She shuts down when having to deal with issues! Posted August 30th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Peter, 36 from Victoria, Canada writes…

“I am 36 years old and so is my fiancée. We have known each other 4 years and lived together for 3. She is fun, interesting, serious, and committed to me. What more could a guy ask for? The problem is this: she is giving, thoughtful, and devoted to me in all aspects when she initiates the action. For example, if she notices I am troubled she will want to help, be supportive, get to the bottom of it. However, if she is troubled, unhappy, etc she will not disclose at all, and will put me off with catchphrases (don’t worry-it is temporary, etc).

More troubling is the pattern that if I ask for something, like to discuss an issue or to work on some differences she initially shuts down completely and if I persist, I will inevitably be verbally attacked and the discussion will be thwarted. An instance, she recently gave several thousand dollars of her money to an ex-boyfriend (she said lend but it will not be seen again). It was her money but it was being saved for our joint purchase of a house, which will now be delayed. By the way, the ex-boyfriend was in financial distress because he refuses to work, not because of an unexpected calamity. Any attempt to discuss this or similar issues is stonewalled and counter attacked viciously if I persist. (e.g. “you are a selfish, materialistic, pig while I am a generous kind person who assists a friend in need”). This pattern has never wavered in our 4 years. I notice she is the same way with her family who have essentially given up any attempts at serious conversation. I like her but I can see myself becoming like her parents and sisters - retreating and withdrawing from frank and open discussion of any issues, because it gets just too painful and the hope of resolution is virtually non-existent.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

You’re right, she will never see that money again. But I bet it wasn’t the money she was hoping to see again. Giving the money to her ex-boyfriend sounds like she is still hanging on to at least a thread of him. She seems quiet defensive with her verbal attacks, trying to move the spot light onto you with her put downs about being “materialistic” when you talk about it - that’s not a good sign. Especially considering that money was supposed to be put aside to help cultivate a more serious relationship with you, right? It may be an indicator that she is mentally not willing to move forward with what she has with you. The fact that ex-jobless accepted the money means he hasn’t moved on either to some degree (amongst other things in his life most likely). You need to confront her with this situation, and other similar problems as you mentioned and not allow them to close.

None of us enjoy dealing with confrontation on things that we have done or are happening to us. But, many of us take to the boxing ring and battle the issue out with the confronter because that’s how things get resolved. These childish shut-downs are her way out from confrontation and she needs to know that things she sweeps under the door matt eventually have to be cleaned from under. Or it will grow to an enormous mass of “under the matt crap”. Unless you take some drastic measures, you are right, this attitude will never change and perhaps get worse.

Your consultation says you love her, but that her way of dealing with things is alienating important people in her life, including you. I know it is difficult dealing with this type of person but, try any combination of the following points to get these situations leaning more towards your favor…

• Try changing the way you talk to her, get control of the conversation. It sounds like telling her in the words of “You shouldn’t give your ex money like that.” will only fuel her, you need to flip it around to her and say “Giving the money to your ex only holds back advancing our relationship and hopes of moving in together.” That way it isn’t you coming out as the evil ogre, it is her. Resist direct finger pointing, get her to point the finger to herself.
• Your retreat from the discussion is EXACTLY what she wants. Don’t give it to her. She needs to realize that no matter how uncomfortable she makes others in these situations, the issue at hand won’t magically go away. Don’t let the conversation fizzle out, keep it on track.
• Make sure she backs up all of her accusations and name calling with evidence and facts. Example, “You always think about yourself”, ask her for incidences proving the statement, then analyze the incidences and ask her how exactly those incidences backup her original statement. That will get her thinking about what she has just accused you of being.
• Tell her that in a successful relationship, communication is paramount above all. There will be many issues and struggles you will come up against throughout your upcoming marriage, communication will be the key to resolving them. She needs to demonstrate to you NOW that she is capable of dealing with these issues in a mature fashion, and not hide from them, or you will be concerned about the survival of the marriage.

Peter, you need to look at this as a major character issue - and if you cannot correct it, whether you really want to deal with it. Look at it this way, she is 36, most likely isn’t going to change a great deal (she has had her whole life to perfect her way of reacting to these situations) and this type of attitude most likely encompasses other parts of her thinking too. It sounds as though she can be a very caring person, but also uses that self-proclaimed relentless giving and love that she sprinkles around the known universe to deflect criticism.

Work on this issue with her using the points above, be persistent in your efforts to resolve or at least talk about issues, show less acceptance of the behavior and if it doesn’t start to improve, ask yourself whether you want this quality in a life long partner.

That’s Life!