Rachel, 26 from Jacksonville, Florida writes…

When I first started dating my boyfriend, I kinda suspected he might be into drugs, but I didn’t know what ones or how much he did them. Now that I’m into the second year and living with him, I’m starting to see small bits of his other life that worry me a lot. And I think its getting worse because last week when he came home really late and he was clearly out of it, his eyes were glazed over and he couldn’t walk right, kept talking about the same things over and over again and kept pounding his chest like there was something wrong with his heart, and no alcohol on his breath at all. It really scared me. I really love the guy, he might be “the one”, but wonder where this will all go in the end and will he be OK? I don’t do drugs myself and actually don’t really even drink much either. What should I do?

Dr Thatslife has this to say…

The best analogy I can think of is taking a shit and then looking for toilet paper… if there isn’t any, then you have a pretty shitty situation. The same goes with your predicament, the longer you’re in the dark about the extent of his habits and where they’re heading, the worse the outcome will be. It is easy to be dismissive of addictions; until irrefutable evidence comes along (such as what you’re witnessing), and by then the addict is already past the breaking point. So what should you do from here?

First we need to understand what we’re dealing with before you make any major commitments to this person. You need to look at the psychology of someone who is a habitual drug user. You may find that this type of person and what they bring to the table, isn’t who you would want a life long or even short term commitment with. There are many elements that are rather unappealing, and typically get worse or become a life long cyclical battle that you’ll have a major roll in.

Drugs are his method of coping with reality. It’s a departure so that he doesn’t have to confront the issues and perceived struggles of his life - in other words, he can’t cope and doesn’t have the will power to try. He takes the drugs to supposedly take the ‘edge’ off, not realizing that they in fact only further complicate his life.

Sorrow often attracts sorrow. His friends are most likely a combination of substance abusers and varying degrees of depressed individuals. They will continue to fuel his downward spiral; as they need the company and don’t really want him to better himself as this may pull him away from their realm of sorrow. Which brings me to you… dig deep and examine why perhaps you two have attracted each other, and what lessons are you to learn from the experience. You may find, if you’re honest with yourself, there are negative elements of your life that are unresolved, and by addressing them and bettering your life, he may loose his luster pretty fucking quickly.

Then there is the issue of the respect and confidence he holds for himself. Anyone who is willing to pop dodgy tablets of unknown origin or shoot up drugs into their body, has zero respect for themselves or the consequences that such activities may bring to their body or to those around them. Ever thought about whether those drugs are intravenous or not? Having sex with him? Are the pieces starting to come together now on where I’m heading with this? Not exactly questions I would want rolling around my head at night while he’s off getting trashed night after night.

So looking at that picture, what are your thoughts? Does this compel you to try and help him and battle through this? Or does it leave you wondering whether you’re in the wrong relationship? You could talk with him about what you’ve observed and that he needs to seek help, but ultimately he will either agree or disagree and there is little you will be able to do. If he tells you he’ll stop - he probably won’t… so are you willing to commit your hours to reconnaissance work to determine the truth? And if he still is taking drugs, what are you really going to do about it?

Finally, a serious question you need to ask yourself is if one day down the road, you two are married, living together - maybe with kids in the mix… you get home and find him snorting lines of crack off the dining room table, completely fucked up - where would that put your life? At that moment it will dawn on you that your life has turned to shit. Starting over again then, would be much harder than breaking things off now.

Being around an actual addict isn’t fucking fun at all, it is a serious downer, sprinkled with moments of sheer and utter disbelief. Up for that? Answer carefully.

That’s unfortunately life.

Andrew, 16 from Baltimore, Maryland writes…

I have a question and I would really appreciate it if you could give me some advice. There is this girl who moved to my area and came to my school at the beginning of my freshmen year of school. I have liked her since I had first talked and met her. I was her first friend at the school. We are so alike. We both have our family problems, we both are very musically talented, smart, and can talk to each other about anything. She was shy and I introduced her to new people at the school.

Now at the end of my sophomore year she has changed. She has changed so she can be popular around everyone except me. Shes going out with this guy who only abuses her and he won’t let her break up with him or even go anywhere where guys might “see” her. She won’t do anything cause she feels attached to him cause no one else has liked her before, or so she thinks. Guys are all over and hitting on her now. She doesn’t want to be left alone because of all her abuse from her family that also caused her bulimia. She even said that he was her first friend and he first helped her out at school. That was me… that hurt me a lot that she forgot about that.

