Difficulties being part of the clique! Posted February 9th, 2008 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Elaina, 13 from New York City writes…

“Well I am a cheerleader, but it’s kinda unusual considering that I’m Chinese. There aren’t lots of Asian cheerleaders and I think the other girls on the team hold that against me for some reason. I try very hard to fit in, but it’s just so hard. I don’t like approaching someone and just start talking to them because what if they don’t like me? If I talk to them and they find it uncomfortable, they’ll hate me even more.

Sometimes, I try to get to my cheer or dance formation and some girl might push me really hard. This happened just today and I involuntarily yelled, “Oh God, OW!!” As I got into my spot I heard the other girls laughing and repeating what I said in a mocking tone.

I do have some friends on the team, but I am not really part of their special “clique.” Everyone is always in some sort of clique here. Except me. I want to belong!!

Please help me.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Many people everywhere, of every race, are facing issues similar to yours in their own way. I think if you asked around, this problem would be much more common then you may think. Even the people you think are within these “cliques” don’t even feel part of them. In the end, all these “cliques” are really just an illusion anyway.

When being part of a cheerleading team, you may encounter such asinine behavior like what you mentioned. I don’t know these particular people, but think of it this way… You basically have a group of girls that all want to be the best, “screw the other ones” as far as they are concerned. They are going to do whatever it takes, even if it means hurting the feelings of others (they probably would other wise enjoy being friends with), so they can be the “leaders” of the cheerleader pack. The competitiveness of things such as cheerleading can bring the worst out of people. When they do these asinine things, they are really trying to make themselves feel better by putting someone else down, when others join in, it gives them a sense of false self esteem in the group. You have to remember, none of these girls would do any of this, if they were not in the “group” setting, some of it is to show off.

If you are wanting to become part of this group to make friends, my advise is to look elsewhere in school or in your hobbies, as they just don’t sound like the right people to be hanging around with. If you feel compelled to become more part of this group because it will help your cheerleading, or want to try making friends with them anyway, take this advice…

Evaluate each of the people in this group, and find the ones that do not join in when the others do the moronic things you were telling me about. These people have a better set of values then the others who sound like immature little chumps anyway.
Find a moment when your around the group or even after the group has gone and the person you have found most friendly is still around.
Go up to her and talk about something in relation to cheerleading as an example, ask her if she wants to work on the cheerleading moves at your place or somewhere else another time. Then get into talking about something you recently saw or heard like a song or movie that the other person would probably know. You would be surprised how easy it really is to start talking to someone in the same interest group or sport as yourself. People usually have a very positive attitude and are usually just as interested as you in finding new friends.
You shouldn’t worry about talking to people because of your race. You will not make anyone uncomfortable because of it. Be confident in yourself, your abilities, and qualities….focus on the important stuff…like the fact that you are a good person that people enjoy to be with and you have good to contribute.
When you are successful in doing that, and you hook up with this new friend more often, the others will probably notice, and may not bother you anymore and may accept you more as part of their magical “clique”.
See how you go, but I think it would definitely be worth your while to at least look at expanding your friendships outside of the immediate cheerleader group.

That’s life!