We meet on business trips, but I want more! Posted September 18th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Amy, 25 from Charlotte writes…

“I had a question about a situation I have been faced with. I have met the most perfect person in the world. The hard part of the situation is I met him about a year ago on a company trip to Nausea. We spent three wonderful days together on a cruise ship. Every waking minute we were together. We did not have a physical relationship while we were together. We stayed in touch for a while after the trip. He returned to AL while I returned to NC. Brett, had just gone through a divorce, I am sure he was still learning to deal with this. A few months after the trip I invited him to NC. Shortly after I asked we lost contact. That’s where I thought the story would end. Until a few months ago we had a new company trip where we saw each other again. He told me he was sorry for not staying in touch, he had a hard time dealing with the feelings he had for me on the trip. I told him I understood. Then we picked up where we had left off. Over four days we had 12 hours of sleep. We both wanted to spend all the time we possible could together. The last night of our trip we made love. I didn’t know how to deal with it and we talked about it and he said it was not a physical thing, but rather something amazing and special.

We both returned home and spoke a while. A few weeks later he told me an old girlfriend had called and wanted to work things out. He told me he cared a great deal about me and I was more special than I would ever know. He told me if we were in the same city he knew things would be different. I told him I understood again.

Then two weeks ago I had to travel to his office to work. It was wonderful. I knew about his girlfriend. I felt awful, but I had to see him again. We spent both nights together and both cried when I had to return. I want to be a part of his life, but I don’t’ know how to convinced him the distance would not matter. I could relocate and I would do anything for him. I think he scared because of the intense emotions we shared. Scared he could get hurt again. Is there anything I can do? What can I do to let him know how I feel?

Thank you for any help you could give.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

I am glad to hear you have found someone you feel so deeply for, however, you need to keep a few things in mind before doing anything drastic like trying to move your whole life over to his place. Right off the bat there are a number of somewhat glaring things that I want to point out in what you wrote. Now I may come off sounding rather harsh or possibly even a jerkoff, but I’m really trying to give you an opportunity for a reality check…

First, you two have only met under somewhat ideal circumstances. Each visit is limited in time to only a few days, in different surroundings then what you are used to (maybe even considered exotic in the case of Nausea), and its easy to get caught up in the moment in situations like this. When you were referring to the cruise ship scenario, you could have had “three wonderful days” and had fun “every waking moment” with Oscar the Grouch on the trip, YOU WERE ON A FRIGGIN’ CRUISE SHIP, HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE FUN? Now I am sure that he shaped those experiences, but all I am pointing out to you is that you two have only met in environments that would have sensationalized the time spent together.

Secondly, do you feel he is on the same level as you? He’s pulled the pin a couple of times on you. Firstly, when he didn’t bother to maintain contact, and provided a somewhat weak excuse for not making a 15 minute phone call to say, “Yup, I’m still alive and thinking about you.” Then when the “old girlfriend” excuse popped up I really had to wonder if he was trying to let you know this isn’t going to work out. I think the real meat of what he was trying to say when he said “It would be different if we lived in the same city”, is really “Yeah Amy, its great fun each time we hook up for these business functions etc, but I have my life here, and you have yours there.”

Finally, you’re doing all the work. You are always traveling there, when you suggest he visits you he looses contact with you and you’re the one attempting to maintain the connection with him. He hasn’t offered to do anything on his side, nor has he asked you to do anything about this either. The last most glaring issue with all of this is that he is working things out with a past girlfriend. This point is a very big hint! You need to take a step back from all this, look at it clearly, and decide if you still want to pursue it. From your consultation, you are sounding way too serious for someone who you basically had fun with a few times.

If you want to pursue it… Tell him exactly how you feel, how each experience with him has affected you, how you feel around him, how you think about him etc. Then, be very straight forward in asking him how he feels, and where he wants this relationship to go, make sure you get direct answers. You need to know where you stand. He hasn’t given you much to work with except for the fact that you have a great time together, but no mention of the future or where he wants it to go, except that he is getting back together with his ex-girlfriend. If after you discuss your feelings with him and he is interested in a relationship with you and not his ex-girlfriend, testing the waters before doing anything drastic like moving there would be a VERY good idea. Maybe spending a few weeks together under more “normal” circumstances, (example, at one of your homes under daily life conditions) will certainly get both of you better acquainted as to who each other really are. From this experience it will become much more clear as to where each of you want the relationship to go. This is only one example of many other potential ways you two could better get to know each other.

That’s Life!