Its killing me seeing her like this. I love her. I never told her that, but no matter what happens I would never leave her. Others have but i never will. She is the only person who can make me happy. Its hard to explain how much I care for her. Shes never been off my mind for 2 years now. I don’t know what to do. Should I just try to move on (which is near impossible for me now), or should I tell her how I feel? I really feel dead inside without her… Thank you Dr. Thatslife.

Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Hate to say it buddy, but you’ve been standing at the bus stop for a bus that’s never going to come by… FOR TWO YEARS FOREST GUMP! Does that make any sense to you? Why are you at that stupid fucking run-down bus stop waiting for something you’re never going to get?

Let’s summarize your experience with her so far… “You met a girl; she showed some interest in hanging out with you; you were nice and showed her the local scene; she got into the scene and dropped you like rancid meat for the in-crowd; and now you’re too consumed by her to realize you were used and left in the dust.”

When you really look at it, what attracts you to her at this very moment? The conversations of her two fingering her pie hole after dinner? The lies she tells others to cover up any existence of her contact with you? Or is it the self punishment she looks for with the men she DOES choose? I mean come on Andrew… sit down and actually make a list of redeeming qualities she has that aren’t a total farce. Being musically talented shouldn’t be on the list; we need real tangible stuff to qualify why you would “feel dead inside without her”.

Now that we’ve looked at what has already happened, let’s take a glimpse into her future… The life she’s set up for herself is a tortuous never ending cycle of abusive relationships so she can relive her agonizing home years; she will subconsciously seek out destructive situations, habits and social circles that will play on her insecurities. And all of her life choices will engage her in undesirable experiences that will be life lessons she’ll never learn.

Sounds pretty grim right? You bet! Ultimately, you don’t want to be emotionally connected to a person like this. It’s an awful roller coaster to be on that you have absolutely zero control over. You may believe you can rehabilitate, rescue, help her down the right path, or whatever - but she’s programmed for self destruct and you ain’t got the disarm code.

Have I even begun to give you a glimmer of a reason that perhaps perusing her simply shouldn’t be in the cards? You DON’T love her, you’re only consumed by her based on an irrational lust - and you’ll waste some of the best years of your life chasing something that not only isn’t right for you, but won’t have you.

If other “options” come along, you’d most likely drop this ridiculous obsession, but perhaps nothing has come along yet. You would be a lot better off spending your energy in search of someone that makes more sense for you, that will treat you with the respect you deserve.

That’s life man.

Dan, 28 from New York, USA writes…

I have a hot 20 year old girlfriend that I usually get along well with. I know she’s 8 years younger, but she is mature for her age. My problem is she always wants me to flip the bill for everything. I don’t mind paying for dinner out and things like that, so it’s not that I’m a cheap skate. But if we walk through a department store she’s always showing me things like jewelry, make up and clothes and pushing me to buy them for her. She says “If you love me you’ll want to buy me nice things.” and if I don’t get them for her she gets angry in the store and it turns into a night of arguing. Worst of all she barely thanks me for things when I do buy them for her. I make a decent income but it isn’t that great, not enough to afford all these things she wants. Most other parts of our relationship are good, but this one really is tough and happens often. Any help doc?

Dr Thatslife has this to say…

When this little handful you’ve got says “If you love me you’ll want to buy me nice things”, your reply should be “If you love me you wouldn’t be asking me to buy you expensive unnecessary shit.” Shovelling out cash like a bank machine has nothing to do with love, and she’s either too immature, materialistic or selfish to appreciate that. Her temper tantrums in the store would lean me towards immaturity, which if you were honest with yourself, you would probably see in other ways she conducts herself. Ultimately though, these uncomfortable retail situations, and particularly the lack of gratitude when you do follow along, demonstrate she has all three of these endearing characteristics.

She’s probably more maintenance than you’re willing to realize, she just presents the neediness in a way that you’ll feel compelled to go along with to keep the peace. Is she the type that if you go into the video store, 99.9% of the time you walk out with a title she picked? If that sounds oh so familiar, have a good fucking look at that for what it is. I’m assuming she was the one that told you “People think I’m so mature for my age.” Women that tell you that are always, without exception, the total opposite and are always a complete fucking mess.

I’m figuring you’ve caved in quite a few times to head off pending nights of bickering and to retain your sex privileges for another night. But caving in would have only further fueled the problem. Ponying up the cash for dinners or drinks is fine, but the whole “fill my wardrobe” thing just doesn’t fly. Have a tough love stance on this, keep strong on your unwillingness to buy all of this shit. If she persists, moving on from the relationship wouldn’t be a big loss. More importantly Dan, keep a watch on the relationship as a whole, be acutely aware of whether you’re being trampled on and being taken advantage of.

