Wait for a relationship or just keep the friendship? Posted January 9th, 2008 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Eddy, 16 from Denver, Colorado writes…

“I have had this on going problem for quite some time now. It’s concerning my ex-girlfriend. I don’t really know how to sum it up in a quick little letter, so I’m going to have to tell you the whole story from beginning to end ok. Don’t worry, it may be long but it will help you understand much more.

Ok it all started last year. I’m 16 and she’s 14 by the way. I believe it was late May when I first got the courage to approach her. I had liked her for a long time, at least 2 months, when my friends made it so that I had to go and talk to her. It turned out well I thought, but since we didn’t know each other all that well we were pretty shy around each other.

It only lasted a week before she dumped my sorry ass. I was heartbroken because I really cared for her, and didn’t have a chance. But things would come around again. About a week after that I had heard from her good friend that she still liked me, and wanted another chance. Over the next week she kind of pressured me to call her, and so I did, although at the time hated the idea. But things went very well, we got along great, it was like we had been friends for years.

Then one night she asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, I agreed and met her at a park….we never went for a walk. We just sat there talking and gazing at the stars. That night I think was the night I fell in love with her, I know it sounds odd falling in love at my age, even impossible to some…but it happened. She told me about her past, and I realized she wasn’t your every day girl, she had had it rough. I think we sat out there talking for at least 4 hours when I finally asked her to go out with me again.

This time things were good….at times a little hard to handle though. Two months it lasted this time, her longest relationship ever…and I think mine as well. We had a lot of fun, and also a couple fights, but all in all I thought things were going well. I know that she has problems when it comes to guys, she can’t handle getting further into a relationship….or at least that’s what she says, and for the most part I believe her. But I also think that it was my shyness, nervousness, and all around in experience that kept us from going any further.

Anyway, I could tell she had lost interest, so I called her up and asked her to meet me somewhere….I asked her straight out, and it was over. And there I was devastated again, the first girl I had ever really cared about….even more than a family member….gone. It was a long weekend when we broke up, and she had gone away for a while. I ended up writing her a letter for when she got back, telling her my true feelings and a lot of other things concerning our relationship. For a while we lost touch, but she started calling me again. And eventually she wrote me a letter as well. This put me through a huge amount of emotional pain. In the letter she said at the end, “I think I’ve fallen in love with you.” Good timing huh, after we’re broken up.

Nothing came of it. I hated her for calling me, it was as though she was leading me on, but at the same time I loved each time she called for I told her I’d always be there for her, and I could help her out with whatever is going on in her life. School started up again and even now she still has never gone more than two days without calling me. I used to think it was because she still had feelings for me, but I now realize it’s because I’m her best friend, and I’ve helped her through a lot of bad times. I love talking to her, she is one of my best friends too, but the trouble is I still love her. And now she’s bent on trying to get this other guy at my school. I’m fine with it, sure it hurts, but I only want her to be happy.

I’m so sorry that was extremely long, I just hoped it clarifies the whole situation. My question is this: I still love her, but I don’t think anything will come of that any time soon. Should I stay with it in hopes that in time she may come back?? Or move on and stay her closest friend??”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

If you want me to directly answer your question, I would chose the “move on and stay as her closest friend”. If you wanted me to answer it in my own way, I would say “move on and stay just as an occasional friend”. Meaning, I think you are too emotionally attached to her to be a “closest friend”. You would always be tearing yourself apart about the possibility of her wanting you back again. You would be analyzing every little signal of “possible romantic energy” emitting from this chick.

Lets look at the situation shall we…

It sounds from your description of the whole thing that you’re a fish she’s caught. Completely at her discretion, she reels you in, lets you go a bit, reeeeellllls you in, and lets you back out a bit. What a crummy emotional ride you DON’T need. Every other month she’s back and forth. Doesn’t it just get tedious after a while? Doesn’t your mind say, “Wow, this girl is really taking me for a ride and I just keep coming back for more like a fucking moron!” You sound like you are literally at her mercy. Dumps you, comes back a month later saying, “Ohhh I love you!” and you come crawling back to her.

You sound like a caring guy, but she is abusing that. You also sound like you genuinely like her, but some combos just aren’t meant to be - this sounds like one of them. Note that she is only 14, pretty young to be doing all this stuff, and she may genuinely not know what to feel or do at any given point along the way. So, for you, these uncertainties she has translates into break ups and inconsistencies in the relationship. This is also pretty small scale stuff, we are talking months, not years here, and the total time you have actually been going out with her is miniscule. It just isn’t going to make that big of a dent in your life if you just say fuck it to the whole thing and go find someone else.

Keeping her as a friend is only alright if you are emotionally prepared to classify her as “friend-only” in your mind. If you are not capable of doing that it will be torture for you every time you two get together. Try the “occasional friend you hook up with” think and look elsewhere for a relationship. You need to go get some fresh material because this one is getting real stale and its stinking up the place!

That’s life!