughest answers to your toughest questions. Often less than flattering, usually offensive, but always valuable for those relationship questions you need the straight goods on. Dr Thatslife has spent years helping the helpless, now it’s your turn!
“Well there’s this girl I’ve known for two years now. We get on really well. She is short, and really nice. I like her because we have so much in common, but is not the nicest girl in school. I don’t care. I’ve asked her out but she doesn’t want to know. What should I do??????”
Common Dan! You mean to say you’ve gone up to her, she basically slam dunks you, and you wonder what you should do? Move on or just leave it as it is. It sounds like she has made it pretty fucking clear she only wants to be friends - does it really need to be more? You can have a long term friendship with a chick and not have to start dating her. Just enjoy what you’ve got - a friend! Two options, stay friends and have a good time, or, keep persisting with the whole going out with her business and fuck things up royally. Go find another girl to date. And that’s life!
“My boyfriend is away on vacation for a month and even when he wasn’t we never got to talk or see each other. And I want to go out with my ex or his best friend. I would be happy with either. What should I do? And how do I let my boyfriend off easy?”
So you have obviously concluded that your current boyfriend is just not working out and its write off time. When he returns from his trip, you need to sit down with him and spill it out. Tell him the relationship you have with him is just not what you are looking for, simple as that. As for letting your boyfriend off easy, hooking up with his best friend is hardly the right answer. Don’t you think its going to be a bit of an awkward position dating his best friend, and possibly put big time friction between the whole lot of you? As for your ex-boyfriend, make sure you remind yourself as to why you dumped the guy or he slam dunked you in the first place, and ask why your really getting back together with him. Maybe you should have a good look around for other options first before going back to old “been there done that” territory. If you two really got along, you would still be together. If you’re in a relationship that your not really that enthused about (example - current one) going back to and ex is just too easy. Try branching out and finding some new guy. That’s life!
“Well I am a cheerleader, but it’s kinda unusual considering that I’m Chinese. There aren’t lots of Asian cheerleaders and I think the other girls on the team hold that against me for some reason. I try very hard to fit in, but it’s just so hard. I don’t like approaching someone and just start talking to them because what if they don’t like me? If I talk to them and they find it uncomfortable, they’ll hate me even more. Sometimes, I try to get to my cheer or dance formation and some girl might push me really hard. This happened just today and I involuntarily yelled, “Oh God, OW!!” As I got into my spot I heard the other girls laughing and repeating what I said in a mocking tone. I do have some friends on the team, but I am not really part of their special “clique.” Everyone is always in some sort of clique here. Except me. I want to belong!! Please help me.”
Many people everywhere, of every race, are facing issues similar to yours in their own way. I think if you asked around, this problem would be much more common then you may think. Even the people you think are within these “cliques” don’t even feel part of them. In the end, all these “cliques” are really just an illusion anyway. When being part of a cheerleading team, you may encounter such asinine behavior like what you mentioned. I don’t know these particular people, but think of it this way… You basically have a group of girls that all want to be the best, “screw the other ones” as far as they are concerned. They are going to do whatever it takes, even if it means hurting the feelings of others (they probably would other wise enjoy being friends with), so they can be the “leaders” of the cheerleader pack. The competitiveness of things such as cheerleading can bring the worst out of people. When they do these asinine things, they are really trying to make themselves feel better by putting someone else down, when others join in, it gives them a sense of false self esteem in the group. You have to remember, none of these girls would do any of this, if they were not in the “group” setting, some of it is to show off. If you are wanting to become part of this group to make friends, my advise is to look elsewhere in school or in your hobbies, as they just don’t sound like the right people to be hanging around with. If you feel compelled to become more part of this group because it will help your cheerleading, or want to try making friends with them anyway, take this advice… Evaluate each of the people in this group, and find the ones that do not join in when the others do the moronic things you were telling me about. These people have a better set of values then the others who sound like immature little chumps anyway. That’s life!
“Well, its just about impossible to get my boyfriend to call me! I have tried over and over again to page him today for example, but not a word. Its been going on for about 2 weeks. Before this, although he wasn’t perfect, at least he tried to make the effort. What should I do Dr Thatslife?”
Hmmmm… Sounds like you have a guy that just doesn’t give a shit. Something’s going on in his life right now that obviously doesn’t include you. Check the trend, one moment he’s a typical boyfriend, the next he’s mister solitude. From the sounds of things you probably chewed him out each time he finally did call you each time. Which he will use as a tool to further distance you (”Ohh, she keeps fucking calling me!!!!”) What you should do is haul his ass into your “private office” and ask him what the fuck is going on. I mean really, what the heck’s the point in keeping this guy around if you never talk to him, right? If he gives you some bullshit about, “Oh I’ve been busy”, remind him a 30 second call to say he loves you can be fit into any schedule. If he doesn’t sound like he’s going to change…dump the jerk off. And that, Janet, is life!