That, my friend, is life.

 Lauren, 18 from somewhere in the USA writes…

“I have been dating this guy for a little over three years. For the last few months we have been fighting alot about stupid stuff. We just recently decided that we should break up and i stopped talking to him all together for about 2 weeks. The other day i get a random text from him like the whole situation has never happened. We talked which led to another arguement and now i cant stop thinking about him again. Everytime we talk we end up fighting about something so little and he puts his “frat brothers” infront of me all the time! I love him and want to be with him but i cant be number two in his life. Especially behind those frat morons. He still tells me he loves me and that im the one… So what’s happening to us?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

If it’s been 3 years (meaning you two met at the ripe old age of 15) you really need to figure out what you’re getting out of the relationship, versus finding someone new. The person you picked at 15 is most likely very different than who you would be attracted to at 18. Your fights and arguments are all your incompatibilities and natural tendency to dissolve the relationship kicking in. Basically, the fights are hinting that you two have outgrown each other and it’s time to pick up and move on.

Relationships between guys and gals at your age are supposed to be a revolving door, this is so you can get a sample platter of all the dick out there to figure out what you like best. You have plenty of time ahead of you to get into gruelling long term commitments with men, so have fun now while you can. Besides, if you stop to rationalize exactly what you’re “not able to stop thinking about”, you’ll realize you aren’t thinking about anything with substance - just emotional turmoil and confusion.

Finally, let’s address this being number one in his life crap. The fact is, you won’t be number one in his life… he’s in his late teens, he has lots of things that are competing to be number one. Girls have this misconception that they have to take precedence over everything else in the world of their guy… which is horse shit. Don’t get me wrong, the girlfriend is right up there on the list - but moron frat brothers are right up there too. It’s your teenage boyfriend’s job to have moronic and juvenile friends that you can’t tolerate, and it’s your responsibility as a teenage girlfriend to have hot chick friends that he wants to get drunk and have threesomes with.

That’s Life!

 Cheri, 18 from East Troy writes…

“I have this close friend, and we have been sex friends for a while now. It was going on while he was dating his ex girlfriend, and when they broke up, I assumed I’d take her place. I was wrong, now he has another girlfriend, and it is still going on. I was really hoping to get with this guy, but he gives me the line that he thinks of me as his sister…that’s just sick and wrong, and I don’t see how that is possible, when a half an hour after he says that, he will take me to a secret spot and screw my brains out. I wonder if he is afraid to go out with me because he thinks our friends will figure it out, or if he is just using me. I know you are going to say to get rid of him, but he is one of my best friends, he tells me everything, and he is really good in bed, so I’m not gonna do that. Should I stop wishing and pursuing this, or should I confront him about it? I have no idea what is going through his head, and I don’t know what to do!!!”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Hahaha, thinks of you as his sister… Yeah, that is sick. This is what you get from being a fuck friend Cheri, situations like this. No matter how much you try, there is almost always hope in your mind for more commitment or more SOMETHING attached to fuck friends. Because in the end, they are unfulfilling emotionally. AS LONG AS YOU’RE GETTING YOUR BRAINS FUCKED OUT BY HIM - YOU WILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM. This is life, this is how the mind works - you cant just detach yourself from someone you are sharing the most intimate experience with!!! It is that simple. If you like the sex, that’s fine, but just keep in mind, you will always have these uneasy feelings. Decide if you are able to deal with them. You ask what is going through his head? “Cheri is a fuck friend!” is what’s going through his head. I can’t make it any simpler then that, except to say that he HAS A GIRLFRIEND. You have officially been designated as the “girl on the side” in his mind.

“Thinks of you as his sister”, hahaha, have a good long look at that comment before doing anything too serious with this guy…

That’s Life!

 Danny, 20 from Florida writes…

“I cant help I cant stop masturbating!! Every day sometimes two three times until my ball’s start to hurt and my dick gets numb and aches and some times when that happens I still try to jack off. This results in a horrible night’s sleep for a dribble of an orgasm. But I keep doing the same thing over and over. My girlfriend couldn’t stand it because when she wanted me to give it to her and at times I’d have trouble rising to the occasion. When I did give it to her she would be well past satisfied I guess that’s the reason she stayed with me but now she’s gone moved and all I do is masturbate when the chance for me to have sex comes along I can’t do it because I just finished jacking off I don’t know what to do it’s like I cant stop I see an attractive woman I go to the bathroom any object that look’s like a nipple… bathroom. Pornographic images constantly run through my mind please help me. One arm is bigger than the other and I’m ruining my life what can you do for me?.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

You must be shitting me!? You’re giving up a real genuine fuck for a quick toss in the can by yourself? You are one truly disturbed person Dan. Surely your hand couldn’t be better then a real vagina? You even had a girlfriend wanting to fuck, and you’re sitting there with your limp cock hanging down exhausted from your piss ass efforts in solitude. No wonder she fucking moved you chump!

