This guy is a looser and I need to move on, but how? Posted October 15th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Tammy, 18 from America writes…

“It all started a year ago, I was 17 pregnant, and out of school. My boyfriend at the time decided we should be married, but neither of us really wanted to and it ended up happening anyway. Well, the big day finally came when I had my son. I had never been happier. My life was so perfect and filled with joy, but almost ten months later my son passed away, and my entire life was destroyed. I finally came to terms with what had happened and continued to live my life for my son because I know he wouldn’t want me to give up. My husband on the other hand won’t do anything, literally anything. He refused to get a job, help around the house, or anything. That doesn’t work, we ended up having to move in with my parents. I help pay for as much as I can and my husband finally got a job, but things still aren’t right. I switched jobs and truly love my new one, BUT I also made a new friend whom I have become quite attached to. He, my new friend, doesn’t want a relationship, so that’s not a problem but he has made me realize just how unhappy I am with my husband. We’ve been together, dating and marriage, for two years now and have done nothing but fight from the beginning and at times they even become quite violent. I want to leave my husband but I am not sure how to do it. There’s nothing to salvage in this relationship and I fell that it isn’t fair to either of us to have to deal with it. Can you help to sort all this out, or at least put me on the right track to fixing my life?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

You are doing the right thing by ending this relationship and moving on in your life. The relationship doesn’t work, basically never has, and there is no advantage to staying.

He is holding you back, and I’m sure you know that. Living with someone who has no ambition to be something and no motivation to contribute in the relationship must be a fucking nightmare. Such a downer to be with day in and day out. Then to cap it off there are the petty arguments, the violence, its a package that doesn’t need a delicate way to get out, just GET OUT!

First thing you will want to do is create a support network. Involve the people in your life that care about you and that can help you through this. People like your parents, friends, possibly even co-workers, whoever you think can help you through these times.

Talk to them! Even if it is just to tell them how you feel, you will learn a lot about yourself through these conversations. See if they can help you develop a plan on how you are going to do this and what to do after you leave him. Don’t go into this without a plan in mind.

Next, make sure you understand why you are leaving before making any moves. If you don’t, he may try to win you back and if you don’t have all the reasons in your head, he may convince you. You want to be mentally prepared to just shut him off and go. You have given me plenty of reasons why you don’t even need to listen to his sob stories about how he will try harder and change his ways. It just ain’t gonna happen.

Next, don’t worry about feelings. Either sit him down, tell him you have had enough and you or leaving, or just pick up and LEAVE.

Don’t be afraid of this, it sounds like you can be independent if you want or need to be. It sounds more like your supporting him then anything else. You will probably need to be with your parents or friends while you get your life sorted out, but that doesn’t sound like an issue. Explain the situation to them and that you would truly be appreciative of their support in this difficult time. I’m sure they would be happy to help in any way possible and would probably think highly of you telling this guy to get fucked. Also you are lucky you have a job, and one that you like.

Be strong, take the initiative, and end something that has been going on much longer then it should. I think you will have a new found sense of freedom and enjoyment you only just begun to taste when you started talking with that guy you were telling me about. When you felt good talking to him, that was a pretty clear indicator that what you’re in right now, just isn’t right.

How do you “fix your life”? After you have left him, cut communication with him. If he tries to call you or get in contact with you, make it difficult or impossible. You need time away from him to collect your thoughts and be with others who care about you. Start building stronger ties with friends. Be around positive people who have their act together. It will be a nice change over being around a looser, almost invigorating! Work hard in your job, decide what you want in terms of a long term career, a position to work towards. Take up interests that you want to do such as hobbies, sports, classes on topics you want to learn etc. Before you know it, you will have a busy life, that is fulfilling and one you will be happy with. Things, although it may take time, will fall into place in their due time.

Please do what you propose, though. Its so easy to just let things continue on and continually put it off saying, “Oh, things will get better.” or “It will be too difficult on my own.” , JUST CUT THE CRAP AND LEAVE HIM… PRONTO!

That’s Life!