Stable Relationship But Bored Posted May 28th, 2009 in Dr Thatslife Advice

Peter, 28 from Detroit, Michigan writes…

Been dating this girl for almost two years and I’m kinda half and half with what I want to do. On one hand we get along well and don’t really having any problems; on the other, I’m completely bored and want to go out and meet women, go on dates, just have fun. I feel like we’re married, but we are not. So I see my single friends having fun, my married friends building a life, and I’m stuck in middle. Help me doc.

Dr Thatslife has this to say….

Definitely a more common situation than you could imagine… know why? Because everyone wants what they haven’t got. Look at your friends on either side of the relationship spectrum… Often the single friends wish they could trade in their weekly blind date disasters for a stable and eternal nest of love with that special woman of their dreams. The married ones wish for an orgy of hot young women trampling down their door to break up the monotony and drudgery of their daily family life (well, actually both sets of friends want hot young women trampling down their door, but anyway). Either side, it’s all about wondering if whether your predicament is best serving you, and there isn’t anything wrong with that - providing you don’t linger in this state of uncertainty for eternity.

The lure of being single as a 28 year old guy is very high, you are probably more at ease with yourself; know yourself better; have a more refined sense of style; and are more confident now than ever. So naturally, you’re wandering down the street or hanging out with friends at the pub and seeing stunningly hot bait and you wish you could tap some of that action. But at the same time you’re more conscious than ever that life is screaming by pretty fast.

The most glaringly obvious part of your submission was the “I feel like we’re married, but we are not”. It not so subtly hints to me you’re bored to tears with the predictability, routine and constrained nature of your relationship. Either she’s just a boring person and you’ve only now realized this after the initial honeymoon phase of your relationship; or you two have essentially gone into “nesting mode” (yes, just like the mother bird and its chicks in the bird nest). Nesting mode revolves more around the maintenance of your relationship; day to day life; the environment around you and comfort. This is in stark contrast to the spontaneity and energy of dating whatever tramp you stumble home with and what that brings about. It’s in the genetic makeup of most chicks to gravitate the relationship towards this “nesting” modality, as it brings the relationship towards their desired outcome… marriage. The older they get, the more pronounced the whole nesting thing gets, as they are more conscious of that whole pesky time flashing by thing than you are.

So do you want to get married or not? She most likely does. Have you asked her? Has she asked you? Odds are someone in each relationship over a couple years old is pondering or desiring it. Can you see yourself 15 years from now waking up next to her with a smile on your face, or does the thought of that make you want to hit the bar for triples vodka tonics? This isn’t necessarily a question about your girlfriend specifically, but rather more about waking next to the same person… forever.

Essentially you need to stop watching what your friends are doing, and start narrowing down your train of thought into what you are wanting out of your life. You may say ”That’s what I ‘m already doing, dickhead.” But I believe you have approached it the wrong way. Rather than focusing on the limitations of what you are in, you should start determining what lifestyle better suits you. Do you want to be single, open and free formed with your relationships. Or in a permanent committed relationship for stability and companionship. Once you know what slot you want to be in, it not only helps you to relax about wondering what you want, but also helps you to better evaluate whether your current partner fits into that lifestyle. You may find that when you go through this mental process, it helps you to realise that maybe she just isn’t the right one for you, and to move on. Either way, two years into a relationship shouldn’t feel like a jail sentence if she’s the right girl for you, catch what I mean Peter?

That’s life man.