There’s heaps of guys out there just LONGING for a jolly fuck and you have a girlfriend willing and able… What do you do? Scuttle off to some corner with your daddy’s magazine out of the garage for a spank the monkey session!

What can I do for you? Shit man, just stop…Nobody is forcing you to have a tug of war with Cyclops. JUST STOP. Just imagine if you held out for a whole day and at the end of it you get busy with some chick. It would be the ultimate orgasm of your life. So do you want a bunch of bullshit cans of Spam or do you want one big steak.

As for your current situation with no girlfriend…can’t you understand why? As soon as they catch on about your habits, of course they’re gonna jet. Can you blame them? So get your life together and decide what your gonna do… Be Sgt. Knob Shiner all your life or a guy that gets the real thing.

That’s life!

 Megan, 15 from New Hampshire writes…

“I was at my best friend’s Lauren’s house, and she had introduced me to her stepbrother. We hit it off really great, and then he asked me to give him head. I had never given anybody head before, so I was kind of nervous. About 45 minutes later, he came. Seeing that I had never given anybody head before, it scared me and I bit down on his dick. The next morning, he had told Lauren. And before I knew it, the whole school knew. Now everyone calls me Nippy. Since then, I’ve given two other guys head, and my actions have repeated. Please help!!! Thanx, Megan.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Hmmm, sounds like you’re a pretty busy girl. First off, I find it amazing that you just meet someone and that same day your bobbing on his cock, on demand!? Can you seriously expect me to sympathize with you when you then tell me he’s spreading stuff around about you?

Didn’t anything possibly blink on and off in your head like, “Hmmm, he seems pretty sexually comfortable about asking me to do stuff on him, I don’t know the guy, there’s a chance I could end up with oral herpies or something?” Didn’t you stop to think half a second?

I bet I would be even more amazed if you told me the time span between blowing this first guy and the other two, probably a couple weeks. In which case, you now have a reputation of piping guys. They will use you and abuse you to the fullest extend of the “bastard male code” when they find this sort of thing out.

You see, the first guy finds out that you give head on command, he tells his friends, and before you know it they are lined up down the street to take advantage of you and your free tricks. Voila, the two other guys. They knew you were going to give it to them and surely enough, they came around looking for some.

You’ll get whatever you deserve until you clean up your act, respect yourself, and start finding out more about these guys before you suck them off.

As for your bite problem… You’re 15, inexperienced and probably getting into all this faster than you should be. Of course you are going to be a bit freaked out by some guy blowing his load in your mouth for the first time. Slow down, find someone that actually gives a shit about you, and then experience this sort of thing with a person that cares.

That, Megan, is my advise to you.

 Sara, 14 from New York writes…

“My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost a year now. A lot of the times when we make plans he never shows up. The next day when I confront him he always has a good excuse why he didn’t show up, a reason that’s impossible for me to disagree with. I get mad at myself for being selfish and getting angry with him even though I know it was impossible for him to meet me or call me to say he wasn’t coming. Whenever he does this he always gets very depressed and says that he doesn’t want to hurt me or see me upset. So you’re probably wondering what my question is. I just want to know if I should be getting angry at him even though he says he doesn’t want to hurt me for not showing up. Thanks Dr. That’s Life!”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Wow Sara, you really caught yourself a looser! This guy is using you like a piece of toilet paper. Why? Lets have a look at this shall we!

You two make plans… he doesn’t show up… gives you some cockamamie bullshit story. Well these sort of things happen. When it’s happening over and over again, that means he doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. There will of course be times when he’s absolutely right and he simply couldn’t make it. However if he is continually breaking commitments with you, would you say the two of you are really committed to each other as a relationship? No! Having a relationship is all about being there for the other person, its about showing in everything you do that you love the other person. What he is saying to you is, “Well, I didn’t feel like seeing you tonight, here’s my excuse.” When he gets all sorry and telling you all these reasons and getting depressed, all he’s doing is whispering sweet nothings into your ear and trying to get you to feel sorry for him to shadow what’s really going on.

