She isn’t a virgin and that bothers me! Posted January 1st, 2008 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Imraan, 24 from Durban, South Africa writes…

“I am currently dating this girl for almost two years. I really like her and we have a great relationship, sexual and emotional. I would love to marry her but I can’t accept the fact That she was not a virgin when I met her. She lost her virginity at the age of 17. She had sex Three times before she met me. I am a Muslim and virginity means a lot in my religion. Although I love her and cannot take away the pain and hurt I feel when I think that she Actually was so intimate with a guy who she knew she was not going to marry. I love her but I want to stop hurting about her past. Are my feelings justified or should I try and forget the past? I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive her and not hurt any more. What should I do?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Religion and culture must have such a powerful effect on your feelings in a situation like this. You have to decide whether the love she is giving you now, or the things she has done in the past are more important. Can you honestly say if a woman has been banged before you got to her, that you’ll put that person in your bad books? Reality of that is you will be adding a lot of women to that book. Many women and men are having sex before marriage knowing quite well they will not be marrying, or even dating the person for that matter. This isn’t right or wrong, but simply how things are. You need to decide if this is an action of your partner that you can accept or not.

You have to remember in your case, its in the past. What’s done is done. She is still a good person, is in love with YOU right NOW and you love her. If I were you, I would set these feelings aside and enjoy being with her. However, that may be easy for someone not from your religion to say. So look at it as to how it affects your beliefs, how it effects your view of her character, then decide if it is really affecting your now and present. I think you will find she is the same person if she has or hasn’t had sex before you.

That’s life!