“Well, I’ve been going out with this guy for 11 months, he’s a decade older than me but I’m totally Ga-Ga for him. The problem is that he has a serious attitude problem and cannot control his temper, he overreacts and blames me for everything. Otherwise, he’s a really genuine, sincere person with a lot of friends, and apart from the dark side I’m in love with him and wanna marry him sometime in the future; but everyone has a dark side right! I just want to make it last but I don’t know how to put up with it. He’s been through a lot of pain in his past and I guess he’s just healing but I can’t let go. I wanna stand by him, support him and show him how much he means to me. I want to make him trust me and understand me as well because without trust there’s nothing. I think he loves me in his own way but I sure do love him…please help!!!”
First off, you shouldn’t be even considering marriage with a guy that has major attributes about him that you “don’t know how to put up with”. Him telling you a big sob story about his past gone wrong is no excuse for him blaming you for things and having a pathetic temper. Having a bad temper has nothing to do with healing from the past, its about his CHARACTER. If this is how he conducts himself and treats you now, its going to be exactly the same or worse ten years down the line. Don’t think for a minute that you can get heavily involved with someone or marry them, and just change how they behave. People with “serious attitude problems” are generally pretty immature and self centered. Is that what you are looking for? You say things like he has friends, but so fucking what? Are they decent people, a bunch of lemmings that are yes men, strange, good people? Having lots of friends doesn’t mean shit. As for the age thing… Kathy you are still young believe it or not. At 19, the last thing that should be on your mind is wedding bells. Shit, can’t you just enjoy playing the field until you find the RIGHT one… This one sounds way too awkward, one sided and your working too hard for it to be a two way thing. Your taste in men, perspective on life, and many other things will change dramatically say even five years from now. So do you really think a guy you pick when you’re 19 is going to be one you would pick if you did it all again at 24, or 32? I don’ think so. People jump into the marriage thing way too quick lately, without looking at the fine print on what it really means. He may also use your age difference as a tool to help his self esteem which may have been battered in whatever the hell happened to him. Since you are younger, he may feel more empowered to do things, such as, blaming you, or using it as a means to justify getting angry easily and so on. Also ask yourself, “Why isn’t he going out with someone his own age?” This is a generalization, but there is usually a reason behind it. The thing that gave all this away the most is your last line that said “I think he loves me in his own way”. From your consultation, I would have to say that last line means you really have no idea if he loves you or not. It maybe romantic talking about how you want to care for him and be there for him but it all wares off very quickly when you realize the “asshole” trait never goes away. You DON’T want a guy that you HAVE to stand by and support for him to be a decent person. You want someone that is self sufficient, already has his act together and doesn’t need another person pampering him all the time to be normal. You should stand by a person and love them because of who they are when you meet them and learn more about them, not to try and improve them. Be very careful about this relationship and look at it for what it is. That’s life!
“I’ve have been dating the same guy for a year now. The problem is I think I have a crush on his friend, and I think he likes me too. I love my boyfriend, but we haven’t been getting on very well lately. So now I have to decide on staying with my boyfriend of a year and 3 months (and my first), or giving it a shot with a guy who I’d get along better with, if he even likes me. A classic isn’t it? ”
Ya it’s a classic…However, you’re 15, what are you really getting out of a relationship that has been going on for over a year? From the sounds of things not a whole lot, and its basically just a comfort zone now. You’ve got lots of time later on in your life for heavy relationships, right now you need to focus on having fun. When your later in your teens and in your twenties, that’s when you waste years of your life on the same person, not now Ann! Things aren’t working out with the current guy? Chuck him in the gutter and try again! Don’t give me that shit about “Things aren’t working out well, BUT ohhh I love him so much!” Sit back and be realistic with yourself, do you LOVE him or not? And for that matter, WHY do you love him or not? I would advise against seeing his friend… Don’t you think that would be a bit complicated? The new guy would get every little piece of shit that your now ex-boyfriend could dredge up from the back of his mind and tell him. That’s right, guys will tell their friends every little insignificant, to very significant piece of shit about you there is in existence! It would also be complex because you would keep bumping into your current guy because, yup, they are friends! And do you honestly think he would be happy to see you each time you two do bump into each other? I think not! You dumped the guy for his friend, that he now knows you had a crush on for eons. He now knows you wanted to get down his friends pants in a serious way, in his mind, from day one. I’d say, if you are already looking around (you wouldn’t have even noticed his friend if you weren’t) scrap your current relationship and go have some fun. If you are telling your boyfriend you just need to play the field for a while, that will be much better. Heck, if you really really really like his friend, tell your boyfriend you just want a break from relationships, and then just HAPPEN to start seeing his friend like, a few months down the road. How’s that? Much cleaner and it ends the way you want it to. Its all so complicated eh? But that’s life!