It also sounds like you had to chase him for an answer as to why he never showed up. Don’t you think if he gave a rats ass about you, he would call you and say “Look, I’m sorry but I can’t make it tonight.” Its that simple… It takes a whole minute out of his schedule. It also saves you from a wasted night waiting for the fucking chump.

If he really was “depressed” over it, he WOULDN’T DO IT AGAIN TIME AND TIME AGAIN would he? Meaning he isn’t genuine about it. Tell this jerk off to get his act together, and that you want him on time, or you’ll be finding someone, errrr I mean, something else to do when he doesn’t show up!

And that my dear Sara, is life!

 Dee, 34 from Sacramento writes…

“I have been having an affair for the past 2 years. We both love each other very much. We are able to satisfy each other in every way possible. (Sexually and mentally). I know that sounds kind of lame but we can’t seem to stay from each other even though my husband has found out and his wife has a pretty good idea what’s going on. We both would like to leave our spouses but there’s kids involved on each end and to make matters worse we live across the street from one another and our kids are best friends. This is the first time in my life that I have never been able to talk to anybody the way that I can talk to him. It’s sad but I could never be as close to my husband in a sexual sense as I am to him. What should we do. It’s not fair to our spouses to continue on like this. Don’t recommend moving because financially it’s not possible.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Trust me, I wasn’t going to recommend moving…You know what, the whole thing does sound kind of fucking lame, Dee. Maybe you should consider growing up. Your husband sounds like he either has a lot of patience for people like you, is currently in the process of figuring out how to drop you without permanently scaring the kids, or is just plain stupid. Its like I’m reading something written by a 16 year old girl in a high school relationship and she just noticed the “boy down the road”, not an adult married couple.

Yeah, no kidding it isn’t fucking fare to your spouses. Lets look at it this way, pretend rolls have been reversed. You find out that your husband has been pumping some chick across the road for the past couple years. Wouldn’t you be pretty fucking irate at your husband? Don’t you realize how revolted you would feel knowing that he was dicking you all that time too? Its pretty hardcore isn’t it?

So what you’re saying is that twiddle dink across the street whispers sweet nothings into your ear, listens to your long drawn out stories, and is a good fuck in bed, and he’s got you just like that? I can bet you my next pay check that moving in with him will change all that pretty quick and he won’t give a shit. Before you know it, you have fucked up multiple peoples lives and you still won’t be happy.

Didn’t you spend any time or effort before you got married to figure out all this shit about your husband. Or did you get swept up into the moment like you did with this new guy? You know you can relate to dickhead across the street, but why not your own fucking husband. There must have been some reason you initially married him!? I bet you’re so built up in this affair thing you haven’t even given your husband a chance to meet your needs physically or emotionally.

Ask yourself this about your husband… “He may not be a romantic talker, might not have good in-bed skills, but does he love me and look after me and loves the kids?”

You saying your concerned for the kids is a load of bullshit if you’re contemplating getting a divorce for the reasons you gave me. If your husband was cheating on you, or was out drunk every night, or was violent, or abused the kids, then you’re right, you need a divorce…. But right from when you first started spreading your legs for the guy across the street you weren’t thinking about the kids…AT ALL… So WAKE UP and get your fucking life together before you hurt a lot of people.

That, Dee, is life!

 Judas, 36 from Harare (wherever the fuck that is) writes…

“I am married to a nice lady, we have one kid aged 4 years. The problem I have is that my woman likes watching TV till late nearly everyday. I normally want to retire early for bed due to work commitments. This arrangement is affecting our sexual life. Can you please advise how best we can resolve the problem?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Whoaa there, it doesn’t sound like your problem is affecting your sexual life, it sounds like you DON’T HAVE a sexual life. Well, we all know you’ve got busy with her at least once, so that’s a start. If she’s gonna sit there and watch TV for the rest of your life long voyage together - you better sit her down and start talking about this! Its basically the TV or you.

Do you make it interesting for her? Do you entice her with any level of encouragement. Or do you just sit in the bedroom with your wang hanging out waiting for her to trample over the dogs and cats to get in the room and bang you all night long!?

After you talk to her about the fact that her watching TV every night just doesn’t cut it, help her along… During the day, say suggestive things about possible romp sessions that upcoming night…Refer to common objects in a sexual way…When your in the bedroom or your house, kitchen, wherever, make the move on her! Why not? She’s your wife!

If she isn’t getting the hint, or it appears she really isn’t interested at all… You better start thinking long and hard about how long you want to put up with this shit. Think about it - the physical stuff is an important part of a relationship. You don’t want to depend on having a tug of war with Cyclops to satisfy your urges for the rest of your life do you?

That’s life!