He thinks relationship is moving too fast! Posted August 15th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Melissa, 30 from America writes…

“Ok I have been seeing this guy for about a year and a half. In a nutshell, whenever things start to move forward (such as maybe I suggest we go away for a weekend), he “freaks” and says they are moving too fast, we need to slow down etc etc… Then it slowly evolves again and the cycle continues. This has occurred twice now. I love him, and do not know if I am wasting my time and should let him go? We otherwise have a good relationship? We have awesome sex, go to dinner, movies, parties, I spend the night at his place or he at mine, have gone to some family things etc. We talk on the phone several times a week and confide in each other about our problems and support each other. Also, I have asked him if he wants to see other people (when this issue came up) and he got mad and said no it was nothing to do with that? His longest relationship before me was only for 6 months (he is 33) and it was some time ago. Sometimes I wonder if I am just wasting my time, or if I am expecting too much? I would love to hear your thoughts on this?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

I don’t think you are asking for too much at all. You two have been going out for over a year, one would only assume that you would want to make plans for a weekend get-a-way of some sort.

Maybe it is how you are approaching it. There is nothing particularly “moving forward” by going on a weekend get-a-way, really. Friends can do that too. You may be wrapping this up in a package that sounds to him, more like moving forward. When really you should be treating it like what it is, you are simply going on a short trip. So change your wording so that it doesn’t sound like its a “moving forward” thing.

Looking at it a bit deeper, your consultation wording sounds like you want more commitment or you want this to be an indicator that there is more commitment. However your man sounds like he is somewhat scared of commitment. Examples of that are his inability to hold a relationship for more than half a year (about the time relationships begin to determine whether to get more serious or not), and him freaking out about the trip idea. Now in all fairness, he may not have had a lot of relationships, and they just didn’t happen to last longer than 6 months, for whatever reason. Maybe there was something that happened in the past relating to a trip he had with a previous relationship that didn’t go too well? Who knows!

His response, and your observances could have something to do with the fact that you are both not on the same page of the book. Evaluate what you want out of this relationship now, and down the road. Have a talk with him, you may find you two are on a completely separate page. Him just going with the flow and enjoying hanging out with you, and you trying to figure out how to “move it forward”. Don’t get me wrong, he may really be into you and want this relationship to go far, you two sound like you have a great time together. The fact that you two are a year and a half into things is a good sign. It’s just that guys can really hate the whole commitment thing if they feel being pushed into it. If its their idea its just fine, but if there is a level of stress pushing them into commitment (i.e. constant subtle or not so subtle suggestions from their partner, the partners parents and relatives about marriage, kids, minivan, white picket fence around 3 bedroom 2 car garage house in the suburbs, Family Channel subscription etc) some will go running for the hills. They can literally feel the wedding band on their finger. So try getting a better understanding of where both of you two are in the relationship and then you will better know how to approach the trip situation.

That’s Life!