Will severing all ties make her more intensive? Posted August 18th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Ted, 23 from Seattle writes…

“I am 23 and my ex is 22. Recently she dumped me because I withdrew from the relationship months ago. Didn’t want to be around her, didn’t want to have sex with her etc. I know I am better off without her as she has a lot of issues and is very insecure (abusive former boyfriend and broken home). My friends tell me how obvious it was that she was dependent on me, if our relationship hit a little snag, her entire life became chaotic. On Sunday, she said she loves me, misses me, etc but can’t be with me. She said “we are over– FOR NOW.” I saw that as she is trying to push me to see how far I will go, she did this with other relationships in her life with friends, roommates, neighbors, etc. I have decided I want out, but I am concerned that she will try to contact me, like she will continue to try to insert herself into my life to see if I will get her back. I just don’t have time for it and I am trying to figure out what I should anticipate. I am sad, but I realize I don’t miss her, i just miss having someone. My question is this: do you think that I have not heard the last from an ex who was so dependent on me? If / when she does contact me, should I attempt to severe all ties or will that make her come after me more intensely?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Yeah, she will be back like a bad horror movie sequel. You definitely did the right thing, so stick to it. It sounds like it was past its due date, fell apart and it will most likely take her a while to come to the level of closure on the issue that you have achieved. In your mind you are very clear about the situation, “I am sad, but don’t miss her, I miss having someone”. That right there was the key to it all. You understand that you will hurt from the breakup, which is of course natural; you have no feelings for her, hence the realization of not actually missing her; but are realistic about the fact that you were most likely with her for the last half of the relationship to “have someone”, and now you don’t. She will most likely not come to that realization for a while - and until she sorts out her thoughts and gets closer to that level of mental and emotional closure, there are probably going to be phone calls, visits to your house etc. The fact that she says “we are over” and appends “for now” means she has no idea what she feels or is thinking, basically.

When she does call or try to talk to you, explain to her you really just don’t have any further interest in talking with her, and that the times you two spent together in the past were good (if they actually were), but things have really come to an end and we both need to move on in our lives. You don’t have to be an asshole while talking to her, just be clear, decisive and to the point about your intentions with her. Be most of all clear, that you are not interested in getting back together. Don’t compromise and end up as friends or be tempted to be fuck friends if the opportunity comes around (there are many ways she may try to lure you back). Being either of those will complicate the matter for both of you and especially for her and leaves the door open in her mind for getting back together. After that conversation, cut ties and become unresponsive to whatever communication she manages to have with you. Don’t worry Ted, you are on the right track, just ride it out.

That’s Life!