“I’ve been going out with this guy for like, 10 months, and I just found out I’m pregnant with his baby. My main problem is telling my parents - I know that they’ll be mad, and kick me out of my house… I’ve been debating not telling them until I have the baby, and after I have it moving in with my boyfriend, as he suggested, but being so young, I don’t know if that would be such a good idea…I don’t have a job yet cuz I cant drive myself… what should I do?”
What you are telling me sounds like a tough situation, but which path to take isn’t a hard decision. You are majorly young to be dealing with this shit. However, I do not think you should just assume your parents will kick you out. Are you basing this on fact or a presumption? Do you honestly think your parents, knowing you are going to have a child, will kick you out onto the streets? I highly doubt they would. I think you should also tell them what’s going on. Yes of course you will get into major trouble, but the storm will pass. They will be able to provide you with knowledge and extra help that you need in a time like this. Besides, lets get real here, its not as if your going to bring this baby all the way to term without your parents noticing what is happening. Common! As for hoping in with boyfriend, holy fucking bad idea. Again, you need to be with your parents at home - not off with mister happy dick. Moving in with your buddy there will definitely end much quicker then you think, and you will have to move back in with your parents anyways, but under worse terms. Right? I mean, if you are up front with the parents, explain the situation, ask them for help you will probably go through this ok. If you tell them your running off with sperm boy, and then come back crying that it didn’t work out, I take back everything I said, they will be pissed. Just be honest with everyone and it will all fit into place for you. That’s life!
“Ok homecoming is coming up it is October 2. I don’t have a date yet and I feel really bad I mean all of the other girls that I have talked to have dates. I’m not deformed of extremely ugly or anything. That doesn’t really make a difference but anyway I was just kinda wondering how do I get a date and how do I tell if a guy wants to be my date but is too shy to ask?”
Alright, you need to have a good look around you. Of the guys that you like, are any of them talking to you, giving you hints, checking you out, being real friendly? If any of that is true you may be in! The thing is, it can sometimes be difficult trying to figure out how someone feels about you that you don’t know too well. You just need to look at the fine print. Look for signals, and if that person is serious about you, they will try their hardest to make an impression. If they are going out of their way to talk with you or do stuff with you then that’s a good sign. As for your end of things… If there is that one guy you really want to bust a move on, you need to do a bunch of things… Get talking with him, show an interest in what he’s doing, hook up with him at recess or whenever. If you have something you are going to like a show, concert or whatever, there is no harm in asking him to come along. If you’re more on the shy side, when he’s walking past in the hall at school for example, smile at him… It isn’t hard to do, its very recognizable to the other person as a positive feeling towards him. Good thing with it is, it presents a feeling to him without you having to get too courageous. The next time you walk by, maybe smile and add in a “hi!”. Few times after that you could stop him to talk. Know what you want to say to him but are too shy? That’s possibly where a letter comes in. You can say what you want to him without actually saying it face to face. Sounds like a bit of a cop out, but if you write him a super short letter saying something along the lines of “Hoping we could maybe get together some time…. give me a call… blah blah blah”, its a lot better then not trying at all. Thing is though, just going up and talking to a guy is much easier then you think. Just walk up and start talking about really easy stuff like, “How’s your day been?”, “Been busy today?”, “What class you off to now?” ask stuff you want to know about him, all this small talk usually turns into real talk and before you know it, the conversation is rolling. See, he probably has a bunch of stuff he’s curious to ask you about as well. Worried the conversation will die? Just think of an emergency line. So when you are talking to him and something happens to the conversation just say, “Alright, well, I just wanted to see how you were doing, talk to you later.” Talk to your friends, and see how they got hooked up with their guys. You will be surprised how easy most of their replies will be. Don’t worry about them thinking your an idiot for asking, people LOVE to share their opinion and dating help. You never know, in talking to them about it, they may know of a guy interested in you, or hook you up with one of their guy friends, you never know. Wish you luck…
“Ok I have this problem with guys and girls always wanting to show me their stuff. I know its crazy and its really annoying. Anyway, I have this problem that if someone talks sexually about jacking off or something I get nervous. I’m only 13, I don’t know what’s up! My friend (or at least she used to be) would always go if you show me your tits ill show you mine and I am like noooooo way! But she shows me anyway and I’m like nooooo. Then the guys like to show me their cocks and I’m like leave me alone. I totally don’t think I’m attractive. My tits are not really big (34C) and I need to know what I should do because “stop” just isn’t working for me!”
