Ten years older, has a temper, but I love him! Posted February 3rd, 2008 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Kathy, 19 from Fort Lauderdale writes…

“Well, I’ve been going out with this guy for 11 months, he’s a decade older than me but I’m totally Ga-Ga for him. The problem is that he has a serious attitude problem and cannot control his temper, he overreacts and blames me for everything. Otherwise, he’s a really genuine, sincere person with a lot of friends, and apart from the dark side I’m in love with him and wanna marry him sometime in the future; but everyone has a dark side right! I just want to make it last but I don’t know how to put up with it. He’s been through a lot of pain in his past and I guess he’s just healing but I can’t let go. I wanna stand by him, support him and show him how much he means to me. I want to make him trust me and understand me as well because without trust there’s nothing. I think he loves me in his own way but I sure do love him…please help!!!”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

First off, you shouldn’t be even considering marriage with a guy that has major attributes about him that you “don’t know how to put up with”. Him telling you a big sob story about his past gone wrong is no excuse for him blaming you for things and having a pathetic temper. Having a bad temper has nothing to do with healing from the past, its about his CHARACTER. If this is how he conducts himself and treats you now, its going to be exactly the same or worse ten years down the line. Don’t think for a minute that you can get heavily involved with someone or marry them, and just change how they behave. People with “serious attitude problems” are generally pretty immature and self centered. Is that what you are looking for?

You say things like he has friends, but so fucking what? Are they decent people, a bunch of lemmings that are yes men, strange, good people? Having lots of friends doesn’t mean shit.

As for the age thing… Kathy you are still young believe it or not. At 19, the last thing that should be on your mind is wedding bells. Shit, can’t you just enjoy playing the field until you find the RIGHT one… This one sounds way too awkward, one sided and your working too hard for it to be a two way thing. Your taste in men, perspective on life, and many other things will change dramatically say even five years from now. So do you really think a guy you pick when you’re 19 is going to be one you would pick if you did it all again at 24, or 32? I don’ think so. People jump into the marriage thing way too quick lately, without looking at the fine print on what it really means.

He may also use your age difference as a tool to help his self esteem which may have been battered in whatever the hell happened to him. Since you are younger, he may feel more empowered to do things, such as, blaming you, or using it as a means to justify getting angry easily and so on. Also ask yourself, “Why isn’t he going out with someone his own age?” This is a generalization, but there is usually a reason behind it.

The thing that gave all this away the most is your last line that said “I think he loves me in his own way”. From your consultation, I would have to say that last line means you really have no idea if he loves you or not. It maybe romantic talking about how you want to care for him and be there for him but it all wares off very quickly when you realize the “asshole” trait never goes away. You DON’T want a guy that you HAVE to stand by and support for him to be a decent person. You want someone that is self sufficient, already has his act together and doesn’t need another person pampering him all the time to be normal. You should stand by a person and love them because of who they are when you meet them and learn more about them, not to try and improve them.

Be very careful about this relationship and look at it for what it is.

That’s life!