Sounds like you have some pretty seriously perverted “friends” there Khris. At your age, this is not something they should be doing. Even if you were 23, its just not the kind of thing normal people go around doing. I have no idea who raised these little treasures, but you should drop all of them pronto. Not only should they not be showing you their privates, but they should be listening to you when you say NO! Makes me wonder where the fuck this planet is going when 13 year old girls want to check each other out. Do you really want girlfriends that are dieing to check out your rack? Boys that are wiping their chops out to show you are only going to get you into trouble in one way or another, now or later on. Of course you may feel a bit nervous on the topic of sex, your only 13, just barely a teenager. I also don’t want to hear this shit about you being ugly. Did you know that your attractiveness has more to do with how you FEEL about yourself then your actual body? Even someone that could be considered “beautiful” will still look ugly if she herself is not happy with how she looks. Also, trust me, I wouldn’t worry about your jug size. Go get some real friends Khris, the one’s you have right now aren’t going to do you any good, and that’s life!
“I started working for a construction company at the end of August. I casually met and started talking to my bosses right-hand man…who happens to be 37 and married with 4 kids. I am engaged to a wonderful man who lives in Portland, and who after 3 years, forgets to tell me all the things that count. I love Derek, my fiancée’ with my whole heart, and I would never do anything to hurt him, but the way I feel around this other guy is amazing. He tells me everything I ever wanted to hear…and means it. We’ve shared a couple small kisses, with no tongue involved, it feels wrong to kiss another. Should I stop, and devote myself to my fiancée’???? Is this other guy the one to be with? We have sooo much in common, whenever we are together we share constant deja vu…? Help me here.”
There is a whole slew of stuff in here that says stop everything! Right off the bat, you shouldn’t be marrying Derek. If you are saying things about your fiancée like “he forgets to tell me all the things that count”, and you are thinking about other guys in the way you do about your co-worker, can you imagine 5 years from now when you are actually married? Lets get fucking real here, you aren’t even married and already both of you sound like you’ve fallen off the horse. As for Dumbo at work… That is a case of in the right place at the right time. Look at the scenario, he’s 37 and you’re 18, he’s father of the Brady Bunch and still married. Aren’t ANY of these clues that he either isn’t really into this as much as you think, or if he is, then he is a sick bastard? It’s so obvious that he probably isn’t happy with the home life factor, and at 37, an 18 year old coming along and showing an interest is a perfect outlet away from that whole ball and chain marriage scene for him. It’s very easy for a married man who isn’t happy with his wife of ye’old years and a house full of bouncing, high on Kool Aid, kids to sit and spill their heart out to an 18 year old. It is also very easy for him to tell you the exact words you are looking for to get that warm fuzzy feeling, because trust me he’s been there and done that years ago. He knows exactly what to say to get your little ticker going. I can tell you if the guy at work is always telling you he experiences deja vu around you, he’s full of shit. Do you honestly think a relationship between you and a 37 year old could even in the remotest barren realms of possibility last for ANY length of time? HOLY SHIT ADRIENNE, HE COULD ALMOST BE YOUR FATHER. And that is probably part of what attracts you to him, that whole “father I never had syndrome” girls can have. If his current marriage wasn’t on the rocks he probably wouldn’t even give you a passing thought. Lets pretend it all goes your way, Dumbo wants to get serious with you, leaves his family behind to embrace you for eternal undeniable love. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO TALK ABOUT? “Oh yeah, so like, school was so cool today, we did this neato experiment dissecting a frog’s left testicle in Science class.”, and the eyes will be rolling back in his head with boredom. You need to a) Screw this marriage shit, for Christ sake you’re 18 go have some fun and live a little! b) If you want to keep talking with Dumbo, that’s fine, but seriously, screw the relationship idea, it sucks big ones. d) Hang out with someone your own age that speaks the romantic talk you are looking for. From you’re “we share constant deja vu” comment, I can tell you are really being taken for a ride on this co-worker thing, letting your emotions grab a hold of the situation rather then logic or reality. That’s life! |
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Dan, 17 from London writes…
Dr Thatslife has this to say…
Kathy, 15 from New York writes…
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